Jojo Moyes - Still Me

Jojo Moyes

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STILL ME

To darling Saskia:
wear your own stripy tights with pride

Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.

Epictetus

It was the moustache that reminded me I was no longer in England: a solid, grey millipede firmly obscuring the mans upper lip; a Village People moustache, a cowboy moustache, the miniature head of a broom that meant business. You just didnt get that kind of moustache at home. I couldnt tear my eyes from it.

Maam?

The only person I had ever seen with a moustache like that at home was Mr Naylor, our maths teacher, and he collected Digestive crumbs in his we used to count them during algebra.

Maam?

Oh. Sorry.

The man in the uniform motioned me forward with a flick of his stubby finger. He did not look up from his screen. I waited at the booth, long-haul sweat drying gently into my dress. He held up his hand, waggling four fat fingers. This, I grasped after several seconds, was a demand for my passport.

Name.

Its there, I said.

Your name, maam.

Louisa Elizabeth Clark. I peered over the counter. Though I never use the Elizabeth bit. Because my mum realized after they named me that that would make me Lou Lizzy. And if you say that really fast it sounds like lunacy. Though my dad says thats kind of fitting. Not that Im a lunatic. I mean, you wouldnt want lunatics in your country. Hah! My voice bounced nervously off the Perspex screen.

The man looked at me for the first time. He had solid shoulders and a gaze that could pin you like a Tazer. He did not smile. He waited until my own faded.

Sorry, I said. People in uniform make me nervous.

I glanced behind me at the immigration hall, at the snaking queue that had doubled back on itself so many times it had become an impenetrable, restless sea of people. I think Im feeling a bit odd from standing in that queue. That is honestly the longest queue Ive ever stood in. Id begun to wonder whether to start my Christmas list.

Put your hand on the scanner.

Is it always that size?

The scanner? He frowned.

The queue.

But he was no longer listening. He was studying something on his screen. I put my fingers on the little pad. And then my phone dinged.

Mum: Have you landed?

I went to tap an answer with my free hand but he turned sharply towards me. Maam, you are not permitted to use cell-phones in this area.

Its just my mum. She wants to know if Im here. I surreptitiously tried to press the thumbs-up emoji as I slid the phone out of view.

Reason for travel?

What is that? came Mums immediate reply. She had taken to texting like a duck to water and could now do it faster than she could speak. Which was basically warp speed. You know my phone doesnt do the little pictures. Is that an SOS? Louisa tell me youre okay.

Reasons for travel, maam? The moustache twitched with irritation. He added, slowly: What are you doing here in the United States?

I have a new job.

Which is?

Im going to work for a family in New York. Central Park.

Just briefly, the mans eyebrows might have raised a millimetre. He checked the address on my form, confirming it. What kind of job?

Its a bit complicated. But Im sort of a paid companion.

A paid companion.

Its like this. I used to work for this man. I was his companion, but I would also give him his meds and take him out and feed him. Thats not as weird as it sounds, by the way he had no use of his hands. It wasnt like something pervy. Actually it ended up as more than that, because its hard not to get close to people you look after and Will the man was amazing and we Well, we fell in love. Too late, I felt the familiar welling of tears. I wiped my eyes briskly. So I think itll be sort of like that. Except for the love bit. And the feeding.

The immigration officer was staring at me. I tried to smile. Actually, I dont normally cry talking about jobs. Im not like an actual lunatic, despite my name. Hah! But I loved him. And he loved me. And then he Well, he chose to end his life. So this is sort of my attempt to start over. The tears were now leaking relentlessly, embarrassingly, from the corners of my eyes. I couldnt seem to stop them. I couldnt seem to stop anything. Sorry. Must be the jetlag. Its something like two oclock in the morning in normal time, right? Plus I dont really talk about him any more. I mean, I have a new boyfriend. And hes great! Hes a paramedic! And hot! Thats like winning the boyfriend lottery, right? A hot paramedic?

I scrabbled around in my handbag for a tissue. When I looked up the man was holding out a box. I took one. Thank you. So, anyway, my friend Nathan hes from New Zealand works here and he helped me get this job and I dont really know what it involves yet, apart from looking after this rich mans wife who gets depressed. But Ive decided this time Im going to live up to what Will wanted for me, because I didnt get it right, before. I just ended up working in an airport.

I froze. Not uh that theres anything wrong with working in an airport! Im sure immigration is a very important job. Really important. But I have a plan. Im going to do something new every week that Im here and Im going to say yes.

Say yes?

To new things. Will always said I shut myself off from new experiences. So this is my plan.

The officer studied my paperwork. You didnt fill the address section out properly. I need a zip code.

He pushed the form towards me. I checked the number on the sheet that I had printed out and filled it in with trembling fingers. I glanced to my left, where the queue at my section was growing restive. At the front of the next queue a Chinese family was being questioned by two officials. As the woman protested, they were led into a side room. I felt suddenly very alone.

The immigration officer peered at the people waiting. And then, abruptly, he stamped my passport. Good luck, Louisa Clark, he said.

I stared at him. Thats it?

Thats it.

I smiled. Oh, thank you! Thats really kind. I mean, its quite weird being on the other side of the world by yourself for the first time, and now I feel a bit like I just met my first nice new person and

You need to move along now, maam.

Of course. Sorry.

I gathered up my belongings and pushed a sweaty frond of hair from my face.

And, maam

Yes? I wondered what I had got wrong now.

He didnt look up from his screen. Be careful what you say yes to.

Nathan was waiting in Arrivals, as he had promised. I scanned the crowd, feeling oddly self-conscious, secretly convinced that nobody would come, but there he was, his huge hand waving above the shifting bodies around him. He raised his other arm, a smile breaking across his face, and pushed his way through to meet me, picking me up off my feet in a gigantic hug. Lou!

At the sight of him, something in me constricted unexpectedly something linked to Will and loss and the raw emotion that comes from sitting on a slightly-too-bumpy flight for seven hours and I was glad that he was holding me tightly so that I had a moment to compose myself. Welcome to New York, Shorty! Not lost your dress sense, I see.