Shirley Yuen - The Three Virtues of Effective Parenting: Lessons from Confucius on the Power of Benevolence, Wisdom, and Courage

The Three
Virtues of
Effective
Parenting

Advance Praise for The Three Virtues of Effective P arenting

Shirley Yuen personally embodies the three virtues she shares with her children and encourages other parents to do the same. Precious treasure comes to those who are willing to take this new and unique path that leads to surprisingly effective results.

BOBBIE SANDOZ MERRILL , author of P arachutes for Parents

Read this book and follow her wise teachings and you will be inspired to be a benevolent parent who will give your children the love and attention they so deserve. This book will open your eyes and your heart and will take you down many paths that you may never have traveled. Author Shirley Yuen will take you on the path that will lead to a healthier family where children are even more valued and even more loved.

AILEE N DEESE , Executive Director of Prevent Child Abuse Hawaii

There is no single voice that has been more persistent in shaping human culture than that of Confucius, Chinas preeminent teacher. In this slim yet brimming volume, Shirley Yuen brings the distilled values of the ages to guide us in our awesome, challenging, and sometimes overwhelming responsibility of being effective parents. For China, family has always been the governing metaphor in all aspects of the human experience. Yuen brings tradition and her own personal virtuosity in lived parenting to demonstrate how to grow our family relations, and in so doing, how to enchant the most common yet most valuable business of a human life.

ROGER T. AMES, Professor of Chinese Philosophy, University of Hawaii

Yuen helps western parents practice the Confucian art of self-cultivation while raising children within the context of Western society. As she describes her mistakes and the work she did to correct them, reminding the reader that Not correcting a mistake is a mistake as Confucius said, she gives insight into how she learned to be a better parent with rare honesty and humor. I would heartily recommend this book to prospective parents, parents, and grandparents.

HELEN P. YOUNG , Associate Scholar, Center for East Asian Studies, Stanford University

First published in 2005 by Tuttle Publishing, an imprint of Periplus Editions (HK) Ltd., with editorial offices at 364 Innovation Drive, North Clarendon, Vermont 05759.

Copyright 2005 Shirley Yuen

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the Humanics Publishing Group for permission to reprint the excerpt on page xiv from The Way of Virtue by James Vollbracht. Copyright 1998 by James Vollbracht.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Yuen, Shirley, 1952

The three virtues of effective parenting : lessons from Confucius on the power of benevolence, wisdom, and courage / Shirley Yuen.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN: 978-1-4629-0204-0 (ebook)

1. Philosophy, Confucian. I. Title: The power of benevolence, wisdom, and courage. II. Title. B127.C65Y795 2004

179.9085dc22

2004007209

Distributed by

America & Europe

North America, Latin

Tuttle Publishing

364 Innovation Drive

North Clarendon, VT

05759-9436

Tel: (802) 773-8930

Fax: (802) 773-6993

www.tuttlepublishing.com

Japan

Tuttle Publishing

Yaekari Building,

3rd Floor

5-4-12 Osaki

Shinagawa-ku

Tokyo 141 0032

Tel: (03) 5437-0171

Fax: (03) 5437-0755

Asia Pacific

Berkeley Books Pte. Ltd.

61 Tai Seng Avenue #02-12

Singapore 534167

Tel: (65) 6280-1330

Fax: (65) 6280-6290

www.periplus.com

First edition

08 07 06 05 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Cover art: Ta Shan. Collection of Shirley Yuen.

Printed in Canada

TUTTLE PUBLISHING is a registered trademark of Tuttle Publishing.

DEDICATION

Dedicated with love and gratitude to my mother, Wong Suk Ying, and my father, Yuen Kong Sang, whose unconditional love for me had surpassed any parenting skill that could be learned from books.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My heartfelt gratitude goes to my literary agent Wendy Keller, who had shared my vision and enthusiasm for this book even before I wrote my book proposal. Thank you so much for helping me in every step along the way.

I am indebted to my editor Jennifer Lantagne, and everyone who helped to shape this book at Tuttle Publishing, for their expertise and kind assistance. Your patience and understanding are greatly appreciated.

My gratitude to all the parenting experts and authors who were at my rescue throughout my parenting journey. Special thanks go to Bobbie Sandoz for teaching me so much about my children and myself. Thank you for being such a wonderful mentor.

This book could not have been possible without Confucius. His timeless insights have transformed me from an anxious and confused parent to one who truly feels the joy and fulfillment of parenthood. Xie Xie .

I am also grateful to my ex-husband, Richard Hui, for his encouragement and support from the inception of this book. Your help with my research in Chinese philosophy is greatly appreciated.

Above all, I need to thank God for blessing me with two wonderful children. My son and daughter have helped me to look within myself and learn to become a better person and a better parent. To Eric and Kristy, thank you for showing me how to love and be loved.

PREFACE

I was born and raised in Hong Kong, and have been exposed to the best and worst of both Eastern and Western culture since birth. My cultural identity was further tested when I attended college and then raised my two children in the United States.

At times I feel the conflicts or discontinuities between Eastern and Western philosophies and values. I tend to act like Aristotle in my quest for personal freedom and then think like Confucius in my concern for a more all-embracing harmony in my surroundings. But in a way, these contradictory focuses have helped me appreciate the best of both worlds, and most important of all, theyve helped me find balance in the way I respond to what happens around me. Central to my life has been my role as a parent. It is also an arena where Ive come to appreciate how much Eastern wisdom and Western parenting can work hand-in-hand.

How It All Started

The Eastern philosophy and Western Parenting book collection in my house had always been on two different bookshelves. I studied them both carefully. And separately. But I can still remember the day when the wisdom of Confucius came to the rescue when I was desperately looking for help in one of my parenting books.

It was seventeen years ago... I was standing in front of my two-and-a-half-year-old son who was having a tantrum. I cant remember what he was refusing to do, but I got very angry because he was demanding that I get out of his room. I quickly tried to remember what my parenting books said about situations like this but before I could figure out if this was a tantrum or defying behavior, my anger seemed to have set fire to everything that I had learned from all of my parenting books.

I could hear myself yelling as loud, if not louder, than the tiny two-and-a-half-year-old monster in front of me. My heart was beating faster than it does in my aerobics class and for a second, I thought I was going to hit my little boy. Then suddenly, at the very back of my mind, I heard a gentle voice that said, If a person is filled with anger, he will not be able to behave correctly, for then his mind no longer resides in him. He will look but not see; he will listen but not hear.... (Commentary VII from Confucius The Great Learning .)