Sara E. Langworthy - Bridging the Relationship Gap: Connecting with Children Facing Adversity

Published by Redleaf Press

10 Yorkton Court

St. Paul, MN 55117

www.redleafpress.org

2015 by Sara Langworthy

All rights reserved. Unless otherwise noted on a specific page, no portion of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or capturing on any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a critical article or review to be printed in a magazine or newspaper, or electronically transmitted on radio, television, or the Internet.

First edition 2015

Cover design by Jim Handrigan

Interior design by Wendy Holdman

Typeset in Arno Pro and Trade Gothic Std.

Photos on page 10, 43, 85 Mike Oria, page 53 Thinkstock/Jose Luis Peleaz Inc, page 55 Mina Blyly-Strauss, page 73 Thinkstock/Fuse, page 77 Thinkstock/David Sacks, page 93 Thinkstock/Antonio_Diaz, page 97 Thinkstock/JoseGirarte, page 107 Thinkstock/wavebreakmedia, page 131 Thinkstock/LucieHolloway, page 135 Thinkstock/montiannoowong, page 154 Thinkstock/monkeybusinessimages, page 156 Thinkstock/MonaMakela

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Langworthy, Sara.

Bridging the relationship gap : connecting with children facing adversity / Sara

Langworthy. First edition.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-60554-389-5 (ebook)

1. Attachment behavior in children. 2. Interpersonal relations in children. 3. Early childhood education. I. Title.

BF723.A75L36 2015

155.4'192dc23

2015009364

To my parents:

My first and best example of a consistent, caring, and supportive relationship

Contents

This book, like any, was not a project completed in isolation. Many kudos, thanks, and champagne toasts are due to the following people for making this book a reality:

To Kyra Ostendorf, David Heath, Ashley Robinson, Alyssa Lochner, and the rest of the team at Redleaf Press for giving me the opportunity to do this crazy thing in the first place. To my editor, Danny Miller, and the rest of the editorial staff at Redleaf Press for keeping this book a reasonable length by keeping me concise and to the point, and for giving me thoughtful and helpful suggestions for how to make this book better along the way.

To my research heroes: Kathleen Thomas, Herb Pick, Ann Masten, Karen Cadigan, Rebecca Shlafer, Cathy Jordan, and so many others who have all inspired me through their passion and commitment to more deeply understanding the complex lives of children and families. To my colleagues at University of Minnesota Extension and the Children, Youth and Family Consortium for encouraging me to take on this challenge. To Shawn Dobbins, who made sure I got the best out of the deal before I even began to write. To Mike Oria, who let me share his beautiful images throughout this book. (See more of Mikes great work here: http://mikeoria.zenfolio.com.) To Dave, Dana, Isaac, and Abigail, who let me capture the beautiful simple moments of relationships in your family to share with others.

To the many care providers, professionals, and practitioners who shared their volumes of expertise on what its like in the real world. Many of the practical suggestions in this book came from them. Thanks to Michele, Kamyala, Molly, and Rosemary for agreeing to talk freely about the incredible work that you do every day. Thanks to R. D., D. C., G. W., K. G., A. P., M. M., L. D., R. R., and I. T., whose stories helped pull me out of researcher mode and reminded me of the real children experiencing adversity every day. Special thanks to Stacey Bellows for talking me through what its really like to be a care provider and for agreeing to review parts of this book to make sure I got things right.

To all the people who gave me feedback on this book. When I talked with my friend Sara about editing, she said, You know, letting someone edit your writing is like letting them take a peek in your underwear drawer. So. True. I am so grateful that I have such wonderful colleagues whom I can trust to peek in my proverbial underwear drawer without fearing their ridicule. A million thanks to all of you who took time out of very busy lives to read drafts and provide constructive and supportive feedback. Im looking at you, Sara Benning, Rebecca Shlafer, Judy Myers, Cari Michaels, and Stacey Bellows. You made this book better. Thank you.

And then there are all my friends, family, and colleagues, near and far, who cheered me on throughout the writing process with words of encouragement, hugs of support, and glasses of wine. I am especially indebted to:

My choir friends Marta, Kate, Christina, Katherine, and the rest of my National Lutheran Choir family who kept me singing and laughing throughout this process. Cari and Judy, the best colleagues a girl could ask for, whose constant encouragement throughout this entire journey has made writing a joy rather than a struggle. Amanda, Mark, Sara, Dave, Dana, Sara, Dave, Rebecca, Raquel, and Jason, who through chats, happy hours, and numerous board games nights helped remind me theres more to life than work. My parents-in-law Richard, Janet, and Margie, who, whether through shopping sprees to calm my nerves or hikes in the Arizona desert to stimulate my creativity, helped to keep me going when I needed motivation. Erin Arndt, who, like all best friends do, kept me humble and laughing. Sara Benning, my partner in crime, friend, and confidant, who talked me down from panic many times, and without whose constant source of support I would be lost. And of course, I cant forget my dogs, Bingley and Kaylee, who constantly gave slobbery dog kisses, kept my feet warm when I was typing for hours, and made sure I took breaks to throw the ball from time to time.

But there are three people I really owe this book to. Two are my parents, Paul and Joy Spencer, without whom I would not truly understand the power and value of caring, supportive, consistent relationships. Im blessed to have a mother who picks up whenever I call, and whose many words of wisdom and constant support throughout the years have gotten me through lifes ups and downs. My dad has been a constant source of quiet strength and humble perspective in my life, and has taught me that hard work and persistence really do pay off. As a team, my parents have taught me the value of drive, passion, curiosity, commitment, and love, and there arent enough words to thank them for all theyve done for me.

And last, but certainly not least, my incredible husband, Jason, who (and hell tease me later for being mushy) is the love of my life. He reminds me daily that a sense of humor, a penchant for silliness, and a love of laughter are the things that make life worth living. Throughout the writing of this book, he endured many of my frustrated rants and anxious ramblings, and yet he was my unwavering source of support. He has never doubted me, and his calm, indefatigable confidence always gives me strength. He has kept me balanced, sane, and laughing through everything weve been through, a gift for which I could never thank him enough.

We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken.

JOHN GREEN

This quote from one of my favorite authors, John Green, was a constant mantra in my head while writing this book. Despite living in a world fraught with the pain and suffering of trauma and loss, we must cling to the hope of the possibility of change. The profound experiences of adversityabuse, neglect, domestic violence, loss of a loved one, or homelessnessall leave their marks on the young children who experience them. Children who live through early adversity do not have words to express the pain and anguish of their experiences. They may not be able to ask for help from those around them, and they may cry out through their actions and emotions in ways that we dont understand. Such experiences may seem to change their lives irreparably.