Degeneres - My Point...And I Do Have One

This edition contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition.
NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED .

MY POINT... AND I DO HAVE ONE

A Bantam Book

PUBLISHING HISTORY

Bantam hardcover edition published October 1995
Bantam paperback edition / October 1996

Grateful acknowledgment is made to quote from the following songs: Joy to the World 1970 Irving Music, Inc. (BMJ). All rights reserved. International secured. Used by permission. Respect 1965, Renewed 1993, Irving Music, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. International secured. Used by permission. Movin On UpJeff Barry & Janet Dubois. Copyright 1975 (Renewed 1981) by Belfast Music. All rights administered by EMI Music Publishing (Publishing) and Warner Bros. Publications U.S. Inc. (Print). All rights reserved. Day-Owords and music by Irving Burgie and William Attaway. Copyright 1955; Renewed 1983 by Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company (ASCAP)/Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP). Worldwide rights for Lord Burgess Music Publishing Company administered by Cherry Lane Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Im A Little TeapotWritten by Clarence Kelley and George Sanders. Copyright 1939 Kelman Music Corporation. Copyright renewed 1967 by Marilyn Sanders OBradovich. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.
Copyright 1995 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.
Illustrations copyright 1995 by Susan Rose.
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 95-34084.
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eISBN: 978-0-307-76562-8

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I wish to thank a few people for their support and love, which are two of the most important things in my life: Betty DeGeneres, Elliott DeGeneres (or Mom and Dad), Vance DeGeneres, Arthur Imparato, Rob Weisbach, Alex Herschlag, Sue Rose, Lisa Phillips, J. J. Harris, Jeremy Zimmer, Ted Harbert, Stu Bloomberg, Renee Kurtz, Michael Eisner, Rich Frank, Dean Valentine, Jan Nash, Karen Kawahara, and Eric Bilardi. And all of the people who come up to me on the street and tell me nice things. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to my book (and now yours). Thank you for your interest in my thoughts, my words of wisdom, and my recipe for French toast. Throughout the year it took me to write this, I wrote in solitude, recording my thoughts as they came to me, digging up old memories, pouring out my heart and soul. Then, at the end of the process, I hoped and prayed to God that there were a few people out there who would enjoy it.

As you may have noticed, my mind does not work the same as most. That is to say, Im sort of, welldifferentand yet it seems to have worked for me. So as you read this, I hope it does what I intended it to do when I decided to write it. I hope it entertains you, inspires you, makes you laugh, makes you think, makes you smile, makes you feel better about yourself, makes you more aware of your feelings, makes you love your brothers and sisters, makes you more successful in life, makes you wealthier, makes you exercise more, makes you eat healthier, makes you stop smoking, makes you taller, thinner, more beautiful, more fluent in Spanish! Or at least makes you not regret buying it.

Ellen DeGeneres
June 1995

thanks for no
memory

W ho am I? How did I get to be me? If I wasnt me, who would I be? How can you mend a broken heart? These are all good questions. Well, almost all good questionsIm pretty sure the last one is just a Bee Gees song.

Anyway, what Im trying to say is who I am now is what I was then, plus all the stuff in between, minus a few years during the seventies. Actually, that might not be what Im trying to say. Heres what I really mean: When you start to write a book, you begin at the beginning; when you start to examine your life, you begin with childhood.

I try to work on my memory. A few things come back to me when I concentrate. Like, Im now pretty sure I had parents. I have these two old people who are my parents now, and they say they were also my parents then. Im thirty-six. I was a little girl. I know because my parents say I was.

I was born in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, at Ochsner Hospital, January 26, 1958. I lived in a house on Haring Road in Metairie until I was oh, lets say eight or ninemaybe ten couldve been seven or six, I dont know.

I dont think I remember my first memory. Actually, I suppose I would have to remember my first memory. If I didnt remember my first memory, then it couldnt in all honesty be my first memory. It could, however, be the first thing that I forgot. Do I recall the first thing that I forgot? I dont remember. Maybe.

I am amazed when people tell me that they remember things like lying in their cribs or getting their diapers changed (these are things they remember doing as infants not as adultsthat would be an entirely different story and probably not a very pleasant one). Some people even remember learning how to walk, which I find especially surprising since I just barely remember learning how to drive.

Sometimes my lack of memory (or, to put a positive spin on it, my surplus of forgetfulness) worries me, especially since its not limited to my early childhood. I dont remember huge portions of my life. Maybe something big (i.e., an anvil or France) fell on my head and gave me a slight form of amnesia. Maybe a lot of things have fallen on my head. I just dont know.