Furphy Rick - Sh*t Towns of Australia

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Australia is shit. Ever since it was invaded by Her Majestys finest explorers and populated by her worst criminals, Australia has been a smorgasbord of shit townsafter all, shit people need shit places to live. The epic expanse of sundried excrement that simultaneously masquerades as a continent, an island and a country is sprinkled with a veritable fuck-tonne of crappy towns and shitty cities, from dusty desert shitholes to free-range bogan breeding grounds to megacities filled to the gunnels with highfalutin flogs. Surrounding this scattering of awful settlements is a vast country populated by the worlds most dangerous creatures, from crocs and sharks to snakes and spiders, from drop bears and yowies to bin chickens and Tasmanians.

Shitting on towns is as much a national pastime as binge drinking or homoerotic ball sports. Ever since a syphilitic sea dog sailed into Botany Bay and declared the land to be completely empty (despite the presence of hundreds of thousands of Indigenous people for at least 50,000 years prior), Australians have revelled in taking the piss. This book sets out to inventory the diverse villages, hamlets and settlements that make up the Lucky Country, from the affluent to the effluentthe rural to the urinalprofiling all the best places not to visit or, heaven forbid, live.

The towns and cities reviewed in this volume have been carefully selected using an exacting set of scientific criteria developed at the prestigious University of Nimbin, combined with extensive field research and a healthy sense of humour. Some towns were so abjectly shit that we couldnt even summon a few hundred words to sum up their shitness.

Our research project has already made its mark on Australian society. Through our Facebook page we have received proverbial bags of fan mail from delighted residents all over the country, and we are pleased to share some of that correspondence in this book (names may have been changed). Its these kinds of messages that remind us every day why we do what we do.

Stay classy, Australia.

Rick and Geoff

SIGNIFICANT EVENTS IN AUSTRALIAN HISTORY

HOW TO SPEAK AUSTRALIAN

Communicating with an Australian can be a challenging experience. Unlike other notoriously difficult to learn languages like Esperanto or Klingon, Australian doesnt follow an easily discernible pattern. Below are a few simple words and phrases that will help you navigate your travels in the Lucky Country.

1.	Your New Years fireworks display consists of setting a stolen car on fire
2.	The most famous person to come from your town is an animal
3.	The only tourists who visit are due to a Google Maps error
4.	You still have a video store