Wallace - Who Is Tom Ditto?

Contents

Tom got a note from his girlfriend. She says she hasnt left him. But that shes gone.

But where the hell is she? When is she coming back?

And what is Tom supposed to do in the meantime?

In his quest for answers, Tom stumbles across an eccentric group of people with a highly-addictive hobby. Hes also certain hes being followed by an equally bizarre girl.

With each new clue to Hayleys whereabouts, Tom is forced to question whether he really knows his girlfriend at all. Because who is Hayley?

And who, for that matter, is TOM DITTO?

Danny Wallace is a Sunday Times-bestselling author who lives in London. He has written six non-fiction books including Yes Man which became a hugely successful film with Jim Carrey in the lead role. In 2012 Dannys first novel Charlotte Street was published to great acclaim and has been described as brilliantly funny by the Daily Mail and one of the years coolest must-reads by Stylist.

Danny has a weekly column in ShortList magazine and in 2012 was the host of the Xfm Breakfast Show with Danny Wallace, for which he won three Sony Radio Academy Awards and Arqiva Radio Presenter of the Year.

Find out more at: www.dannywallace.com

Fiction:

Charlotte Street

Non-fiction:

What Not To Do (And How To Do It)

Awkward Situations for Men

Friends Like These

Yes Man

Danny Wallace and the Centre of the Universe

Join Me

Random Acts of Kindness

Are You Dave Gorman?

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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First published in 2014 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
A Random House Group Company

Copyright 2014, Danny Wallace

Danny Wallace has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

This novel is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the authors imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner

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Hardback ISBN 9780091919030
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To Wag and Will
The boys

Be well
Ezra Cockroft, 1982

The evening of June the 12th was unusual for many reasons in the end, of course, but it was unusual mostly because the evening of June the 12th was the evening my girlfriend did not leave me.

Tom,

I have not left you. But I am gone.

Please just carry on as normal.

Love always

Hayley

I stared at the words and sat down in my chair.

I am not saying Im not a trusting man.

Im not saying you cant trust most people. But usually, when you meet someone you can trust, you know. It was as obvious with Hayley as her big blue eyes; as the curl of hair shed keep tucking behind her ear.

Here, her Hayley this was a girl you could trust.

The second she gave me her number, I did the thing I always do when someone gives me their number.

I looked at it, then said, Wow, no way! Thats my favourite number!

Its a pretty good thing to say.

All you have to do after saying something like that is sit back and wait for the laughter to subside. Its a banker. A deal-sealer. If that doesnt get a laugh, youre doing it wrong, and maybe you should start questioning how you do everything else in your life, too, because maybe you cant even make a sandwich properly.

And now I sat in my flat, in the dark, on the chair in the corner, dialling that number again and again and again and again and again.

It was fast becoming not-my-favourite.

A strange thing, being left, while being assured you have not been left.

What are you supposed to do with that? Just switch to solo behaviour? Just think fine and start buying meals-for-one?

Four hours had passed and I was still sitting in that chair. Jangling my keys. Listening to the dogs outside. Dusk had turned to dark. Confusion had turned to anger and settled, lump-thick, deep in my stomach.

Where had Hayley gone?

I guess that was my main question.

But also, and obviously why? How long would she be gone? Was she gone gone? Why didnt I know where shed gone? Why didnt I know she was going? Why was she saying she was going but not gone?

Almost two years wed been together. We had responsibilities. We had direct debits.

Id left messages, of course, tonight. I sounded confused on the first one. Furious on the second. Worried on the third and fourth. Desperate as I hit the fifth, and sixth, and then silent seventh.

Id texted.

Where are you?

Where have you gone?

Hayley, call me.

Id made calls to other people, too. Lots of calls.

Her best friend, Fran. Her brother, her sister

Annie, its Tom, Id said, head down, shoulders hunched, headache starting, standing by the window, one hand against the wall, phone pressed too hard against my cheek, because this feeling, these nerves, they had to go somewhere. It was loud where Annie was. Restaurant? Maybe drinks? Is Hayley with you?

A moment.

No, Tom

She knew. She knew shed gone. It was right there slotted between the pause and where a What do you mean? should have been. So yes, her sister knew shed gone, but worse shed known she was going.

Why didnt you tell me?

Hayley wanted it to be a surprise for everyone.

A surprise?

She sounded distant. What did that mean? Was Annie preparing to say goodbye to me? Backing off? Fading me out of her life? That was bad. The ex you can keep hold of for a while, they owe it to you while you talk things out, theyre still in your life, but the friends, the family they start drifting away the second they see the iceberg from the ship.

Well, its definitely a surprise, I said, loudly, angrily, trying to keep her engaged, stop her from jumping overboard. What does it mean, Annie? Where is she?

Shes not left you, Tom, if thats what youre worried about.

If thats what Im worried about?!

But I had to play it carefully here. Annie sounded testy. Like I was overreacting. Like that was typical