Jeremy Greenberg - Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed Again: (and More Heartwarming Letters from Kitty)

Other books by Jeremy Greenberg

Sorry I Humped Your Leg

Sorry I Slept on Your Face

Sorry I Peed on You

Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe

Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed

Kitty Hearts Doggy

Stink Outside the Box

Dear Hamstrung Human,

Not once have Charlie and I seen you attempt to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the china hutch, and were concerned. We think the problem is that your hamstrings are too tight. Please join us for yoga on the cat-hair-covered expensive yoga mat, on which we also practice our cleanse-pukes during off days. Every morning, you can deepen your practice as we bend over and lick toes. Not only will you feel a nice stretch in your back and tail but youll also be able to clean stuck bits of litter from between your toes.

After a few weeks, youll be leaping onto any surface that youre not allowed without the fear of missing, falling into the fish tank, and being shamed in a viral video.

Namaste,

Robin

Name: Charlie (in upward sitting snowball) and Robin (in sideways stretching tabby)

Re: Join us for yoga!

Dear Pants-crapping Human,

It obviously pains me deeply to know that you cant find your cat. I understand he is white with a mostly black head and black tuft of fur under his chin and answers to the name of Meoni. I havent seen him. Hes definitely not sleeping on the bench in the backyard and choosing not to answer because he knows the can of food youre tapping on is the same boring crap hes eaten for ten years. He was last seen an hour ago, right before you left the sliding glass door open. Theres a reward for finding him, and that reward is listening to him loudly howl at you while you remove him from his place in the sun and carry him back into your dark house.

Sure hope you find him,

Meoni

Name: Meoni

Re: This is how much I care

Dear Human Knucklehead,

Let me tellz ya about the time I seen this mouse coming for my food, see? This was back in my alley days, before youz nice people found me, cut my things off, and gave me this here bed soze the kids who live here can see the face of a champion. Anyway, I seez this mouse right at the time this other cat does. I sez, Meow! Then that bum cat sez, Meow! The mouse hears us both and runs away. I sez to the bum, I sez, Thats my mouse. The other cat sez, What mouse?

Oh, a wise guycat, huh? I givez him a swat and another swat. And if I hadnt already had a belly full of trash scraps, Id have murdered the bum. Instead, we just hissed at each other once more and then decided to groom each other. Im now godcat to her litter.

See youz later!

Finnegan

Name: Finnegan

Re: Let me tellz youz about my fighting days

Dearest Grieving Human,

I saw you wiping down the cat carrier with that cloth that is supposed to make me like being in it, but unfortunately we cant go to the vet at the moment because Ive unexpectedly died. Yes, its very sad. But not that sad, considering Ive got nine lives and spending one on getting out of going to the vet is a worthy sacrifice. Please call the vet and tell her the bad news. Let her know the cause of death is hating the kitten-print scrubs her assistants wear. Im sure shell understand. And dont try to call my name, because all I see is a bright light and kitty angels telling me going to the vet sucks and I should lie here unresponsive until you just scoop me up and make me go anyway.

Adorably departed,

Ovid

Name: Ovid

Re: Id love to go the vet, but unfortunately Im dead right now

Dear Underprotective Mommy,

Look, I wasnt planning on drooling, and especially not on my new brother, but he drooled on me first. Tell Holden not to drool on me and I wont drool on him. As my new brother, I have to make sure he understands that while I love him more than anything in the world, theres nothing he can do that I cant. Sure, I pooped on the carpet yesterday. But guess where I got the idea! Thats right, Holden showed me that not only will you not get angry at him for dropping a deuce on the ivory shag but youll blame the man-human for poorly strapping the white crap sack around Holdens waist. And it wouldve never occurred to me to barf on you while you were holding me, but after you laughed as Holden spewed intestine-curdled milk onto your blouse, I figured I might as well add a little backyard-grass puke to the outfit.

Im just saying a bit of drool isnt really that bad in comparison.

Love,

Big Sis Tess

Name: Holden the Human and Tess the Cat

Re: Romeo and Drooliet

Dear Night-blind Biped,

When I got you as a human, I thought there was an implicit agreement that those huge hands were for opening doors, windows, cans of food, and petting me at the times I can tolerate your apelike appearance and odor. Instead, you think those thumbs are for pretending to be some feline optometrist. I dont need glasses to see that its after 2 p.m. and you still havent made your bed. Exactly what part of my vision were you hoping to fix? All these glasses do is magnify how poorly you use your free time. You do know that while my eyes may not be able to see colors the way yours do, my superior night vision clearly notices every gigantic spider that crawls across your head while you sleep. Id help catch them, but Im sure you can see why I wont give you a hand.

Enjoy your rash,

Leila

Name: Leila

Re: Now you also look dumb from a distance

Dear Judges,

I know that if I practice day and night, I can become a superstar singing kitty and one day be the lead howler of Meowtallica. From my first memories as a tail-chaser, Ive known the power of my voice to arouse emotion. Usually its the anger and annoyance of people trying to sleep, but it still helps humans connect with their feelings and throw pillows at me from across the room. I dont want kitty stardom for my furry face alone. My poor human works so hard, and shes gone all day. Once I become a big cat rock star, she can stay home and admire my incessant howling as she shoos groupie cats from off of the backyard fence.

If singing doesnt work, Im also a very evocative dancermy favorite number being a samba across my humans head as she sleeps.

Its a gift,

Luna