John Winterson Richards - Xenophobe’s Guide to the Welsh

Of the home nations, the Irish and the Scots are tolerated as fellow Celts. In fact, there is considerable affection for the genial, talkative, emotional Irish, who have more in common with the Welsh and who settled in Wales in large numbers, mainly as a result of 19th-century industrialisation. There is also an historic link with south west Scotland which was once a Welsh Kingdom. The Scots national hero William Wallace came from this area his surname meaning Welshman.

The Welsh view the outside world in terms of (a) rugby or (b) blood relationship to themselves there frequently being a link between the two.

In so far as they pay any attention at all to the outside world, the Welsh view it in terms of either (a) rugby or (b) blood relationship to themselves there frequently being a link between the two. Many Welsh people emigrated to the New World, especially to North America, Australia and New Zealand. Australians and New Zealanders are generally liked because of their understanding of the true value of sheep and their skill at rugby. The professionalism of the game means that many play in, or even for, Wales. When Wales were defeated by Ireland, the Welsh were duly upset that their New Zealanders beat our New Zealanders. In the context of rugby, the phrase Hard bunch of bastards is by no means derogatory.

In the context of rugby, the phrase Hard bunch of bastards is by no means derogatory.

Rugby apart, the Welsh seem only dimly aware of the existence of the rest of the planet. There is, however, a notable exception. If the English did not exist, the Welsh would have to invent them. To a very great extent, the Welsh define their national identity in terms of the English:

The English are X, so we are not.

The English like Y, so we do not.

The English dislike Z, so we absolutely love him/her/it.

Some people say that the Welsh have a love-hate relationship with the English but they are, in fact, 100% wrong. For a start, there is precious little love involved. Yet hate is also conspicuous by its absence which is surprising, given that the English conquered the country through treachery, killed its last native ruler in a particularly nasty manner, and, over a period of several hundred years, comprehensively looted its natural resources.

The Welsh attitude to the English may be more accurately summed up as 10% resentment and 90% pity. The resentment is not personal it is a standard Welsh reaction to anyone who is, for any reason, better off (a Welshman will never accept that anyone can succeed where he fails without having some dishonest advantage). The pity is also a standard Welsh reaction, in this case for anyone who has the incredible misfortune not to be Welsh.

The Welsh attitude to the English may be summed up as 10% resentment and 90% pity.

The Welsh feel sorry for the English in the same way that a social worker would make excuses for a criminal from a broken home: True, they did break into our country and steal everything they could get their hands on, but the poor things are English, after all. No doubt the English would be upset to find out how much the Welsh look down on them which wouldnt worry the Welsh at all.

If the butt of a Welsh joke has to be effete, callow, pompous, ignorant, or generally substandard in any way, nine times out of ten he will be an Englishman, for example:

First Welshman: Excuse me, but you look like an Englishman.

Second Welshman: No, Im not English I only look like this because Ive just been sick.

When they are not having a go at the English, the Welsh are having a go at each other.

For instance, in jokes about misers, the customary Scotsman is often replaced by the Cardi the inhabitant of Cardiganshire, a poor rural area where everyone is supposed to be mean.

When they are not having a go at the English, the Welsh are having a go at each other.

Similarly, there is a tendency for the more cosmopolitan Welsh of the South Wales coastal strip to mock the people of the Valleys for a supposed lack of sophistication, and the people of the Valleys, in their turn, to mock the rural Welsh in the same way; this despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that most of the cosmopolitan Welsh originally came from the Valleys, and the Valley Welsh from the country, and not so very long ago. Such mockery is reflected in jokes about coal storage in bathrooms, outdoor plumbing, and the abuse of farm animals, especially sheep. And all this in the single region of South Wales.