D.L. Hughley - How Not to Get Shot: And Other Advice From White People

Id like to acknowledge all the men and women who were killed by police while I was writing this book! Obviously I want to thank my radio family: David Kantor, Jim and Tracy Robinson, Skip Cheatham, and Jasmine Sanders. Thanks to my literary crew: my man Richard Abate, my editor Peter Hubbard, and my collaborator Doug Moe. Thanks to Leyna Santos; Yvette Shearer; my Comedy Get Down brothers Eddie Griffin, Cedric The Entertainer, and George Lopez; my road team, Gary Monroe, Lew Oliver, and Derek Robles! My managers Michael Rotenberg and Dave Becky, my agent Nick Nuciforo, my dude Kensation Johnson, my right-hand Sonya Vaughn. Love to my family: my children, Ryan, Kyle and Tyler, and my sexy-ass wife, LaDonna Hughley.

BLACK MAN, WHITE HOUSE

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Contents

HOW NOT TO GET SHOT . Copyright 2018 by D.L. Hughley. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

Cover design by Rodrigo Corral Design Inc.

Courtesy of Shutterstock: Wise Words icon: Dolimac; DLialogue icon: LINE ICONS; Tip icon: Vladvm; Remember icon: Johnny Sajem; Anecdote icon: Sabelskaya; Did You Know? icon: Volhah; Lets Meet! icon: Quarta; Stuff White People Say icon: Rudie Strummer

Digital Edition JUNE 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-269855-1

Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269854-4

Version 07262018

This book is dedicated to my son, Kyle.

So here we are at the end of the book. Weve been through popular white advice on how to not get shot by the police, how to look, how to act, and weve tried to understand white people.

But listen, even if we took all of your advice, some of which Im sure is well-meaning, well-intended, and well thought out, weve seen instances where it just doesnt work. Nothing is guaranteed.

• You say comply with police orders, we still get shot.
• You say dont break the law, we still get shot.
• You say dont talk back, we still get shot.
• You say be more like white people, dress differently, act differently, and yet the results are not the same as for white people.

So what does work? Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

Are you still black? Dont be. The only way to ensure that all these things work the way theyre supposed to is to not be black. If you can, avoid it all costs. If you have to do it, whatever you do, dont ever do it on the weekend. If you have to be black, can you just be weekday black?

You know what? Scratch that. We gotta have you fully not black. After sifting through all this white advice, thats really the best advice I have for you: How do you not get shot by the police?

Dont be black.

NOTE: If youre in immediate danger of being shot by the police, put down this book and keep your hands where the police can see them. Youre not Luke Cage and this book isnt made of titanium and it wont make you bullet-proof. Cops dont usually shoot people holding books, but you never know what might look like a gun.

Okay, so you are tired of getting advice from white people about what to do and how to act. It feels like you cant turn on the TV or read a newspaper without some white guy telling you how to live your life and how to be. I know.

But what if I told you that following the advice of white people could make you happier, healthier, and a little less threatening to white people? Wouldnt you like to know why white people are the way they are? Wouldnt it be good to know why theyre being such dicks all the time?

No? Okay, well, wouldnt you at least like to make fun of them for a bit? Okay then, great! Keep reading.

How to Use This Book

You know how to use books, so I dont want to overexplain it.

The book is divided into five sections:

1. How to Not Get Shot by the Police
2. How to Look
3. How to Act
4. Understanding White People
5. Tidbits of Advice for White People from Black People

In each section, Ill present a quote from the most prominent purveyors of white culture to get the best advice possible; everything from Bill OReillys guidance on how to name your kids to Mark Fuhrmans instructions on speaking politely. Then Ill translate this advice into practical tips to improve your black experience by making it whiter. Each section will feature specific bits of helpful advice such as How to be nice and quiet and How to wear your hair along with charts and graphics to keep you from getting too bored.

White People Advice Through the Ages: A History

White people have been giving advice for as long as anyone can remember there being white people. Before that it was probably hairy people receiving advice on how not to get speared by less hairy people. They probably had an #AllNeanderthalsMatter crowd back then, too. Thats actually not a joke: scientists now believe that early European humans were responsible for killing off their (bigger-brained) Neanderthal cousins forty thousand years ago. This shit is in white peoples DNA! If Neanderthals had had this book, maybe theyd be around today.

But here we are in the twenty-first century. We find ourselves at a unique point in history where black people shouldnt have to listen to white people, and yet white people still have lots of advice to give. Lets look at white people advice through the ages:

• 16191865: SLAVERY: Advice is a bit more... mandatory.
• 18961965: JIM CROWA lot of helpful white people advice starts with boy, as in Boy, you better not look at me that way, not Boy, Id like to buy some black people ice cream. Other white people advice: where to sit, what water fountain to drink from, what part of the country to flee.
• 1970s: Why cant you be more like Roots ?
• 1980s: Why cant you be more like that nice boy Michael Jackson?
• 1990s: If Rodney King had just complied with police orders...
• 2000s: White people discover another bunch of scary colored people: Muslims. The heat is off.
• OBAMA ERA: Lalalalala, I dont have to listen to you anymore. Fuck you, white people!
• TRUMP ERA: Oh shit, my bad. What was that, white people?

Throughout this book youll find eight or so sidebars that will help make the process of learning even easier. I might add more later. I havent decided. Dont pressure me. Its the beginning of the book:

Wise Words