Desus - God-Level Knowledge Darts: Life Lessons from the Bronx

HELLO ESTEEMED READER. I AM THE KID MERO. CONGRATULATIONS ON SELECTING SUCH AN IMPORTANT AND CULTURALLY RELEVANT BOOK.

TYPICALLY WHEN PEOPLE CALL SHIT CULTURALLY RELEVANT AND IMPORTANT, ITS BECAUSE IT SUCKS. BUT THERES MAD WHITE GUILT ATTACHED TO TEARING DOWN A POC AUTHOR IN 2020, ESPECIALLY ONE LIKE ME THAT CHECKS MULTIPLE BOXES *USES #2 PENCIL TO FILL IN BLACK AND LATINO* SO I CAN FREELY SAY IT ABOUT MY OWN SHIT. THE FUCK YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? I AM POC (I PRONOUNCE IT LIKE 2PAC) AND THEREFORE BEYOND REBUKE.

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THIS BOOK REALLY IS FUCKING PHENOMENAL AND WILL BE ON YOUR KIDS COLLEGE SYLLABUS FOR THE CLASS IDENTIFYING WITH OTHERNESS IN CULTURE IF THEY GO TO A VERY EXPENSIVE PRIVATE INSTITUTION.

PLEASE ENJOY THIS BOOK OVER AND OVER WHILE YOU COMMUTE TO WORK, TAKE A SHIT, TAKE A SHIT WHILE COMMUTING TO WORK. BRUH IF YOU SHIT ON NJ TRANSIT YOU ARE A SPECIAL TYPE OF SAVAGE. WHATEVER. I LOVE YOU. SOME OF THIS ADVICE IS GREAT AND SOME OF IT ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN SUCKS, WHICH, IN A WAY, MAKES THIS A CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE BOOK. LOOK AT HOW DYNAMIC THE BRAND IS. IM GONNA LET DESUS SAY SOMETHING HERE BECAUSE IM GETTING ANXIETY WATCHING THIS BLUNT BURN IN THE ASHTRAY AND NOT INHALING ITS MAGICAL VAPORS. GO GET EM PAL.

As the child of a New York public branch librarian (go get em Mom!), a former employee of the New York Public Library myself (shouts to Nipple! Thats an inside joke, forget you read it), and an English major (shouts to my homie Jane Eyre), writing this book has been a lifelong aspiration.

Ideally this book will last forever, and in 2091 some very sad half-robot/half-human kids will read passages from it and say, Wow, thats what life was like before the ice caps melted and drowned half the population. (This is said in a weird hybrid Chinese/Minecraft accent).

With this book, we want to give you our hard-won wisdom. Think of it as a fat sack of truth nuggets, a journey inside the minds of myself and Mero. While you probably know us from oh, I dont know, creating some of the best television in the history of television (GAME OF THRONES WHO?) and perhaps the greatest and most entertaining and most problematic and damn it just the realest and most Bronx podcast ever, Bodega Boys, which is our life, blood, and soul, youve never known us like this. And if you dont know us, welcome to the fucking Bronx.

Mero has mad kids so this probably doesnt feel like having a(nother) child to him, but to me, writing this book has been an amazing experience and feels like I just watched a baby come out a vagina (Im wearing the traditional Im from the hood and this is my baby shower, I aint pull out in time Burberry shirt as I write this). If nothing else, you should at least come away from this book with an arsenal of knowledge darts, like the price of a brick of coke (41K in NYC unless you got a connect or can speak Spanish).

So please sit back and enjoy. And keep a glass of water near you while you read because youre going to laugh repeatedly and, sadly, many of you are single, so if youre eating a meal while reading this or listening to the audiobook, theres a good chance your food will go down the wrong pipe and youll start choking. Unfortunately, you curbed a potential boo a few months ago, probably for a silly reason like he/she used the wrong form of there in a text message and you were all, Umm I have a degree, Im not putting up with this, and now youre choking alone in your apartment. You try to yell, but between the food caught in your windpipe and the loud sound of the British cooking show playing in the background on Netflix, no one can hear your feeble attempts to scream for help. In a panic, you ram your stomach into the corner of a table to try to get your diaphragm to push up the food, but youve never done that before and oh shit that hurt and it didnt help and oh my god, youre really dying now, and as you see that white light and head to see your maker, your last conscious thought is a wondrous paradox, the realization that youre dying from us, for us. Youre dying for The Hive, which is one of the top three highest honors one can achieve in this life. Much like a Viking funeral where the body is set on fire and pushed into the water to enter Valhalla, this is your greatest moment. So take that final breath, laugh a muffled, choking laugh, and as you pass out, let your final words be The brand is brolic.

Thank you for rocking with us.

Sincerely, Dark Desus

HELLO READER, ITS MERO AGAIN, AKA THE PLANTAIN SUPERNOVA. AT THIS POINT, OR PROBABLY AFTER THE FIRST SENTENCE, YOU WERE LIKE, WHY IS THIS IN ALL CAPS? ITS BECAUSE I ALMOST ALWAYS WRITE IN ALL CAPS. IF IM DRIVING DOWN UNIVERSITY AND FIRING OFF A TEXT I MIGHT NOT USE CAPS, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS ON LOCK. IT COMES FROM MY GRAFFITI BACKGROUND, GROWING UP SEEING BESTER IN ALL CAPS AND THE SHIT LOOKED SUPER CLEAN AND STYLISH ALL UP AND DOWN TREMONT AVENUE IN THE BRONX. IT WAS SO GOOD AND SO UBIQUITOUS, I THOUGHT BESTER AND ITS VARIANTS (BESTER TFT & BESTER OTB) WERE PRODUCTS MADE BY A COMPANY CALLED BESTER. THATS WHAT DREW ME INTO GRAFFITI AND MADE ME WRITE IN A DIFFERENT WAY EVERY TIME I WROTE *ANYTHING.* THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY WAYS TO DO THAT WITHIN THE RIGID STRUCTURE OF COMPUTERS (ANNNAAARRCCHHHYY!!!) AND ALL CAPS IS ONE OF THEM.

ALSO IF YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT CAPS, IM SORRY, BUT YOURE A HERB, MY GUY. DONT GIVE ME THE IT HURTS MY EYES SHIT EITHER, ARE YOU A FUCKING TODDLER? SOWWY WIDDO BABY EYEBAWS. OH YOU CONSIDER CAPS YELLING? YOURE KIDDING, RIGHT? HOW BORING ARE YOU? HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN A BLOWJOB WITH THE LIGHTS ON BEFORE? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FINGERED IN AN ELEVATOR, NOT KNOWING IF SOMEONE ELSE WAS GONNA GET ON, AND NOT GIVING A SHIT? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FUCKIN DWEEB WHOS NEVER GOTTEN YOUR ASS EATEN? IF YOU CARE ABOUT READING IN ALL CAPS AND CHOOSE TO BLOCK YOUR BLESSINGS, YOU ARE A COLOSSAL FUCKING NERD WHO FOLLOWS INTERNET ETIQUETTE ANDHOLY SHIT I CANT BELIEVE THATS EVEN A THING. FUCKIN INTERNET ETIQUETTE. THE INTERNET IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WILD WEST, BRUH. I KNOW THIS IS A BOOK AND NOT THE INTERNET BUT FUCK OFF, ITS ALL THE SAME NOW, ITS 2020, DAWG. NOT READING MY SHIT BECAUSE ITS IN ALL CAPS IS LIKE NOT HAVING AMAZING SPONTANEOUS SEX BECAUSE YOURE IN A DRESSING ROOM AT NEIMANS AND THaTs NoT ALLoWeD.