Greenberg - Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed

Name: Hendrix

Age: 3 Years

Re: Stand back, my liege, the red dot attacks

My Lady,

Since domestic kitties shredded their first rolls of ancient Egyptian toilet papyrus, we have earned our keep by ridding homes of pests. We have banished mice from barns and feather dusters from tables. We have scoured windowsills for half-dead flies, terrorized untied shoelaces, and even made our force known to the tails of sleeping puppy dogs. And now, my human, allow me to protect you from the latest scourge: red laser dots.

We do not know where these red dots come from. Some suspect they live in a penlike object. Thats why kitties knock all pens off countertopsto stop the red dot menace before it starts. And we know they make you nervous, because every time they appear and we swat them, you laugh.

But never fear; I will fight the red dot whenever it appears, even if it leads me right into a wall and I bump my head.

Love,

Hendrix

Name: Tippy

Age: 5 Months

Re: Tippy has two mommies

Dear Two-legged Mommy with No Tail,

I know that its wrong to purr for one parent more than another, but you could learn a few things from Furry Mommy. First of all, Furry Mommy never shoos me off her bed. But you hog your big bed all to yourselfand you dont even have your name embroidered on it. And when I do try to climb back onto your bed, rather than throw me off like you do, Furry Mommy climbs up with me if youre not looking. Furry Mommy also understands the importance of having dinner together as a family. Any time you refill my bowl, Furry Mommy runs right up and eats my cat food with me. But you eat alone at the kitchen table. When I try to jump up to join you, you say, Get down, Tippy! Furry Mommy lets me bite her ears, and she likes to play chase. All you like to do is take pictures of me wearing baby bonnets.

But you do make the food appear, and even as a kitty I understand that someone has to wear the pants in this family. The last time you tried to put pants on Furry Mommy, she whined and shook her legs til the pants fell off.

Love,

Tippy

Name: Dakota

Age: 8 Years

Re: Dont wake me! Im dreaming of new places to sleep

Dear Insomniac,

I totally know what you mean when you say its hard to get a good nights sleep (especially with me purring in your ear). I mean, the only places I can really get any rest are the wheel wells of cars, flowerpots, the neighbors doghouse, the toaster oven if left open, most backpacks, underneath a lawn mower, a dry sink, a warm backyard fence, sock drawers, that bag you keep your wedding dress in, an evacuated underground bees nest, an old suitcase, the branches of a Christmas tree, this banister, or any flat surface. Its torture.

Love,

Dakota

Name: Ili

Age: 3 Years

Re: I hope theres no MSGit makes my tongue feel sandpapery

Dear Kitty Restaurant Owner,

Let me begin my review of your establishment by complimenting you on the cat-friendly atmosphere. Most restaurants pretentiously serve food on a table, and you can only get a taste when the human becomes distracted or gets up to use the potty. Ive even been thrown off a table for checking the temperature of a dish with my tail! Its enough to make you feel like you werent allowed to eat from the same plate. But the way you dumped the food right on the floor made me feel like I was the only one who would be eating it.

The service was also very nice. Normally, when food is served, they say, Bon apptit. But when this food was dropped, you said, Son of a bitch!even though I saw no puppies.

As for the cat food itself, while I did like the pile of worms, I couldnt tell if they were savory chicken, beef, liver, or seafood flavor. And I was disappointed that the green things were not lizards. But they were covered in a yummy sauce, so I was able to lick them at least.

All in all, I thought it was a nice dining experience. The only major recommendation is that the server shouldve also dropped a fortune cookie at the end of the meal, so that Id have something to bat around.

Love,

Ili

Name: Loli

Age: 10 Years

Re: Im the only father hes ever known

Dear Adoption Lawyer,

Theodora and I have been together for as far back as I can remember, which, if cat memory serves me correctly, is about sixteen hours. Where did we meet? I know its going to sound clich, but we met onlineby which I mean we were lying on the bed. When our eyes met, we just stared at each othershe was so taken by me that she never even blinked. Junior was also there, but hed fallen over. I strolled up, sniffed her, and groomed her ear. She was speechless. Luckily, I happen to be into the soft, silent type.

Theodoras not that affectionate, but I know she loves me. And she is not possessive at all. She never asks me where Ive been, or why I smell like goldfish. And Junior? Ive never met a better-behaved kitten in all my life. Thats why Id like to adopt him. I know his mother wants him to have a stable male influenceand you cant get more stable than always landing on your feet.

Love,

Loli

Name: Blixa, Tiramisu, and Zabaglione

Age: 3 Months

Re: Dont adopt us just because you miss your grandfather

Dear Potential Purchaser of Many Cotton Swabs,

We know its adoption day, and youre here to take one of us home. Thats why you keep staring. Its okay, we know youve never seen anything quite as beautiful as Sphynx kitties. Most people find us so stunning, they cant even believe were cats. Believe it or not, some humans are jealous, and refuse to admit how cute we are. They call us meowing rats! But dont let the deep wrinkes on our foreheads fool youwere not worried. We know were special. And once people have us around their house for a while, theyll see that were nothing to sneeze at. Mostly because were hypoallergenic.