Joseph Cordell - The 10 stupidest mistakes men make when facing divorce and how to avoid them

Copyright 2010 by Joseph E. Cordell

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.threeriverspress.com

Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design
are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Cordell, Joseph E.
The 10 stupidest mistakes men make when facing divorce and how to avoid them / by Joseph Cordell.1st ed.
1. DivorceLaw and legislationUnited StatesPopular works. I. Title. II. Title: Ten stupidest mistakes men make when facing divorce and how to avoid them.
KF535.Z9C67 2010
346.730166dc22 2010002423

eISBN: 978-0-307-58981-1

v3.1

M Y NAME IS ON the cover of this book, just as my name is on the building at our law firms headquarters in St. Louis, and on the doors of our branch offices across the country. But this book, like the firm in a much larger sense, would not have been possible without the help of many people. Indeed, I should start these acknowledgments by thanking all the lawyers who have worked with me over the years. Ive learned something from every one of them, and we continue to share information and strategy, and to learn from each other in order to better represent men in domestic relations cases.

I need to thank several of our lawyers particularly, for taking their personal time to contribute so many comments, observations, and case studies that enrich this book with their up-to-the-minute insights on this ever-evolving area of law, and for their many real-life examples and experiences. Foremost among the contributors was Scott Trout, the managing partner of our firm, who is one of the most highly respected attorneys in the field and also one of my most trusted advisors and closest friends for many years.

Besides offering invaluable insights from his experiences in and out of court, Richard Coffee was essential in helping refine and shape the manuscript. In working with Richard on this project, it became clear to me that he could have written his own book about divorce for menbut I am extremely grateful that he helped with mine instead. Other lawyers in our far-flung offices who contributed to this book include Allison Cunningham, also a partner in the firm, along with Dorothy Ripka, Spencer Williams, Jill Best, Frank Murphy, Kristen Zurek, Connie Cho, Lisa Adams, Andy Ordyna, and Andy VanNess. From our corporate staff, Keri Esmar, Rick Ortiz, and Paul McMahon used their sharp eyes and their finely honed way with words to help in the editing and proofreading of the manuscript.

I also owe my thanks to Timothy Harper, the journalist-lawyer-professor who helped so much with the organizing and writing of this book. Id heartily recommend Tim, who is based at www.timharper.com, to any aspiring author who needs help negotiating the convoluted shoals of publishing in the twenty-first century. Our agent, Nancy Love, showed great confidence in this project from the first time we mentioned it to her. Her considerable abilities are the reason this book found a home at Crown Publishers, where our editor, Nathan Roberson, showed a deft hand and offered insightful encouragement. Its clear why so many people in the book world believe Nathan is going to be a force in the publishing industry for many years to come.

As always, in this and every other meaningful endeavor in my life, none of it would have been possible without the love and support of my family: my wife Yvonne, who founded Cordell & Cordell with me nearly two decades ago, and our beautiful daughters Elizabeth and Caroline.

Finally, this book would never have been possible without the generosity, spirit, and compassion of the men that Iand the lawyers in my firmhave represented across the country and across the years. The selfless commitment of these men to what is right and what is fairnot so much for themselves, but for their childrenis the real inspiration for our work, and for this book. Thank you, men. Keep fighting for your rights, and for your children.

Joseph Cordell
St. Louis, Missouri

D IVORCE IS ONE of the most daunting things a man can face in life. Its like trying to walk across a vast swamplandbut with heavy boots on your feet and a blindfold over your eyes. You never know when youre going to step into quicksand, and its easy to find yourself in over your head before you know it. Its easy to make mistakes. Most men do.

You dont have to be stupid to make a stupid mistake during a divorce, and you definitely dont have to be a bad husband or father. Smart, fair-minded, hardworking, good men make all sorts of mistakes in divorce. Executives and professors and doctors make the same mistakes that plumbers and truck drivers make. Indeed, sometimes the professional men make more mistakes.

Whats crazy is that many of these stupid mistakes happen when men are trying to do the right thing. They dont know how to negotiate their way through the legal and judicial processes, their good intentions backfire, and before they know it they have dug their own graves. Much of the time, the worst mistakes dont even seem like mistakes until later, when men suddenly realize that those seemingly innocuous or well-intentioned actions in fact had disastrous, life-changing consequences. When a divorce goes badly for a manfinancially, or in terms of seeing his childrenits usually because of one of the 10 Stupidest Mistakes in this book.

This book is for any man facing divorceincluding you. Maybe you are looking forward to being divorced. Maybe youre the one whos pulling the plug on the marriage. Or maybe it wasnt your decision. Maybe youre angry. And hurt. Maybe youre worried because shes threatening to take the children and keep you from seeing them. Maybe you dont have kids, or your kids are grown, and your biggest concern is that you dont want to get screwed financially. No matter who you are, the Stupid Mistakes are lurking out there in that swamp called divorce, waiting for you to make a misstep. This book can help you kick off the heavy boots and pull away the blindfold as you walk through the swamp, and can help you recognize the quicksand and the sinkholes. This is your map to high ground and safety.