Degeneres - Seriously...Im Kidding

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Copyright 2011 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.

Illustrations copyright 2011 by Ross MacDonald

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ISBN 978-0-446-58503-3

Welcome to my third book. Inside this book you will find an assortment of wonderful thingswords, pictures, advice, tidbits, morsels, shenanigans, and, in some copies, four hundred dollars cash. So you might want to buy a few.

I dont have enough room on this page to tell you all the reasons why you should buy this book, but I can tell you this and its a guarantee: If you buy it, you will feel better, look better, be happier, grow taller, lose weight, get a promotion at work, have shinier hair, and fall madly, deeply in love.

DeGeneress amiably oddball riffs on everything from kale to catwalks to Jesus will make fans smile.

People

There is something endlessly likeable about DeGeneres, and her personality jumps off every page.

NPR.org

This latest collection of humorous riffs from DeGeneres goes down as easily as one of the comedian and talk show hosts monologues Shes at her best and wittiest when her mind leapfrogs from topic to topic DeGeneress compulsively readable style will appeal to fans old and new.

Publishers Weekly

Fans will not be disappointed displays the authors gift for capturing the absurd hilarity of internal monologue Her trademark wit and openness shine through.

Kirkus Reviews

My Point And I Do Have One

The Funny Thing Is

To all my fans

Theres no joke here.

Thank you for your support. Seriously Im not kidding.

I had a hard time deciding how to list and acknowledge all the important people in my life. I was going to list people in alphabetical order, but I didnt think that would be fair to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then I thought maybe I should list everyone from shortest to tallest or thinnest to heaviest, but that didnt seem right either. So I decided to list everyone from smartest to dumbest. No, thats not true. This list is in no particular order. Just because someone is first doesnt mean theyre the most important. It doesnt mean theyre not the most important either. I am grateful for them all.

So in no particular order, 1d like to thank:

My mother, my father, my brother, Craig Peralta, Eddy Yablans, Esther Newberg, Deb Futter, Eric Gold, Caryn Weingarten, Harley Neuman, Kevin Yorn, Hilary Estey McLoughlin, David McGuire, Ed Glavin, Mary Connelly, Andy Lassner, Lauren Pomerantz, Kevin Leman, Jason Gelles, and all my writers on my talk show.

Even though I did mention earlier that this list is in no particular order, there is one person who is the most important person in my lifemy wife, Portia.

Thank you.

Dearest Reader,

Hello. How are you? Thats great to hear. Listen, I want to thank you for buying this book. Were about to begin a beautiful journey togetherone that is unique and special. I know a lot of you might watch my talk show, but communicating through a book is different than communicating through television. Like, on my talk show I tell you whats going on in my life and what Im thinking about each day. But in this book, Im going to tell you whats going on in my life and what Im thinking aboutyou know what, I dont want to waste your time with silly comparisons.

But I bet a lot of you are probably thinking, Ellen (or E depending on how well we know one another), why are you writing another book after already proving yourself by penning two wildly, wildly successful tomes? Well the truth is, since I wrote my last book a lot has happened in my life. I got

Ive experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that youll take a moment to sit back, relax, and enjoy the words Ive put together for you in this book. I think youll find Ive left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What Im saying is, let us begin, shall we?

O ver the last year or so since I decided to write this book, people have been asking me how I have the time and why I chose to write it. The truth is, last June I was driving through a tunnel while I was on the phone with my agent and my cell service was spotty. I said, I just got a great IKEA table for my breakfast nook. My agent thought I said, Ive got a great idea for my newest book.

By the time we figured out our hilarious misunderstanding I had signed a whole bunch of papers (who has time to read all those words?!) and I was under contract to write a book. Similarly, a few years ago, I told my agent, I think I got some fudge on my lapel, and he thought I said, I want to be a judge on American Idol. Since then I got a new phone. And I found out my agents name is Marvin, not Blarvin.

But the real truth is, Im glad I decided to write this book. I love writing and I do feel like Ive learned a lot about life and love and other L words since I wrote my last book, and there are things I want to share with the world.

As it turns out, writing a book is hard. Its not as hard as mining coal or teaching teenagers to drive, I know that. But it is hard. I didnt think it would be so hard because I go on television every day and talk for an hour and I usually have plenty to say. Plus, Ive already written other bookstwo as myself and dozens more under my pen name, Danielle Steel.

When I first sat down to write, I stared at the blank page and tried to think of some strategies for getting started. When I want a guest on my show to start talking and telling a good story, I ask them a question. So I asked myself a question that I would ask a guest: When did you first fall in love with Tim McGraw?