Heidi Luedtke - Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down
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Parenting
Parenting
when kids melt down
DETACHMENT PARENTING
Copyright 2012 by Heidi Smith Luedtke, Ph.D.
Cover image by Chris Fertnig
(fertnig.photoshelter.com)
Cover design by Melanie Hooyenga at Inkslinger Designs
www.inkslingerdesigns.com
Interior formatting by Natasha Fondren at the eBook Artisans
www.ebookartisandesign.com
Author photograph by Sara Kuecher
www.saskuecherphotography.com
Please respect the authors work. Do not share or forward this book, or reproduce any portion by any means, without the expressed written permission of the author or publisher. All rights reserved.
Edition: October 2012
As a mom of two small kids, I know how hard it can be to stay calm when the kids melt down. My own 25-pound 2-year-old can push all my hot buttons in less time than it takes to put breakfast on the table. Her older brother threw the mother of all hissy fits in our neighborhood supermarketon Mothers Day. More than once Ive felt like a failure as a mom because I said something snarky when I should have given my child a hug instead. If you feel like youre at your wits end, I promise you this: Ive been where you are.
Im lucky to have spent most of my professional life studying psychological research and techniques that address these challenges, and Ive distilled key lessons in the detachment parenting approach. The strategies I describe in this book are designed to help you increase positive emotions, minimize stress, and stay engaged with your kids. When you use them in your everyday family interactions, youll strike a balance between tending to feelings and taking action, what psychologists call emotion- and problem-focused coping.
Rest assured, detachment parenting is not the opposite of attachment parenting. It doesnt require you to deny your feelings, keep kids at arms length or let them cry it out when theyre distressed. That kind of disengagement couldnt possibly teach kids the emotion-regulation skills they need to be happy and healthy. Detachment parenting does not prescribe choices about how you feed, cuddle or care for your kids. Breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping parents can use these techniques. So can bottle-feeding, stroller-pushing, sleep-scheduling parents. The detachment parenting approach rests solely on this core belief: Parents are best able to nurture and guide their childrens development when they respond to kids concerns with calm sensitivity, not frantic overwhelm.
I hope you put these techniques to work right away and that the skills you build help you achieve the level-headed, loving parenting style you want. Please reach out and share your successes. Id love to hear how Detachment Parenting helped you realize more peaceful, productive interactions with your kids.
You can learn more about my work, read current articles, or submit questions or comments on my website, www.HeidiLuedtke.com. Id be happy to answer your questions on my blog, where you and others can get inspiration, insight and support. Were in this together.
Detachment Parenting will show you how to:
- Stay calm when kids are out of control
- Engage kids in helpful discussions of intense emotional issues
- Coach kids to understand and manage their own moods
- Be confident that you can handle emotional crises, and
- Feel better about yourself as a person and as a parent
In this book, youll access the same self- and relationship-regulation strategies child development experts use to preserve a level-headed, nurturing demeanor, and learn to apply them in your own home.
Emotions are contagious; we catch them from our kids. And when that happens, its easy to overreact. Detachment parenting is a mindset and a skillset. It allows you to break out of fight-or-flight mode and cues your bodys natural relaxation response. After you regain composure, youll find ways to revise your thinking so you can move forward effectively. Youll also learn how to build your childs mood-management skills. On the level, loving foundation you create for your family, you can all grow up together.
In Detachment Parenting, I present 33 strategies, organized into five sections:
In the Heat of the Moment offers practical tips for keeping your cool when you feel the adrenalin rush of fear, frustration or anger. These ideas prevent you from acting out when youre likely to lose it emotionally.
Addressing Kids Concerns shows you how to interact with kids when their feelings are revved up. Youll learn how to listen, and what to say. These ideas keep you focused on coaching your kids through the mood-management process, so you dont get sidetracked by your own thoughts or feelings.
Seeing the Bigger Picture describes ways to step back mentally so you can see situational triggers and relationship patterns that make meltdowns more common and more destructive. With a broader view, youll be able to prevent many crises before they happen and respond to challenges with greater composure.
Household Mood Maintenance describes ways you can build up reserves of emotional energy each and every day. These ideas will decrease frustration and friction for you and the kids, so youre all less likely to slip into meltdown mode. Happy habits you build now will stay with your kids forever.
Nurturing Your Own Well-Being suggests ways to treat yourself with care and compassion. These techniques help you get connected, savor simple pleasures, and revise negative thoughts so you feel affirmed and supported as a parent. Tending to your own emotional health ensures you have more to give the ones you love.
The examples in this book are aimed at parents of children from birth to age 6, but the underlying principles apply to kids (and parents) of any age. Feel free to tweak the techniques to make them fit your family and adjust your approach as kids grow. Detachment parenting is a flexible skillset you can use in any situation.
Have you ever wondered how teachers, counselors and coaches keep calm when kids get out of control? You may think they are blessed with easygoing personalities or joke that they go home at night and drink themselves silly. In fact, most teachers and counselors do their jobs day after day without falling into self-destructive coping patterns. Thats because they have learned how to dial down their own emotional responses and stay focused on guiding kids learning, no matter what.
If you morph into bad mommy when you are overwhelmed, youre not alone. Its immensely hard to keep your cool when you have little personal or psychological space of your own. Grown-up pursuits like work, hobbies and adult conversation cant save your sanity when they are constantly interrupted by whiney demands, sibling squabbles and temper tantrums. Even stable, happy moms may snap under the pressure sometimes.
This book is packed with 33 detachment strategies you can use right away. It starts with simple ways to change course in the heat of the moment, when youre about to lose your cool. Once youve reclaimed calm, youll learn how to stimulate and guide emotional discussions so kids feel valued and validated. Mental strategies for seeing the bigger picture will reveal emotional triggers and response patterns, and help you respond mindfully, without overreacting. Youll get tips for maintaining a healthy emotional climate each day and learn how to preserve and increase your emotional energy reserves so you can give more of yourself and feel more fulfilled.
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