Greenberg - Sorry I pooped in your shoe: (and other heartwarming letters from doggie)

Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe copyright 2011 by Jeremy Greenberg. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC
an Andrews McMeel Universal company
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E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-1399-6
Library of Congress Control Number: 2011926184

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I couldnt help but notice you running around the house frantically looking for one of your $200 running shoes. Perhaps I can be of assistance. I smelled, er, uh, saw the shoe buried under my dog toys. In situations like these, its best not to ask questions and just be thankful to have the shoe back. Unfortunately, I cant guarantee its condition. When shoes that smell so scrumptiously like Pack Leaders feet are abducted, they often have some bite or chew marks. If you find that the shoe is damaged beyond use, I will graciously accept it as my reward for returning it to you.

Love,
Sukie

Thank you for throwing this ball into the lake! I love retrieving it almost as much as I love shaking frigid lake water all over you afterward. And even though its not a duck, I will still enjoy sneaking it into the house later to rip off its fuzz.

Some doggies have to learn to swim, but I was bred to retrieve. So if you ever get bored, just know that in addition to fetching a tennis ball from a lake, I will gladly dive for rubber rings in a swimming pool, fetch stones out of the ocean, snatch the babys bath toys from the tub, and even remove those big, funny goldfish from the neighbors little pond.

Love,
Samson

What is that thing with four legs that just walked by us on the ground? It smelled like another doggie, but that cant beit wasnt being carried around in a leather purse. Is it true that some doggies arent allowed to go on airplanes? What about the rumor that not all doggies eat standing on a dining room table? That sounds too impossible to be true. And please tell me those stories about doggies who pull people through the snow are just tales told to puppies at night before they go to sleep on their pillow-top mattress doggie beds. I mean, humans pulling doggies makes sense. You carry me everywhere. But a doggie hauling around humans? Do you know how big of a purse youd need?

Love,
Gandalf

First of all, I respect you as I respect all great adversaries. Sprinkler Head is second only to Vacuum Cleaner in terms of ferocity. No matter how hard Jewel bites Sprinkler Heads stream of water, Sprinkler Head keeps turning and sprinkling. My pack leader says Im a dumb doggie, that Jewel can never figure out Sprinkler Heads tactics. But she underestimates Sprinkler Head. Im always surprised when Sprinkler Head pops out of the ground. Sprinkler Head waits till Im stuck in crouching potty position, knows Im vulnerable for attack, then pops out of the ground and Sprinkler Head does business on Jewel while Jewel does business on lawn.

But were not finished, Sprinkler Head. One day I will bite your stream of water just right and you will shut off and retreat, knowing that Jewel has victoriously defended herself against an irrigation system.

Your worthy opponent,
Jewel

Why am I so grumpy? Because despite my name clearly being Mr. P Nut, just as it says on my tag, you and the rest of the pack repeatedly laugh as you call me Mr. P-Diddy Dingleberry, Nutsy-P Nutter, Mr. Pee-pee Nut, The Vet Cut Off His P Nuts, Mr. P Nuts and Popcorn, Mr. P Has Gone Nuts, and perhaps the worst of all, Mr. Allergic to P Nuts. You know I love you, Pack Leader, but think about how youd feel if instead of calling you Marsha I called you Swamp Marsha, Drain the Marsha, or Damp Marsha? Youd be sitting on the grass making an adorably grumpy face as well.

My great granpaw, the original Mr. P Nut (who spelled it Peaznutten until he went through Ellis Island) came to this country in search of a better dog park. And I am proud to have the Mr. P Nut name.

I understand you cant undo years of calling me names like
Mr. P Nutty Nutcracker overnight. But if you ask me if I want a cookie, I think that we can start the healing process.

Love,
Mr. P Nut the Third, Esq.

Even though Im a little puppy, I know my manners. If someones kind enough to pour you a glass of red stuff, you should drink it.
Normally German shepherds arent into red drink, but I know humans have it all the time, so it would be rude of me not to at least taste it. So far Ive tasted down to the length of my tongue. I left the rest for you, because I know its nice to share.

If you want to go back in the kitchen and get me a, how do you say, sandwich, I will politely sample that as well.

Love,
Kellan

Just because Im happy-go-lucky by nature doesnt mean I dont have feelings. Piggy told me that you said you thought I was cuter as a puppy. Well, Im sure there are people who thought you were cuter when you were younger. But if I was your puppy back then, I wouldnt say mean things about you if you suddenly grew a fatty tumor on your hind leg, or only had eyebrows over one eyeball. I could look past your mangy appearance and see your inner beauty.

This has made me so sad that Piggy and I are refusing to get out of bed this morning. I know you have to go to work, but you really hurt my feelings. Its not like youre a spring chicken (or Id eat youspring chicken is Marleys favorite flavor of dog food).