Zhu Song - Xenophobe’s® guide to the Chinese

Anyone who does not have the propitious fate to be born Chinese is a foreign devil. Large numbers of these devils have big noses and funny habits, of which eating smelly cheese is just one of many unfathomable oddities . In their presence the Chinese adopt the tone of a distinguished university professor greeting a disquieting student intake.

Of their Eastern neighbours, there is one thing that needs to be kept in mind when conversing with a Chinese, and it is this: the Chinese quite simply do not like the Japanese. It is a long story, several hundred years old, and mostly to do with war, rape, pillage, and the poaching of their language. To admit to liking them is at best suspicious, and at worst traitorous.

The Chinese respect the Europeans for their history and culture, even though they do not stretch as far back as Chinas.

They regard South and North Koreans as little brothers, offering friendship and warnings respectively, and sometimes pocket money in exchange for co-operative behaviour and lack of nuclear temper tantrums. The Indians they see as having great computing brain power, in competition with home talent for Silicon Valley jobs. The rest of Asia is just that the rest of Asia. They are either greatly influenced by China anyway, or are too insignificant to care about.

The Chinese respect the Europeans for their history and culture, even though they do not stretch as far back as Chinas. With Americans they have a complicated love/hate relationship. They dearly love to defy that nations meddling, but are quick to import their capitalist ideas, branded goods, and TV programmes.

Russia, populated with muscular alcoholics, business tycoons, svelte gymnasts, and maths gurus, is looked upon as an ex-older brother. Although they are familiar neighbours with a lengthy shared border, China keeps an ever-vigilant eye on Russia the result of lingering tensions from territorial wrangles during the Cold War. Nevertheless, united by their shared suspicion of America, they co-operate to veto any important-sounding policies that Washington may dream up.

Although they are familiar neighbours with a lengthy shared border, China keeps an ever-vigilant eye on Russia.

With many African countries they enjoy a chummy relationship , in a kind of third-world solidarity and graduate student exchange pact. Although the average Chinese may not know much about Africa, the government has sought to strengthen ties in these quarters under the guise of friendship, while flashing subliminal messages of give all your oil to us and not the West.

To the rest of the world the Chinese are sublimely indifferent.