DeGeneres - The Funny Thing Is

H ello, and welcome to my new book. Please make yourself at home while you read it: Take off your shoes, loosen your pants, make those funny at-home faces that we all make. Be comfortable. On the other hand, if youre reading this in a more public placea plane, a train, a jurors box during a trialit might serve you better to be a little less comfortable. Oh, and if youre reading this while youre driving, PUT THE BOOK AWAY! YOURE DRIVING, FOR PETES SAKE! But wherever youre reading this book, please remember to turn off your cell phone and that the taking of flash photographs is strictly forbidden.

Now, you may want to know why Im writing this book. Well, there are a number of very good reasons, most of which I forgot the moment I sat down to write. I have a vague recollection of losing a bet to Al Roker, so that may be one of the reasons. Also, I dont have anything to do for a year as I wait to start my new talk show. People have suggested that I simply enjoy the time offIll be wishing for this next year. People (different peoplenot the same ones) have also suggested I read books.

The fact is, Id rather write a book than read a book. Its like reading, only you get paid for it. Otherwise, it has all the same elements. I dont know whats on the next page. Its suspenseful, yet I can control where it goes. Its like interactive reading. Besides, Ive already read books. A lot of them. Well, definitely more than seven.

One thing that you should know if you ever get tired of reading books and decide to write one on your own (I would suggest doing this only and I mean only after you finish this book): writing a book is hard work. You cant just sit there staring at the computer screen and wait for words to magically appear. Believe meI tried doing that for five months and I didnt get a single word.

Suddenly, all this talk about writing a book is making me feel overwhelmed. I need to take a break. Excuse me.

Okay, Im back. I went to brush my teeth (just three of themI never do them all at once). That, by the way, is an excellent way to pass the time. Hygiene is important anyway, as we all know. So take your time and brush, then floss. Flossing is key. You must floss. Dont even think for a second that you can get away with not flossing. Always floss. I cant stress it enough. If you get nothing else from this book, I hope you not only think to yourself I must floss, but pass it along to loved ones and acquaintancesfloss, floss, floss. Now, what was I saying?

Oh yes, Why another book?

Seriously, why? There are so many books already. What could I possibly have to say that needs to be read by millions or at least hundreds of people? Perhaps youre reading this to get never-before-revealed insights into who I am as a person. If so, heres a good one for you, right off the bat: If anyone knows me at all, they know I enjoy the smell of a freshly washed monkey.

Or perhaps youre hoping to learn a thing or two. I have no brand-new words to put out there (unless you count fuzlart, which between you and me is a made-up word), no insights on the meaning of life or even how to be content most of the time.

I have been interested in some deeper meaning of this existence for a long time. I assume we all are, judging by the sales of books devoted to helping us find the answers. I have all of them, but I havent found one that says anything very different. They all sort of say the same thing.

I suppose I could put down my own ideas of what I think would be at least a good start for happiness, if youre interested. Oh, you are? Okay then.

• 1. Be nice to everyone, even though you dont want to and you may not like certain people. Be kind, friendly, and respectful even if people are not nice to you. That way, youre not dragged down to their level. Also, theres nothing that annoys arrogant jerks more than people being nice to them.
• 2. Floss, every day floss. As discussed. In addition to aforementioned perks, flossing encourages healthy gums and makes your teeth feel secure when theyre eating something difficult like apples or corn on the cob.
• 3. Try to have some quiet time every day. I know its hard, dont tell me. Its getting to be near impossible to find silence, what with the TV, radio, kids, leaf blowers, helicopters, traffic, birds, dogs barking, your grammy yelling from the back of the car, Stop flossing, youre going to get us all killed!!! (Seriously, when I told you not to read while you were driving, I didnt mean you should floss instead.) But try to put time aside to listen to you. Its easy to forget what you want, who you are, with all the noise. Check in with you every day (or at least on New Years Eve).
• 4. Exercise. Any form of movement will do. Stretching keeps you limber, young, and energized. My favorite exercise is walking a block and a half to the corner store to buy fudge. Then I call a cab to get back home. (Theres never a need to overdo anything.)
• 5. Drink lots of water. I cant function unless I drink a lot of water. My favorite way to drink water is to put it in a tray, make ice cubes, then put one of those cubes into a big ol glass of scotch. Lets have some now, shall we?

Thinking back (a good thing to do while drinking scotch), I knew I wanted to write this book because Ive always loved writing, especially cursive. Its so pretty, all the loops and whatnot. I thought about having this entire book printed in capital letters, so, as the narrator, IT WOULD SEEM LIKE IM SHOUTING THE WHOLE TIME. I LIKE THE IDEA OF ME SHOUTING INSIDE OTHER PEOPLES HEADS. IT MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL.

You know, its hard work to write a book. I cant tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby.