Shirley Thomas - Divorced But Still My Parents

Divorced But Still My Parents

Shirley Thomas, Ph.D.

and

Dorothy Rankin

Illustrations by Holliday Thompson

Shirley Thomas would like to thank the thousands of boys and girls who have taught her about children and divorce. She also thanks her sister, Amy Nickell, for her editorial contributions, and her familys very special long-time friend, Patches.

Dorothy Rankin thanks her children, Nathan and Ariel, who continually awe and inspire her, and her good friend Holli Thompson, whose illustrations make Kristens story come alive.

3rd Printing 2005
Copyright 1998, All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be reproduced in any
form without written permission from the publisher.

Printed in the USA

ISBN 0-9646378-5-5

Library of Congress 97-091848

Contents

Introduction for Parents

T HE S TAGES OF G RIEF IN C HILDREN

Children experience loss and pain at least as much as parents when divorce changes the family. They have lost the intact family and must adapt to major differences in how they live. As boys and girls go through family separation, nothing we do can prevent their stark realization that mother and father will no longer be together.

This book is written to help children with their reactions to divorce. Parents can also help by reading the book along with their children.

Divorced But Still My Parents is organized according to the five stages of grief first outlined by Elisabeth Kbler-Ross in her studies about human reaction to death. Dr. Ross identified phases of mourning that follow whenever permanent loss occurs. When children lose their families of origin through divorce, they go through the grieving process along with their parents.

Though there are differences between loss of the original family and loss of a loved one through death, the stages of adjustment are the same.

Children dont want divorce. Boys and girls may refuse to accept the loss. They deny that the separation is happening or insist the parents will reunite.

Divorce makes people angry. Children often experience resentment or hostility. They may become angry at one or both parents, at brothers, sisters, friends, or even at themselves.

Some children try to stop divorce. They make efforts to postpone the loss or try to manipulate the parents by changing their own behavior.

Kids feel sad and lonely and scared. Sadness about the permanence of the loss is normal. Many other negative feelings must also be worked through.

Children feel better before long. They gain a more peaceful understanding as time goes on. When boys and girls become comfortable with their new lives, they can once again feel the joy of childhood without the burden of grief.

Children cannot achieve a lasting acceptance of their parents divorce without working through the painful stages of grief. Like adults, they process each feeling at a pace they can handle, moving on to the next stage when they are ready. The important thing is for parents and children to allow themselves to grieve, so they can move beyond the divorce.

This book will lead your child through the five stages of grief in a gentle and supportive way. Each phase is explained in words children in the middle years of childhood can understand. The most common problems and worries faced by boys and girls are included, along with ideas for coping and feeling better.

The story of Kristen is a central part of Divorced But Still My Parents. Stories are wonderful vehicles to communicate important and difficult concepts to children. By imagining Kristens experience, they see that they are able to cope with their feelings. They will gain confidence and, through the process of identification, learn that if Kristen can get through divorce, they can too.

How to Use This Book

Boys and girls under the age of nine usually benefit from having a parent or counselor read Divorced But Still My Parents with them. Young children feel more secure and less troubled reading about divorce issues in the company of an understanding adult. You can encourage your child to complete the activities and drawings in the way that feels most natural, even using colored pencils or crayons to be more expressive.

Many older children will prefer to read Divorced But Still My Parents on their own. Using this book more personally as a journal, these children profit from recording their feelings privately. Some of them will grow to treasure their own drawings and written expressions as an intimate log of how they worked through the family separation.

Tell your child that Divorced But Still My Parents is his or her own book for helping with feelings about divorce. Ask if the child wishes to have you read along and encourage your son or daughter to go through all the chapters from beginning to end.

An Important Note

Research on divorce shows that children can grow up to be happy and well adjusted even with their parents living apart. The critical factor is how parents react themselves and how well they deal with their own grief responses. When adults struggle with their own divorce acceptance for too long, their children do too.

Mothers and fathers who accept the reality of divorce without perpetuating anger and blame make it possible for their children to go on with normal tasks of childhood. Children suffer most when parents fail to let go and continue the state of conflict.

The major burden of helping children with divorce is always on the adults rather than on the children. The better you and your former spouse do to recover from divorce yourselves, the better your children will do.