Gervase Phinn - Gervase Phinns Mangled English: A lighthearted look at the mishandling of the English language by the man with the funny name

Mangled English

Gervase Phinn

English can be such a beautiful language when used properly. However, sometimes what we say and write can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding and unintentional humour, as bestselling author and former school inspector Gervase Phinn shows, including:

Bookshop strange requests
Tess of the Dormobiles by Thomas Hardy

Unusual book titles
Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1930s Hebden Bridge

Names
Im called Carlsberg its my dads favourite drink.

Malapropisms
My granddaughter takes electrocution lessons.

Proverbs
If he died with a face like that, nobody would wash the corpse.

Spoonerisms
The British Broadcorping Castration

Euphemisms
Naval officer excusing himself: Im going to shed a tear for Nelson.

Classroom howlers
A fibula is a small lie.

Courtroom gaffes
I represent the accusation that Im living off immortal earnings.

Newspapers and magazines
New research into causes of dysexlia

Jargon
High-quality learning environments are a necessary precondition for facilitation and enhancement of the on-going learning processes children need in good schools.

Graffiti
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Abbreviations
POETS: Push Off Early, Tomorrows Saturday

Acronyms and bacronyms
ALITALIA: Aircraft Lands In Turin And Luggage In Ancona

Instructions and warnings
(on a heat gun) Not to be used as a hairdryer

Signs and notices
Maternity Unit: please use back entrance

English abroad
If this is your first visit to Moscow you are welcome to it.

Epitaphs and memorials
He died in peace. His wife died first.

First published in 2013 by Dalesman
an imprint of
Country Publications Ltd, The Water Mill, Broughton Hall, Skipton, North
Yorkshire BD23 3AG, United Kingdom
www.dalesman.co.uk

Text Gervase Phinn 2013
Illustrations Matthew Phinn 2013

ISBN: 978-1-85568-324-2

ISBN: 978-1-85568-319-8 (ebook)

All rights reserved. This book must not be circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition of this being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London, W1P 9HE. The moral right of Gervase Phinn to be identified as author of this work and Matthew Phinn to be identified as the illustrator of this work has been asserted in accordance with Copyright, Designs and Patents Acts 1988.

The quotation from A Boys Own Dale: A 1950s Childhood in the Yorkshire Dales by Terry Wilson, published by Ebury Press, is reprinted by permission of the Random House Group Limited.

For the two English teachers who gave me a love of the English language: Ken Pike and Mary Wainwright.

I was warned by a friend that when visiting Barcelona with my wife we should be especially careful for there were a great many pickpockets about. It was a good idea, we were advised, to secrete money and credit cards on our person in a body belt. In town I went into a shop which sold cases and said to the lugubrious- faced man behind the counter:

Id like a body bag for my wife.

Wouldnt we all, he replied, smiling wryly.

I am sure that many of my readers will have done something similar: said the wrong thing and in doing so caused some amusement. Unless one happens to be Winston Churchill or Professor David Crystal, there but for the grace of God go we all.

This book is not an academic text on language or a grammar book or a guide to the use of correct punctuation. It is a light-hearted look at the mishandling of this rich and powerful language of ours. It is about the things we say and write which can cause unintentional humour.

I should like to thank those who, in their misuse of English, have unwittingly contributed to this book. I should also like to thank my son Matthew Phinn for the splendid illustrations; Robert Flanagan, Managing Director of Country Publications, for his continued support and encouragement; Linda McFadzean, my publicist, for her sterling efforts on my behalf; and my ever-patient editor and friend Mark Whitley.

Gervase Phinn

A man that seeketh precise truth, had need to remember what every name he uses stands for; and to place it accordingly; or else he will find himself entangled in words, as a bird in lime- twigs; the more he struggles, the more be-limed. (Hobbess Leviathan)

Robert McClosky, a US State Department spokesman, once said:

I know you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure that you recognise that what you heard is necessarily what I meant.

How true. What we say and write can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding and unintentional mirth. Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue, said Zeno 300 years before the birth of Jesus Christ. Shakespeare, that master wordsmith, shows us in his plays that words can be delightful and amusing but also can be cruel, cutting and dangerous in their seduction.

English is the most widespread language in the world, with a billion people speaking it. Five hundred million people use English as their mother tongue, and it is the native language of twelve nations and the official or semi-official language of thirty- three countries.

Of the worlds 2,700 languages, English is arguably the richest in vocabulary and certainty ranks as one of the most demanding to master. The Oxford English Dictionary records nearly a million words and adds three hundred new ones every year. The average English-speaking person uses only about two thousand words in his or her vocabulary. The more educated use twice that.

English is a rich and poetic language, but is more complex, irregular and eccentric than most other written languages, and is arguably the most difficult European language to read and write. This is what makes it so fascinating.

Beset with pitfalls, colloquialisms, jargon, sloppy vulgarisms, slang, faulty grammar, misplaced apostrophes, dangling participles, split infinitives, misspellings, double negatives and euphemisms, the English language offers a rich seam for a book which looks at just how tricky and troublesome, idiosyncratic and illogical, ambiguous and arduous it can be.

Bookshop asked-fors

I am sure I owe some of the success of my stories and poems to the fact that I have such an unusual name. One customer at the White Rose Bookshop in Thirsk, North Yorkshire, asked Sue, the proprietor, for that book about schools by the man with the funny name. She immediately reached for my latest novel.

Of course booksellers are so adept at finding certain books from the scant information given by customers to fulfil their requests, sometimes known in the trade as an asked-for.