Diana Holquist - The Rabbit Who Wants to Go to Harvard: A New Way of Getting Children to Stop Sleeping and Start Achieving

To desperate parents everywhere who want to buy this book, now [get out your wallet] . You, [name] , cannot resist.
You are just now buying this book...
Z. the G.
For my brilliant kids, who now really dont have a shot at Harvard.
Sorry, guys.
D.H.
For my sister, Marian
C.E.

DIAL BOOKS Penguin Young Readers Group

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014

Text copyright 2015 by Diana Holquist Pictures copyright 2015 by Christopher Eliopoulos

Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

eBook ISBN: 978-0-399-53911-4

The artwork for this book was created digitally.

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WARNING! Never read this book out loud to any child who will be competing for your childs spot at Harvard (without following the instruction below). The author and publisher take no responsibility when your child ends up in therapy.

The Rabbit Who Wants to Go to Harvard uses powerful psychological methods designed to make small children do what you want, when you want. These powerful methods give suggestions to the childs unconscious mind. It is recommended that you read the story from beginning to end, even if that is excruciatingly unbearable for everyone involved. This book must be read correctly for guaranteed admission to Harvard:

Bold text means you should read in a louder voice than normal.

Italic text means you should read in a slow and soothing voice.

Bold italic text means you should read fast and loud and slow and calm a ll at the same time .

BOLD ITALIC ALL-CAPS TEXT means all bets are off. Run!

Sometimes, you are asked to make a scary face or dance the Macarena. These parts are marked as [action] . Other parts of the book indicate [name] where you should insert your childs name.

You can substitute Stanford or MIT for Harvard depending on the most recent U.S. News & World Report college rankings.

When reading this book to your insufferable, I-devoured-Proust-in-the-original-French-at-two-years-old niece, [pretentious name] , who will take your childs spot at Harvard because her dad is a loaded Harvard alumnus and you went to state school [shiver] , no worries. Just substitute local community college for Harvard. Or, for more delightful results, pick up a copy of the extremely effective The Rabbit Who Wants to Work at Dennys.

And the audiobook. Now.

Be well and keep dreaming!

Zeldar the Great

HYPNOTIST, ACADEMIC ADVISOR, AND BESTSELLING AUTHOR

I am going to tell you a story that will make you feel too anxious to sleep. Now, some people get anxious straightaway whilst others sleep a little while first. But you and I both know, [name] , that sleep is for losers . Youll have plenty of time to sleep when youre dead . So Im wondering just when will be the best time for you, [name] , to wake the heck up and start working to get your sleepy little [age] -year-old butt into Harvard, now or before the story end...

O nce upon a time, there was a rabbit called Ronald who really wanted to fall asleep, and could not, right now . Because his mother had other ideas. His mother was obsessed with Harvard.

Ronald was very little. He did not know what Harvard was. This made him nervous. Very, very nervous. Now. Other toddlers know what Harvard is, Ronald. They have already started their neurobiology tutoring. Stay on your toes, little rabbit! Life is not one big cozy naptime.

Ronald the Rabbit is just your age, [name] . Not older nor younger, but exactly your age, [name] . In other words, you and Ronald the Rabbit are in competition. You and EVERYONE are in competition. Harvard only has 2,081 slots. Do you know how quickly rabbits reproduce? There are oceans of those guys out there, piles of rabbits, gunning for your spot at Harvard.

All of Ronalds siblings easily fell asleep every evening, so dont worry about those slacker lagomorphs [whip out chart of rabbit taxonomic orders and have child memorize] . Worry about Ronald. He was wide-awake, thinking of all the things he would do to get into Harvard, now. He could study for his SATs, and practice his violin, and do his French conjugations, and set up meetings for the seed funding of his biotech start-u...

He was about to get up, he did not know how soon. Now. How close to achieving he really is. How the picture of him and you, [name] , achieving becomes clearer and closer with every breath, now. In this in-between place, right before achieving, I control your mind. You, [name] , will do what I say. You, [name] , will obey.

You, [name] , will go to Harvard.

Tonight, Ronalds siblings fell asleep faster than usual [make L shape with thumb and forefinger and hold up to forehead] , whilst Ronald was lying there thinking about all the things that can make him smarter now . All the studying, all the cramming, and all the other things that would cause him to get into Harvard, right now.

But could he do even more?

Ronald the Rabbit was a bit of a bootlicker, so he decided to ask his mommy. Mommy Rabbit was in her bedroom, on her treadmill, scouring the CollegeConfidential.com forums on her phone even though it was three a.m. She said that Ronald should take all the thoughts that were lingering in his head about sleep, fun, and other kid stuff and put them in a box by the bed.

Ronald said, Even my very favorite Peter Rabbit book?

Mommy Rabbit said, Yes, especially Peter Rabbit. Peter Rabbit is a thief. He would not get into Harvard.

Mommy Rabbit took a gulp of her coffee and continued: Tomorrow when you wake up, I will have crushed all those childish desires and you will forget about them. Mommy Rabbit said this with certainty in her voice and vodka on her breath. You will forget the joys you put in your box.

Ronald filled the box. It felt very relaxing to free his mind and do as Mommy Rabbit said so that she would not freak out and give Ronald the silent treatment.

Ronald is now ready to get into Harvard.

Mommy Rabbit said it was time to see Admission Officer Owl, who lived just on the other side of the Charles River, in Cambridge. Cambridge is very lovely. Mommy Rabbit very badly wants to go there on parents weekend for brunch in her Harvard sweatshirt and new Tory Burch flats. Shed have a Bloody Mary, alone, because where would Daddy Rabbit be that weekend? Working again! He didnt know how hard it was to be alone with children all day and half the night, pushing them to study and play their instruments.