Marvin Kitman - Gullibles Travels: A Comical History of the Trump Era

GULLIBLES TRAVELS

A Comical History of the Trump Era

Marvin Kitman*

SEVEN STORIES PRESS

New York Oakland Liverpool

*Author of The Making of the Preident 1789 and co-author of George Washingtons Expense Account

Copyright 2020 by Marvin Kitman

A SEVEN STORIES PRESS FIRST EDITION

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Seven Stories Press
140 Watts Street
New York, NY 10013
http://www.sevenstories.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Kitman, Marvin, 1929- author.
Title: Gullibles travels : a comical history of the Trump era / Marvin
Kitman.
Other titles: Comical history of the Trump era
Description: New York : Seven Stories Press, 2020.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020006755 (print) | LCCN 2020006756 (ebook) | ISBN
9781609809881 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781609809898 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Trump, Donald, 1946---Humor. | Presidents--United
States--Humor. | United States--Politics and government--2017---Humor. |
Political satire, American.
Classification: LCC E913.3 .K58 2020 (print) | LCC E913.3 (ebook) | DDC
973.933092--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020006755
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020006756

For Donald J. Trump, without whom this book would not have been possible.

These things serve to shew how far the People were really overcome with Delusions; and as they had a notion of the Approach of a Visitation, all their Predictions run upon a most dreadful Plague.

DANIEL DEFOE, A Journal of the Plague Year

One other such victory and we shall be utterly ruined.

PYRRHUS, in Plutarchs Life of Pyrrhus

To me the utterances of the unenlightened are as noises emanating from the belly. What difference does it make to me whether their rumblings come from their upper or nether regions?

DEMETRIUS, to his friend Seneca

Its every man for hisself, cried the Elephant as he danced among the Chickens.

ANON

CONTENTS

year one (11/1611/17)

more year one (11/1711/18)

year two (11/1811/19)

more year two

year three

Preface

A question I am often asked is how do I become a pundit like you?

First of all, I explain, there are no openings in the field. Already there are far too many pundits. It is my humble considered opinion pundits should be licensed. You need a drivers license to drive. So why not?

If the petitioner persists, I explain it is very hard to become a pundit. You have to study your Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and Kant. Read all the books and speeches of Henry Kissinger, who we call Hank. Eat lots of fresh vegetables, and go to bed early at night.

I guess I wasnt too encouraging.

I myself reached the pinnacle of journalistic achievement by watching the TV news. My hero growing up was Eric Sevareid, the pundit in residence at CBS News, circa 1970.

He was the apostle of dealing evenhandedly with any controversial subject. He was so balanced, we called him Eric Severalsides. He would give both sides of an issue, even when there were three or more, and end with a You decide.

Someday I hope to be as respected as Eric Severalsides.

The ideal basic training for my current role as one of the nations leading pundits (in the top 2,687,905 at last count) was serving as a TV critic. For thirty-five years at Newsday , I stuck my neck out five times a week making judgments on the nations most important issues. What did I think of Laverne & Shirley or fake news shows like The Jerry Springer Show ? And who do I think shot J.R. in Dallas ?

I still remember getting a letter from a fan of my work.

Dear Mister Know It All:

How dare you say Laverne & Shirley is the worst thing to happen on TV since the invention of commercials? Thats only your opinion, you Rat Fink Jew Commie Kike Red Bastard.

Anon.

Dear Sir or Madam, I would patiently explain, If I didnt have an opinion as a critic I would be fired.

Yours, Rat Fink Jew Commie Kike Red Bastard

Still it hurt. I have a low threshold for criticism; anything less than unstinting praise is painful. You need to develop the skin of a rhinoceros to survive in this line of work.

As a rat fink Jew commie kike red bastard critic, there was more to it than calling them as I saw them. I needed to come up with original concepts that said something more meaningful than just thumbs up or down.

My most important contribution was Kitmans Law:

On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel .

I also was the first to predict that cable prices will always rise.

So it was only natural after stepping down from the seat of power as an arbiter of tasteas I explained to my readers in 2005, Newsday gave me an audition in 1969, and after 35 years we mutually decided it wasnt working outthat I should turn to a life of crime as a pundit ! No longer could I hide behind a medium like television, which, as pundit Fred Allen once said years ahead of his time (1953), is called a medium because nothing is well done.

I chose as the medium for my work as a serious pundit, not newspapers, which all the other pundits were predicting were on their last legs, but the medium of the future, The Internet.

The Internet is the perfect venue for punditing.

Whats great about the Internet: there are no fact-checkers. Its like the FBI files, filled with information, some of which is true. Everything carries equal weight: real facts, true facts, plain old fact facts, or no facts, championed by our current commander in chief of the most powerful nation on the planet. Not to mention, the ever-popular alternative facts.

Should you be challenged as a pundit, your defense can be: The facts are accurate. I made them up myself.

The Internet is the one place where you can practice Trump-style journalism. No need to waste time on research. You just make up whatever facts, data or information is needed. Who knows, if lucky you might be invited to play golf at Mar-a-Lago.

A pundit has to be ahead of the curve. I myself am often ahead of my times, by as much as five minutes.

On the downside of the profession, you have no idea who actually hears you as you cast your pearls of wisdom at the swine, I mean Internet news junkies.

Still its a lot better than going up to the roof of your high-rise and yelling at the wind. Or becoming one of those bores at dinner or cocktail parties who keeps talking about Trump or Bernie or Crooked Hillary or the real Americans who want the wall. Lock them all up!

The most important thing you need to do is come up with a motto that distinguishes you from others in the field. Mine is: Often wrong, but never in doubt (Pat. Pending).

Enough of giving away trade secrets. Should anyone want to know even more about how to become a rich, famous, and powerful pundit, I strongly recommend that you eat right, get lots of sleep, and read this book.

Remember, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the pundit.

The author is on the short list for this years Emily Litella Prize in journalism.

B efore we go on, with all due transparency, I want to make something perfectly clear, I am a Republican, a proud registered Republican, a New Jersey Republican, one of the three left in my little town in Northern New Jersey (pop. 9,937). There may be others, but its not such a good thing to be called one openly the way things have been going in the Oval Office lately.