Jeremy Greenberg - Sorry I Peed on You

Sorry I Peed on You 2011 by Jeremy Greenberg. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-0648-6

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010930551

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www.sorryipeedonyou.com

Cover design by Ren-Whei Harn

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Listen, I dont want to hurt your feelings, and I know that youre just doing it out of fun, but dont you think Im getting a bit old to be playing peekaboo? Shutting your eyes does not make you invisible. I know youre there. When I was younger, I totally bought it. But Ive used the big-boy potty seven times now, and I can point to anything thats yellow. Clearly, my intellect has moved on. Sure, just the other day, you covered your eyes and asked, Wheres Mommy? to remove your hands only seconds later and say, Here I am! and I giggled hysterically. But remember that I paused a second before gigglingit was a polite hint.

There are a lot of new games we can play, Mommy. Im tall enough to reach the countertops now, so how about Wheres Mommys Cell Phone? Or now that I can open the childproof cabinets, we can play Mommy, Look What I Found in the Garbage.

Youre the best mommy in the whole world, and I appreciate your understanding. Please dont get too upset. The last thing anyone wants is a repeat of I Got Your Nose.

Love,

Jack

Theres been a breach in sector 2 of the fish stick containment unit. My fish sticks touched the ketchup and have been rendered inedible. Analysts are trying to figure out how the French fry barrier was breached. Be careful, Mommy. Just to be safe, Im not going to eat another bite. I know that youre trying to say its going to be okay, that its just a little ketchup and that I love ketchup on my French fries. Duly noted, but as a precaution, I think I should evacuate the high chair.

Love,

Kole

Do you think Buddy knows he has four legs? How come Buddys bed has his name on it, but mine doesnt? I want my name on my bed. If I had four legs could I pee in the yard? Can I pee in the yard if its my birthday? When is Buddys birthday? Did Buddy wear diapers when he was a baby? How come Buddy doesnt have any friends? Is Buddy a loser, Mommy?

Buddy and I like to play chase. I chase him, and then he chases me, then I chase him, then he tries to take a nap. I think, Why is Buddy taking a nap? Ive only been chasing him for three hours. Maybe hes hungry. So then I ask you for a snack but throw it on the floor for Buddy. But I think Buddys still tired. Can you make him a cup of coffee? I gave him a sip of yours while you were in the bathroom, but he just stuck his tongue in it once, sneezed, and went back to sleepbut I think thats because he didnt want to drink your germs.

Love,

Macy

Somethings wrong with my jungle gym. It keeps saying Daddys out of breath, and Oh, be careful, honey. Daddys going to tear his rotator cuff. Why doesnt the jungle gym understand that if it tears its cuff, youll just hem it like you do your pants? But theres a lot that I love about my jungle gym. The top half can turn bright red when I hang on its neck too long. The jungle gym at the park cant change colors, and the one at the park cant scream, Ow, honey, that hurts! either. I am very lucky!

Mommy, I really love my jungle gym, and climbing is very good for my motor skills development. So if the jungle gym is running out of breath, can you tell it not to waste any of it complaining about back spasms or slipped discs?

Love,

Madeline

You dont seem very happy that I tossed my food against the wall. But please see it not as a wanton act of toddler vandalism. Rather, it is an act of creative expression.

When youre my age, you dont have too many ways to tell the world who you are. I can cry, use the three words I know, or throw food. I call this particular fresco Marinara on a Voyage through Space and Time. Many things inspire toddler-food art. I derived my inspiration for this piece from finding a chunk of green bell pepper in the sauce.

One of the things art is supposed to do is create an emotional response in the viewer. Judging by your response, Id say my creation was a success! Though not all people respond the same. For some reason, my masterpiece made Daddy thirsty, because he stood up and said he needed a drink.

Love,

Miles

Just because I jump higher and giggle louder every time you yell Sophia, stop jumping on the couch! it doesnt mean Ive got some couch-jumping problem. I can stop anytime I want, Mommy. I just jump on the couch to relax, and see whats on the kitchen counters. The fact it makes you and Daddy have faces like you need your diapers changed is an added bonus.

Not only is couch jumping satisfying to me, Daddy says if I keep it up, Ill probably satisfy his insurance deductible. So please, Mommy, dont worry. Ive been jumping on the couch since I was in diapersI know what Im doing.

Love,

Sophia