Ellen Degeneres - My Point...And I Do Have One

Degeneres, Ellen - My Point And I Do Have One

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~O~

A Bantam Book/October 1995

New York Toronto London Sydney Auckland

Grateful acknowledgment is made to quote from the following songs: "Joy to the World" 1970 Irving Music, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. International

secured. Used by permission. "Respect" 1965, Renewed 1993, Irving Music, Inc.

(BMI). All rights reserved. International secured. Used by permission. "Movin' On Up"Jeff Barry & Janet Dubois. Copyright 1975 (Renewed 1981) by Belfast Music. All rights administered by EMI Music Publishing (Publishing) and Warner 1 of 124

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Degeneres, Ellen - My Point And I Do Have One

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Bros. Publications U.S. Inc. (Print). All rights reserved. "Day-O"words and music by Irving Burgie and William Attaway. Copyright 1955,. Renewed 1983 by Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company (ASCAP)/Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc.

(ASCAP). Worldwide rights for Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company administered by Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.

Copyright 1995 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.

Illustrations 1995 Susan Rose

Book design by Donna Sinisgalli

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Bantam Books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

DeGeneres, Ellen.

My pointand I do have one / Ellen DeGeneres.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-553-09955-8

I. Title.

PN6162.D3935 1995

818'.5402dc20 95-34084

CIP

Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Croup, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words "Bantam Books"

and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

BVG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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~O~

Table O'Contents

A Note from the Author

Thanks for No Memory

A Letter to My Friend

or

A Frog in a Sombrero

Does Not a Party Make

Daily Affirmations

or

A Cup of Pudding a Day

Is the Way to Stay O.K.

Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior

or

Sometimes You Need a Map,

Sometimes You Need a Globe,

Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe

but Not Very Often

The Plane Truth

or

Dem Ain't Goobers, Dem's Peanuts!

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Ellen's New Hobby

Ellenvision

I Went to a Psychic

or

Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex

How to Explain Sex to a Child

or

Where There's a Corn Chip,

There's Bound to Be Hot Sauce

In the Kitchen with Ellen

or

As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadly

Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren't Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!

or

Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!

The Scariest Thing

The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency!

One Step Closer to God

or

One Step Back,

You Do the Hokey-Pokey

and You Turn Yourself Around

The Ellie-Gellie

Things to Do if You're Stuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time Ellen's Wild Kingdom

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or

You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle,

but That Won't Make It a Hooker

Ask Ellen

or

It Might Look Like Honey,

It Might Taste Like Honey,

and Bless My Corns,

It Might Even Be Honey

Crazy Superstitions That Really Work!

The Benefits of Being a Celebrity

By Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star

Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres

Experiments in Human Behavior

Ellen's Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye

The Last Chapter

~O~

I wish to thank a few people for their support and love, which are two of the most important things in my life: Betty DeGeneres, Elliott DeGeneres (or Mom and Dad), Vance DeGeneres, Arthur Imparato, Rob Weisbach, Alex Herschlag, Sue Rose, Lisa Phillips, J. J. Harris, Jeremy Zimmer, Ted Harbert, Stu Bloomberg, Renee Kurtz, Michael Eisner, Rich Frank, Dean Valentine, Jan Nash, Karen Kawahara, and Eric Bilardi. And all of the people who come up to me on the street and tell me nice 5 of 124

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things. Thank you.

~O~

A Note from the Author

Hello and welcome to my book (and now yours). Thank you for your interest in my thoughts, my words of wisdom, and my recipe for French toast. Throughout the year it took me to write this, I wrote in solitude, recording my thoughts as they came to me, digging up old memories, pouring out my heart and soul. Then, at the end of the process, I hoped and prayed to God that there were a few people out there who would enjoy it.

As you may have noticed, my mind does not work the same as most. That is to say, I'm sort of, welldifferentand yet it seems to have worked for me. So as you read this, I hope it does what I intended it to do when I decided to write it. I hope it entertains you, inspires you, makes you laugh, makes you think, makes you smile, makes you feel better about yourself, makes you more aware of your feelings, makes you love your brothers and sisters, makes you more successful in life, makes you wealthier, makes you exercise more, makes you eat healthier, makes you stop smoking, makes you taller, thinner, more beautiful, more fluent in Spanish! Or at least makes you not regret buying it.

Ellen DeGeneres

June 1995

~O~

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thanks for no memory

Who am I? How did I get to be me? If I wasn't me, who would I be? How can you mend a broken heart? These are all good questions. Well, almost all good questionsI'm pretty sure the last one is just a Bee Gees song.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is who I am now is what I was then, plus all the stuff in between, minus a few years during the seventies. Actually, that might not be what I'm trying to say. Here's what I really mean: When you start to write a book, you begin at the beginningwhen you start to examine your life, you begin with childhood.

I try to work on my memory. A few things come back to me when I concentrate.

Like, I'm now pretty sure I had parents. I have these two old people who are my 7 of 124

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Degeneres, Ellen - My Point And I Do Have One