Thomas Phelan - Tantrums!: Managing Meltdowns in Public and Private

Copyright 2014, PARENTMAGIC, INC. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Any resemblance between persons described in this book and actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional. This book is not intended to replace appropriate treatment, when indicated, by a qualified mental health professional.

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Contents

Youre Not Alone!

As upsetting as they can be, and as difficult as they are to manage, young kids temper tantrums are usually simply a primitive response to good parenting. These loud and sometimes violent outbursts of anger do not mean youve done anything wrong as a parent or caretaker. Instead, temper tantrums most often mean that you are doing your job. And a difficult job it is! See if any of this sounds familiar

Feedback from Facebook Followers

Q: Your kids into a total nuclear meltdown. Whats the most difficult part of that for you?

Not losing my cool. Mom is tired and frustrated too, but I dont get to kick and scream. Sara N.

Keeping your calm and ignoring, especially when it goes on for a long time. Jill F.

Mines not even 5 yet, but I think she has learned this one through the divatude in public because at home you know you cant get away with it. Barkshire W.

Glad Im not alone. I fear my own inability to keep cool and not allow myself to get to his level. I have days where I feel like the crappiest parent. Karen S.

Dealing with the noise, which is annoying. Controlling the urge to try to reason with them at the moment. Sibyla S.

For me its the sound of the scream/cry!! I usually do well with not giving in, but I dont want to lose control and scream/cry back at them. Ashley F.

Keeping my cool. The feeling that rises up is a mixture of anxiety and anger, and the desperate need to control the situation. Channa B.

Q: How do you feel about managing childrens tantrums in public?

I struggle with being in public. All parents most likely have been there, however as the mother of a tantruming child you cant help but feel the stares and judgments being passed to you when you are carrying the child out of the room/store, etc. Jill F.

I must agree with some of the others about children-with-an-audience tantrums. They learn that parents dont want to be embarrassed and the kids push buttons in front of an audience sometimes. Barkshire W.

Tantrums dont really bug me, except that Im embarrassed that people are seeing/hearing my kid thats totally out of control. I worry that Im being judged. Heidi D.

Afraid of DCFS!!! Far too many nosey people You barely raise your voice above a whisper and they call it child abuse. Shauna N.

Parents are afraid other people will report them for abusing their kids. I know its the first thing that comes to my mind when I have to stand outside a business for a time-out with my kid bellowing. LaCosta L.

Q: How long does it take to recover from a youngsters major meltdown? For the kid, maybe seven minutes. For the parent, three hours.

So true!! Im so glad its in writing too, so I dont feel like its just my problem. Katie V.

No wonder my day goes to crap with only three fits. Angie S.

Or longer, for the parent! Julie A.

Glad to see Im not the only one who feels exhausted after dealing with meltdowns. Grzenzia M.

My little boys meltdowns do me in for the day. Ella J.

Q: When your child is having a blow up after not getting something they wanted, how effective is reasoning and explaining?

I equal this to them hearing me as the teacher in Peanuts." They cant hear words at that point. Its just noise. Tara L.

You cannot reason with a child that is already tantruming. Diane S.

If she doesnt get the point when shes CALM, how on earth will she grasp it during a screaming/crying/kicking FIT? Although, I would actually say the fact that she is throwing a tantrum means she DOES understand, but refuses to accept my decision. So she tries to change the answer with the fit. Allison Z.

About as bad as trying to reason with an out-of-control adult. But you do have a better chanceyou are the adult. Cheryl H.

Q: How does your childs meltdown affect your feelings about yourself as a parent?

Useless, knowing I did something to put her in a situation that led to her meltdown and unsure how to help her. Theyre getting more violent and destructive now. Feel helpless most of the time. Corinne K.

Terrible. Like a total failure. Deborah M.

It affects me negatively. Even though I know it isnt really my fault," it frustrates me that it happens. I feel embarrassed that I havent been able to teach self-control. Fraser B.

Fine. Tantrums arent allowed in the rest of the house. Keep that business in your bedroom. Now, if the kids are hurt or sad, Id love to snuggle. Tantrums, though, they gotta work out on their own. Sarah Q.

Depends on what the tantrum is about. Personally if I am doing everything right then all is good. If your kid has a meltdown, let them. Angela P.

It doesnt really. I take them at face value and try not to read into them. Shes 2. If shes not throwing tantrums Im doing something wrong. Melissa J.

Lately, his tantrums make me feel like Ive failed, especially in public as I have a very defiant, over-reactive, loud 5-year-old who Ive got no way to connect with once he gets in that mood. Vanessa R.

In this book well get you ready to manage your youngsters tantrums more effectively, both in public and in private. Youre going to learn some surprising things. In addition to understanding that a childs tantrum is not your "fault," youre going to learn that what you need to do in managing meltdowns is often the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. From now on, when your kid blows, youre going to know how to stay in control!

Three Terrible Tantrums

Of all the behavioral problems parents face from their children, temper tantrums may be the most upsetting as well as the hardest to manage. A major temper tantrum might also be the most potent tool kids have when it comes to training their parents to do what the children want. Parents who have been trained to fear tantrums have an extremely difficult time maintaining control of their own homes.

A lollipop at 6:30 a.m.?

Good parents are both warm and demanding. That means they cant give their youngsters everything the kids want. Heres a little girl who would very much like a sucker for breakfast. When she realizes Mom has a different food choice for her, she energetically makes her feelings known. She also puts her poor mother in an early morning quandary.