Gervase Phinn - Little Gems

Nana, your face needs ironing!

The nativity plays off, Miss
the Virgin Marys got nits.

When youre dead, Grandpa, can I have your watch?

When I was little, I thought that God was like
Captain Birdseye without the fishfingers.

Young children are nothing if not honest, and their honesty is invariably disarming and comical.Who better to discover their innermost thoughts than bestselling author and former school inspector Gervase Phinn? From his lifetime of school visits, and talking to parents and grandparents, Gervase has put together a delightful compilation of childrens wise words, insightful observations on life and their amusing comments about others.

First published in ebook format in 2013 by Dalesman Publishing an imprint of Country Publications Ltd, The Water Mill, Broughton Hall, Skipton North Yorkshire BD23 3AG, UK
www.dalesman.co.uk

Introductory text and editorial selection Gervase Phinn 2013
Poems and stories the contributors 2013

ISBN: 978-1-85568-325-9

A British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication record is available for this book.

All rights reserved.This book must not be circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition of this being imposed on the subsequent publisher. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licenses are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1P 9HE.The moral right of Gervase Phinn to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright Designs, and Patents Act 1988.

Publishers Note: The Publishers expresses its gratitude to the children whose poems, stories and illustrations are reproduced in this book. Copyright is expressly reserved on their behalf. However, given the nature of the material, it has not been possible, despite every effort by Gervase Phinn and Dalesman Publishing Company, to contact every contributor. In lieu of copyright fees, Dalesman Publishing has made a donation to the British Dyslexia Association.

One delightful and unexpected result of the publication of my autobiographical accounts about my time as school inspector in theYorkshire Dales is the phenomenal amount of mail I have received. Interested readers have entertained me with letters, cards, anecdotes, poems and little stories about what their children and grandchildren have said. Some were witty, others hilarious and a few were deeply poignant.

Robert Flanagan, director of Dalesman Publishing, suggested that I might like to let others share in my enjoyment of the pieces and further suggested that we ask readers of Dalesman magazine to submit their own little gems to add to the collection. Hence this anthology, which I hope you will enjoy reading as much as I have compiling.

I am very grateful for all those who took the time and trouble to send me so much wonderful material. It has not always been possible to trace the author of every piece, so I extend my thanks to all those who contributed anonymously. Sadly, I cannot publish all the little gems because there were so many; I have had to settle for selecting my special favourites.

Thanks go to the pupils and staff of the following schools for their help in providing illustrations: Leamington Primary and Nursery School, Sutton-in-Ashfield; All Saints C E Primary School, Aston; HolyTrinity C E (Aided) Primary School, Leeds; Follifoot C E Primary School, Harrogate; Hookstone Chase Primary School, Harrogate; Wilmslow Preparatory School, Cheshire; Christ the King R C Primary School, Thornaby, Stockton-on-Tees; Polam Hall Junior School, Darlington; St Mary Magdelene R C Primary School, Milton Keynes.

The following children kindly provided pictures to illustrate the book: Harriet, Karan, Rebecca, Robyn, Martha, Rebecca, Georgina, Harry, Flo, Josh, Sarah, Emma, Hanna, Harry, Harrison, Emily, James, Heather, Annie, Olivia, Lucy, Stacy, Connie, Khia, Charlotte, Taylor, Sophie, Sarah Natalia, Siobhan.

Grannies and Grandpas

The relationship between grandparents and their grand-children is rather different from that between parents and their children. Grannies and grandpas, in my experience, tend to be more patient, better listeners, less critical and, dare I say it, more indulgent than their own offspring.

It was the weekly ritual for my mother, well into her eighties, to come around for Sunday lunch. From her vantage point in the most comfortable chair in the corner of the sitting room, she would watch as my wife Christine and I attempted to bring up our four children. One Sunday I had occasion to chastise Matthew, then aged six, for his untidy bedroom. Stabbing the air with a finger, I ordered him: Up those stairs now, young man, and tidy your bedroom! Do you follow my drift? Matthew at first looked suitably contrite but then a small smile appeared on his lips, then a grin to be followed by giggles and finally guffaws. I ballooned with anger. Then I caught sight of my mother in the mirror. She was sitting behind me pulling the most ridiculous faces and wiggling her fingers in front of her nose.

Mother! I snapped rather pompously. I am trying to instil some discipline here. You are not helping matters!

Oh, do be quiet, she told me. Youre not talking to teachers now.

Mother ...! I began.

Dont mother me. Hes a lovely little boy is Matthew. Hes kind, compassionate, gentle and well behaved. You should be telling him that, not hectoring him. Goodness me, there are more important things in life than an untidy room and yours was like a tip when you were a boy.

Father and son were stuck for words.

She continued. I dont suppose I should tell your daddy off in front of you, Matthew, she said, but hes wrong. Then she gave me a knowing look and one of her smiles, and added And hes my little boy.

Having read this account, you will understand why the poem which begins this section on grannies and grandpas has a particular resonance for me.

My Nan

I like my Nan.

Shes round and wrinkly and powdery
And smells of flowers and soap.

Shes as comfy as a cushion to sit on.
When my Mum shouts at me

I go to my Nan.

She cuddles me and says,
Never mind love,

Your Mum was like that
When she was a little girl
A real grumpybum!

Mark (aged nine)

At our granddaughters third birthday party, I was taking photographs when one little boy chimed up: Jamie Lee, that lady is taking your picture.

Thats no lady! said my granddaughter. Thats my grandma!

A week prior to Christmas, I was shopping with my small grandson in a supermarket. As we passed a freezer, I asked him: Why do you think that freezer is full of frozen turkeys?

To make sure theyre dead, he replied.

Granddaughter asking her rather diminutive grandfather: Granddad, why are you so small for your age?

My Grandma

I loved my Grandma.
She was very thoughtful.
Her hair was like silver
And her face like gold,
Eyes like emeralds
That glinted in the sun.
She was very precious.

Amy (aged six)

Grandpa, were you in the first war?
No, I hadnt been born.
Were you in the second war?
No, I wasnt old enough.