Martha Sears - The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care

Dedicated to our children

James
Robert
Peter
Hayden
Erin
Matthew
Stephen
Lauren

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,
children a reward from Him.

Psalm 127:3

INTRODUCTION

During the final months of your pregnancy or early months of parenthood, it's important to consider what parenting style you're going to adopt. Developing a parenting style means a way of caring for your baby, the mindset you're going to approach motherhood and fatherhood with, how you are going to help baby fit into the family and yourself fit into parenthood. What parenting style you choose will depend upon three main factors: your total family situation, your own basic temperament and mindset about parent-hood, and the temperament of your baby. Remember, all three of these must be considered in working out the parenting style that is right for you. The important thing is it has to be right for you. This is your baby, and you are his parents. This baby does not belong to a book, the church, your doctor, your in-laws. This is your baby, and only you can work out a parenting style that works for you. We will simply give you the tools to help you work out your individual parenting style. But again, the important key is to keep working at it until it works for you.

When I (Bill) first started practice more than twenty-five years ago, it was a shock to me to realize that although I had trained in the two top pediatric hospitals in the world, I knew only about sick babies and not about parenting styles. In my early days of practice parents would come into my office and ask me questions, such as How long should I nurse? Where should my baby sleep? How do I respond to our baby's cries? Will I spoil our baby? These were not medical questions, these were parenting style questions which I was not trained to answer. What I did learn, early on in Medicine 101, was first, do no harm. So, even though I was in a position of trusted authority, I should not have been giving advice on something I knew little about, especially on such important issues as may affect the joy of a family and the outcome of the child.

I kept thinking when parents asked me these questions, Why don't they ask an experienced mother? Why don't they pick out the mother in their church or their neighborhood who has had the most kids and whose children they like; then find out what she did? Parents are likely to get a better answer from this mother than from me. (In fact, this is a biblical modelexperienced parents teaching novices.)

I decided to follow my own adviceto learn from experienced parents in my practice. I felt like hanging a sign outside my office saying, Dr. Bill is still in training. I would pick out the most experienced mothers and fathers in my practice, those who seemed to have a joy about their parenting, who seemed to have a handle on parenting, whose children were well disciplined, whose kids I liked. I wrote down what these parents did. They were my teachers. In fact, at the time,I was also an associate professor of pediatrics teaching residents who were about to go out into practice. I advised them: As soon as you get out into practice, surround yourself with wise and experienced parents, and have the wisdom and humility to learn from them.

Over the next twenty-five years I wrote down what these parents (including my wife, Martha), whose children turned out well, did. Now, there was not a perfect correlation between what parents did and how their children turned out, and that's a very important point that you need to immediately learnnot to take either fully the credit or the blame for the person your child later becomes. You do your best with the talents that God has given you and with the support of the body of Christ, and the rest is up to the child and the work of the Holy Spirit. Here within these pages is what Martha and I have learned throughout twenty-five years of pediatric practice, nearly three decades of parenting eight children of our own, and in our experience counseling thousands of parents as to what works for most parents most of the time.

You will be a good parent. Many of us start our mothering and fathering careers wondering, Will I be a good parent? How will my child turn out? Will I be able to raise a godly child? At this point, don't immediately think of turning to books, classes, or advisors. Tune into yourselfyou will realize it is comforting to know that God would not have given you a child without the built-in means to raise that child to love and serve the Lord. This would violate the concept of Creator. God designed within every mother or father the necessary tools to parent their individual child; for example, God would not have given you a child with a temperament that you cannot handle. The key is to discover these built-in tools and use them to develop your skills according to the plan and design that God has for you and your child it may be a different plan than your next door neighbor's or anyone else in your church. Early on in your pregnancy and your parenting realize that you must become an expert on your baby. To do so, remember to be prayerful and discerning about any advice you receive.

Let's look at how a hypothetical couple might prepare to develop their parenting style as they explore options during their first pregnancy.

A Seminar on Parenting

Barry and Susan were expecting their first child. This was one of the greatest blessings of their lives, a long wanted and long prayed for baby. They were dedicated to being godly parents and raising godly children; but, like most new parents, they weren't sure what these two commitments meant. They just knew that this was their goal. This excited couple had just finished their childbirth classes and felt they had learned so much about having a healthy pregnancy and a safe and satisfying birth that they were in the mood to take a parenting class. Fortunately, one was being offered at their church.

Now that they were thinking about parenting, not just birth, Barry and Susan began to realize there were different opinions, especially in their church, about raising godly children. Feeling a little confused, they decided to talk this idea over with their family physician, Dr. Joan, when they went for Susan's next prenatal. Dr. Joan, an experienced mother of three, was also going to be their baby's doctor.

Dr. Joan advised, By all means, study up on parenting. I want you to become an expert on your child. Read those books I've recommended and go to as many classes as you can, but remember this is your baby and you are her parents. You must become an expert on your baby and develop your own method. No one else can have a method for your baby. Wise counsel from someone who should know, this couple thought.

Dr. Joan added one more piece of advice: Remember how vulnerable you are to advice on raising a child. Because this is the most important event in your life right now, you want to do it right, and you feel God has called you to do this. This burning desire to be good parents makes you vulnerable to all kinds of advice, all promising to turn out godly parents and a godly child. No one can guarantee that. Also, remember you are vulnerable in another way, as all Christians are. Part of our belief system, our Christianity, is our submission to authority figuresand to a certain extent rightly so. We are taught from birth to obey our parents, to obey our teachers, to obey our pastors. Yet, parenting advice is often a matter of opinion. And when it comes to parenting opinions, everyone is certain that their way is the right way. Remember, nothing divides people like a difference in opinion on how to raise children. There is no one way to take care of every child. If there were, we would all be clones, children would all have the same temperaments, and this would be a dull world. There are certain basic principles of childrearing that are founded on biblical principles and supported by scientific research, experience, and plain old common sense, and I will be sure you are well grounded in these principles. Yet much of what you are going to hear in various classes is in the realm of opinion. I will help you to be discerning parents.