Oxford - Everything Is Perfect When Youre a Liar

KELLY :

I need to write an introduction for my book.

SALINGER,

AGE ELEVEN

Like what?

KELLY :

An introduction for my book. Like, a Hey, whats up, Im Kellys book.

HENRY,

AGE EIGHT :

Your book, How I Molest Your Mother ?

SAL :

Can I be in the introduction?

KELLY :

Im not calling the book How I Molest Your Mother , Henry.

SAL :

Just say, Buy this book, its hilarious. There. Thats an introduction.

HENRY :

Write this down, say, My stupid kids are in this, its hilarious. Buy it today.

KELLY :

Dont you want to know what the book is about?

HENRY :

How You Molest Your Mother ? Okay, okay, fine. Ill stop making that joke.

SAL :

Can I read the book?

KELLY :

Yes.

SAL :

Who are you dedicating it to? Your beautiful children? Your loving husband? Angela? Aimee? Your sister? Your editors?

KELLY :

I dont know. Does that make me a bad writer?

SAL :

Yes. NO... I thought you were going to say, Does that make me a bad person? It makes you a bad person but not a bad writer .

KELLY :

So how do I get people to buy the book?

SAL :

Put it on sale, like normal people do. Or dedicate it to everyone in the world so people feel like its about them.

KELLY :

Henry, quit watching Adventure Time .

SAL :

Its the Regular Show . Know the difference.

KELLY :

Bea, why are you sitting on the other side of the room? Come talk to me about my book.

BEATRIX,

AGE FOUR :

Id better not be in the book. I dont want to be in it at all. Im going to see Dad.

KELLY :

Maybe I should write the introduction about how some people try to make their lives seem perfect but end up just filtering out all the good stuff.

HENRY :

Like Britney Spears, but her life sucks.

SAL :

Morgan Freeman seems perfect. He sounds perfect.

HENRY :

Martha Stewart, but she went to jail. Rihanna.

SAL :

Rihanna was punched by Chris Brown.

KELLY :

Do you think that maybe some people have boring lives because they dont take risks?

HENRY :

Martha Stewart.

KELLY :

Her life doesnt seem boring.

HENRY :

The hoarder guy in the Speedo who lives across the street from us. His house is full of garbage.

SAL :

Henry, he stands outside in a Speedo. Hes a risk taker.

HENRY :

Youre right. Mom, if I see someone pick up your book in the bookstore, Im gonna whisper, Buy it, buy it. Okay, I want to watch TV.

KELLY :

But I need ideas.

HENRY :

Only if I get some of that Coke.

KELLY :

Fine.

SAL :

I need some too. Now what?

KELLY :

What do you think a perfect life is?

SAL :

Like the lady in Troop Beverly Hills , only if she wasnt getting a divorce.

KELLY :

Right, and if she left out the part where she was getting a divorce shed be lying, but her life would be totally perfect.

SAL :

Uh, yeah.

KELLY :

But a lot of my life sounds like a lie because Im not perfect and I do a lot of weird and stupid things.

SAL :

What? Too deep.

KELLY :

Sal, quit reading that magazine.

HENRY :

Shh, one more thing... [Henry farts.]

KELLY :

I think the stories in the book are basically about how you cant and shouldnt sugarcoat things.

SAL :

You dont sugarcoat anything.

BEA :

Im back, and I have two spoons in my chocolate milk.

HENRY :

I think Christina Aguileras life is perfect. Wait. Maybe not. She has lots of sad songs and lots of weird ones, like the one where she is in a bra in a cage and singing with mud on her. Man, I love when you drink a Coke then hit your stomach and you can hear the Coke in there. Can I have chips? A peanut butter cup? Otherwise Im watching my show and doing homework.

KELLY :

Fine.

HENRY :

Sounds like you really need us. Hows life?