Katie Tamony - Your Second Pregnancy: What to Expect This Time

SHORTLY AFTER THE birth of my second daughter almost three years ago, a friend gave me a journal to write down my reflections and thoughts about motherhood. Theres only one entry in itdont laugh, the second baby book only goes up to two weeks. I wrote in it the first night we were home. I dont believe that Sara was ever this tiny, it reads, and I cant believe I was ever this comfortable. No wonder mothers have difficulty recalling memories of their second or third childs infancy. The first child is the focus of so much work to do, decisions to make, worries to worry. If the first one benefits from parental concentration, the second must surely benefit from parental relaxation.

It turns out that this statement is mostly true, except that I learned, over the course of those early chaotic months, that Caitlin was nothing like her sister. I kept trying to fall back on my tried-and-true soothing techniques, and this tiny, red-faced screamer would not be soothed. She refused to fall asleep in the car (Sara would fall asleep practically before I backed out of the garage). She hated the swing (Sara, I guiltily admit, could take a three-hour nap in hers). She wanted nothing but nipplethe real thing (Sara would at least suck on a finger). Two months into my relationship with Caitlin, I realizedjust how disappointed I was that all my parenting practice was for naught, how disappointed I was that Saras good nature had nothing to do with me. I dont think you realize just how different babies can be in temperament, needs, and personality, until youve had two of them. When I finally let myself off the hook and realized I had to learn what Caitlin needed from me, I truly did relax.

I learned to appreciate some of the finer things about having two children, seeing the world through yet another pair of eyes. I thought my first daughter had already spoiled me for the wonders of children, already broken me into parenthood. In some good ways, she had. I knew how to diaper a messy baby in the back of a car with no baby wipes in the travel pack. I knew how to handle a food-throwing, tantrum-bawling toddler in a crowded restaurant. I knew how to skip a few pages in the too-long bedtime book without anyone catching on. But with Caitlin I learned that not every child loves a bottle or a bathsome just prefer constant cuddling. I learned to appreciate the toddler in footed pajamas who could climb into my bed so soundlessly at midnight we didnt notice her until the morning. I marveled at her strong will, just as I had smiled at my first babys compliance. And Im always surprised at how much there is still to learn the second time around.

Now that my daughters are three and four years old, I can also appreciate that they are building a relationship separate from me, from their father. Late at night, I hear them whispering in their bedroom. When Caitlin is frightened or upset, Sara wraps a protective arm around her. When Sara is sad or not feeling well, its Caitlin that she cuddles up next to for a hug. This is it, I think. This is why we decided to have two.

Just as Im ready to snap a picture of loving sisterhood, though, someone gets bitten, pinched, or shoved. The scabs and scratches are so constant that weve yet to take a family photo this year. Everything we dole outfrom cookies to the amount of toothpaste squeezed out onto their identical toothbrushesis carefully measured by these competitive little misers.

The glib way I used to take credit for all of Saras good behaviors is comical now that I dont want to take any credit for Caitlins willfulness. I barely have a handle on the everyday routine of my childrens lives: making lunches, getting them dressed, giving them theirbaths. If somebody throws a tantrum or loses her thermos, I can go into a tailspin. But I actually think Im a better mom. Im more sensitive to both children than I was to Sara. Im less judgmental of other parents, other kids, and my own. Im more willing to change course, adopt a new attitude, and take on new risks. My world is just starting to feel settled again, and Im starting to think: When should we have the next one?