Erin McHugh - Like My Mother Always Said...: Wise Words, Witty Warnings, and Odd Advice We Never Forget

Editor: David Cashion
Designer: Rachel Willey
Illustrations: Rachel Willey, Sebit Min, and Heesang Lee
Production Manager: Anet Sirna-Bruder

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013945683

ISBN: 978-1-4197-1173-2

Text copyright 2014 Erin McHugh

Published in 2014 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

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For my own mother, and for everyone who ever had one.

Erin McHugh, you never have a bit of fun. DOROTHY KAVANAUGH McHUGH, mother of Erin McHugh Sooner or later we all quote our mothers. Philosopher BERN WILLIAMS

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Everyone has a mother. Everyone ! And people tend to quote their moms, rely on their advice, and refer back to something they said probably more than they ever realize. How do I know? Because thats exactly how this book came to be. I was staying overnight with some friends, and during my visit one of them said to me, I know what book you should work on next. Three times since youve been here, youve said, Like my mother always said I really didnt believe her. I asked her to parrot back to me what Id said, because I never would have thought of myself as someone who quotes her mother. My mom has been gone more than twenty years now, so its not like I would be repeating an incident from yesterday. But she ticked them all off, and I thought, Wow, I do do that. Without even realizing it, every day Im leaning on, laughing at, and listening to my mom. And then I thought: What fun it would be to hear what everybody elses mother always said. So I started asking my friends. And they asked their friends. Suddenly, I was getting quotes and stories from men and women Id never met. Funny stuff, sad stories, touching quotes, loving anecdotes. And lots of nutty. Because how can mothers get through it all without the nutty? It became a very long parlor game of Top this!and everybody wanted to play. So heres Like My Mother Always Said and what other peoples moms have been saying. Its a little treasury so we can keep our mothers with us: the good, the bad, and the crazy. And whether your mother is long gone, like mine, or texting you forty times a day, youre going to see her here in these pages. So enjoy her. ERIN McHUGH September 2013 New York City

OH, MOM!

Some things were ever thus: eye-rolling when your mother is being embarrassing, door-slamming, muttering under your breath. And the deep, deep sigh, accompanied by the universal Oh, Mom . Nobody wants to talk to you unless you have George Washington in your pocket. ANN, mother of Marianne I am not your friend; I am your mother. SUSAN, mother of Tamara Its only a problem if you make it a problem. ROSEMARY, mother of Betsy Pain equals growth. BARBARA, mother of Michelle Oh, no thanks, Ill just have a sip of yours. TESSIE, mother of Suzy That really gets my Irish up! NANCY, mother of Jonathan Youre wishing your life away. KAY, mother of David Your eyes look sick. DOTTIE, mother of Erin I know when youre sick. HAZEL, mother of Hope I want, I want, I want. People in hell want ice water. BETTY, mother of Alisa Somebodys gonna end up crying. SWANEE, mother of Valerie Every woman should have a nice gay man looking after her. JO, mother of Elisa I grew up with just my brother, and my mother would always joke, I have a third child, Not Me. Whenever I ask who did something, my kids respond, Not Me! EMILY, daughter of Sally Ask your father. PAT, mother of Mary Claire You are not going out when they honk the horn. We have a doorbell. ALICE, mother of Patty My mother wrote letters to me regularly in college and always signed them, Love, Mother, except for one time when she signed, Kathryn, your mother. This became the dorm jokethat my mother had to remind me who she was. When I spoke to her about it many years later, she said that she had initially signed it as if writing to a friend, realized what shed done, and tried to remedy it by adding your mother. Its a plausible explanation, I suppose. But the result was that I put it on my bulletin board and loads of people got a kick out of it. She also used to send me articles from Readers Digest on what she considered relevant topics, such as sex, venereal disease, drugs, and so on, all of which also went on the bulletin board. She helped to educate my entire dormthough whether anyone took her advice is another question! SUSAN, daughter of Kathryn (her mother) On the dangers of TV: That thing is the idiots lantern. VALERIA, mother of Elisa

Whenever I would complain that one thing or another wasnt fair,
Mom would shoot back: Lifes not fair! JODY, daughter of Joyce Youre not hungry. Your mouth is bored. JOALICE, mother of Sharon You kids think youre immortal. KIMMEY, mother of Ann Do you want it, or do you need it? DEE DEE, mother of Kathie My entire lifeand I am likely on the back side nowwhen Ive been with my mother and Im set to leave her, she says, Dont talk to strangers. No clue why. SUSAN, daughter of Elinor Thats why they call it work ! SHAN-LI, mother of Jating Even today, though I have had my own business and owned my own home for decades, my mother constantly says to me on the phone, I hope you dont go in that pool by yourself. You might hit your head or get a cramp. DENISE, daughter of Gert Whenever I got in trouble: Whats wrong with you?
Were going to lose our house! MICHELLE, daughter of Barbara During a thunderstorm, when we were scared,
Mom would say: The angels are bowling. CYNTHIA, daughter of Tess Nothing in life is perfect. LOIS, mother of Janice My mom ends every conversation with a lilting, So thats the scoop! Even if she just told you someone died. KATHLEEN, daughter of Barbara Put down that stick
youll put your eye out! KATHERINE, mother of Peter Every single year, when it was time to have my school picture taken, my mother would say the same thing: Try and look pleased. EDME, daughter of Katharine Why do you always try to take more than you can carry?
Make more than one trip! ROSLYN, mother of Candice Whenever we would ask Mom to find something wed lost (and it would often be in plain sight), shed say: None so blind as he who will not see. ROCKY, son of Sylvia Youre lucky you have a dishwasher to empty. TIMMY, mother of Lisa My mother was a pet-name person, and while she called us by our first names often (or by one anothers: Lara, Colin, Beckiewhatever your name is), she more often called us by sweet names. Lamb. Sweetheart. Lovie. My sweet lamb. Goose. My love. La Bean. Sweetpea. Perhaps the worst was when I was picked up by a heavy-metal heartthrob to go skating at Montvale Roller Rink; she sent me off on my date by asking, So, what time will you be home, Meatball? How embarrassing. LARA, daughter of Debbie Next page