Furphy Rick - Sh*t Towns of New Zealand. Number 2
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- Book:Sh*t Towns of New Zealand. Number 2
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- Publisher:A New Zealand;Allen & Unwin
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- Year:2018;2019
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Slagging off our towns is as much a national pastime as binge drinking and homoerotic ball sports. Ever since a Dutch bloke in a sailboat did a driveby and claimed to have discovered the place (much to the chagrin of Maori living here), New Zealanders have revelled in taking the piss.
The towns reviewed in this volume have been carefully selected using an exacting set of scientific criteria based on the Scheisse-Ortschaft Formula, combined with extensive field research and a healthy sense of humour.
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
I believe we were all glad to leave New Zealand. It is not a pleasant place. Amongst the natives there is absent that charming simplicity... and the greater part of the English are the very refuse of society. Charles Darwin, 1860
A country of inveterate, backwoods, thick-headed, egotistic philistines. Vladimir Lenin, 1909
Altogether too many sheep. George Bernard Shaw, 1934
New Zealand is shit. From the festering shitropolis of Auckland to the bubbling shit pit of Rotorua, right down to the frozen shitsicle of Invercargill, New Zealand is a veritable smorgasbord of crappy towns and shitty cities. This book sets out to inventory the diverse villages, hamlets and settlements that make up the Land of the Long Brown Skid Mark, from the affluent to the effluent, the rural to the urinal, profiling all the best places not to visit or, heaven forbid, live.
Shitting on towns is as much a national pastime as binge drinking and homoerotic ball sports. Ever since a Dutch bloke in a sailboat did a drive-by and claimed to have discovered the place (much to the chagrin of the literally dozens of Maori living rather full and interesting lives there), New Zealanders have revelled in taking the piss.
The towns reviewed in this volume have been carefully selected using an exacting set of scientific criteria developed at the prestigious Pyongyang University, combined with extensive field research and a healthy sense of humour. Some towns were so abjectly shit that we couldnt even summon a few hundred words to sum up their shitness.
The task of reporting on shit towns, while vital, has not been without its sacrifices. Not only have aspersions been cast about our sexuality, but our parentage has been questioned, our research ripped off by a commercial radio station, and the bogan equivalent of a fatwa placed on our heads by the townsfolk of Cromwell; an elected mayor even suggested we should be shot. We have been the subject of many hours of apoplectic talkback radio, several indignant letters to the editor and even a large protest in Patea, although that might have just been the locals queuing for the WINZ office. Still, like other true Kiwi pioneers such as Edmund Hillary, Ernest Rutherford and Hairy Maclary, we didnt let naysayers deter us from our mission: to write the definitive volume cataloguing all the shades of shitness from Karitane yellow to a hearty Whittakers brown.
It is important to note, however, that while New Zealand is filled to the brim with a selection of settlements ranging from the tawdry to the banal to the utterly apocalyptic, it could always be worse. We could be Australia.
SIGNIFICANT EVENTS IN NEW ZEALAND HISTORY
Maui reels in the North Island, blatantly breaching fishing quota. | |
Aggravated by the suns brisk transit, Maui gives it a sound thrashing, a beat-down that would later be pinpointed as the cause of global warming. | |
1000 | New Zealand colonised by the Chinese. |
1100 | New Zealand colonised by the Irish, who eat the Chinese. The only remnant of Chinese colonisation is the Chinese gooseberry or kiwifruit. |
1200 | New Zealand colonised by the Moriori, who eat the Irish. The only remnant of Irish colonisation is Cartertons Stonehenge. |
1300 | Kupe discovers New Zealand. New Zealand colonised by the Maori, who eat the Moriori. |
1642 | Abel Tasman discovers New Zealand (again). |
1769 | James Cook discovers New Zealand (again). |
1800 | New Zealand colonised by the English, who end the long tradition of eating the previous inhabitants and just nick their land instead. |
1840 | Treaty of Waitangi signed; is such a great success that it is never spoken of again. |
1840 | New Zealands first capital established in Russell. |
1841 | New Zealands capital moved to Auckland after everyone realises how shit Russell is. |
1844 | New Zealands first nimby, Hone Heke, lodges aggressive RMA submission against neighbours non-notified property modification. |
1865 | New Zealands capital moved to Wellington after everyone realises how shit Auckland is. |
1886 | Pink and White Terraces dismantled and sold to the Chinese as dragon penis. |
1893 | New Zealand becomes the first country to allow women to vote. As predicted by opponents, this is followed by allowing dogs to vote two years later, resulting in New Zealands first canine prime minister in 1896. |
1903 | Richard Pearse, the Milli Vanilli of aviation pioneers, sort-of kind-of achieves flight. |
1906 | After the shitberry fails to catch on as the national fruit, New Zealand rebrands the Chinese gooseberry as kiwifruit. |
1917 | Ernest Rutherford accidentally splits the atom by microwaving a pie in tinfoil. |
1931 | Hawkes Bay earthquake improves Napier and Hastings. |
1947 | New Zealands last moa dies after being hit by a tram in Otorohanga. |
1953 | Sherpa Tenzing Norgay becomes the first man to scale Mount Everest, and Edmund Hillary was also there. |
1967 | Burt Munro breaks land-speed record on a motorcycle made out of duct tape and bits from the Invercargill inorganic rubbish collection. |
1974 | Prime Minister Norman Kirk poisoned by CIA after being mistaken for the PM of Australia. |
1976 | Hudson and Halls win gold medal in pairs figure-skating at the Innsbruck Winter Olympics. |
1981 | Apartheid South Africas Springboks visit New Zealand for a classic match of rugby versus human rights. |
1982 | Russell Crowe, under the stage name Russ Le Roq, begins performing in Wellington with the male strip troupe 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. |
1984 | Prime Minister Robert Muldoon calls a snap election hours before dying of alcohol poisoning. |
1984 | Christian singer-songwriter Dave Dobbyn incites Queen Street riot. |
1987 | Rainbow Warrior sunk by French spies in retaliation for All Blacks World Cup win. |
1992 | Christchurch Civic Creche witch-hunt results in the last public witch-burning in New Zealand history. |
1994 | TVNZ Goodnight Kiwi killed by feral dog. |
1994 | David Bain popularises colourful knitted fashion. |
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