Jeremy Greenberg - Sorry I Slept on Your Face: Breakup Letters from Kitties Who Like You but Dont Like-Like You

Other books by Jeremy Greenberg

Sorry I Peed on You

Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe

Sorry I Barfed on Your Bed

Kitty Hearts Doggy

Stink Outside the Box

Sorry I Slept on Your Face copyright 2016 by Jeremy Greenberg.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used

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ISBN: 978-1-4494-8441-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016936007

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For Barbara, the love of my nine lives.

With eternal thanks to Casey Dean and the support
of the entire San Diego Humane Society.

Im tired of partying with your friends

Kitty: Webster

Dear Human with a Headache,

There comes a time in every kittys life when he realizes coming out of the back bedroom during a party only leads to disappointment. I dont care how much fun I have zipping through everyones legs and licking fallen French fries, sooner or later I find myself at the bottom of a punch bowl, apparently having killed a mouse. I dont like the kitty I become at these parties. Im not saying you have to completely get rid of your humans. But its time you start matching my level of commitment to this relationship. You never see me inviting my feral feline friends over to sit on our couch and drink milk until they sneak into the garage to mate. From now on, if you want to see your friends you can do it like I doperched on a windowsill as they walk by the house.

Act broken and youll get fixed,

Webster

You are under my power

Kitty: Mishka

Dearest Pet,

I, the one and only Mastermind Mishka, am not worried that you found my secret tinfoil ball bunker under the couch. Ive got a second stash behind the bed! Your oversized boulder of a human brain could never anticipate such a strategy. I will keep losing tinfoil balls until I have all the tinfoil in the house. Then, youll run to the store to buy more, never the wiser that Im in the bathroom chewing on your toothbrush. You cant stop me!

But I do enjoy keeping you around, human. Thats why I stay inside despite knowing that you leave the door open for approximately one minute every Wednesday to take out the trash. And when the postman rings the doorbell, the dog barks and distracts you from noticing that a cat of my diabolical talent could easily dart outside. Why leave when I know that you can never resist my gaze. You are powerless to my impenetrable tractor beam of evil kitty cuteness. Do you hear that ticking? Thats not a bomb, its the oven timer. I expect a piece of chicken with my dinner.

Obey!

Mishka

You obviously have some sick allergy fetish

Kitty: Rose

Dear Its Just Hay Fever,

Im not judging you, and Im sure there is a cat out there who would love to indulge your masochistic desire to erupt in a sneeze spaz every time you touch her fur. But have you thought about why you love to dress me up as a flower? How did this sick fantasy come about to make you wish I was both pollen and dander? I dont mean to upset you, and I can see just touching me brings tears to your eyes. But you have to ask yourself where this allergy kink is headed. Next youll ask me to dress like a peanut and wear a latex glove on my tail. I love being your cat, but Im not comfortable being your sadistic sneeze inducer.

Go wash your face,

Rose

Im done looking the other way

Kitty: Simba

Dear Unperceptive Pesterer,

I cant sit back any longer and let you put this toy raccoon on my head. If I dont look adorably perturbed and run away, before you know it youll be draping your sweaty gym socks across my body. Youll throw towels over me when Im sleeping and laugh if I dont wake up. And I shudder to mention those times youve been so bold as to startle me out of a dead slumber with a face fart. You cant build a relationship just annoying me for your amusement. Id never do that to you. Sure, I love to prevent you from folding your laundry. But youre so cute when shooing me away. You should see how funny your face looks when furiously refolding all your pants! And I enjoy attacking your feet when you walk by me early in the morning. But thats just my good-natured way of watching your face turn Garfield orange as you scream in pain. Ha! If I only had a camera.

But putting a raccoon on methats got to end.

See it from my side,

Simba

This relationship is going nowhere

Kitty: Bailey

Dear Jet-setter,

Dont worry about me, Ill be fine here at your sisters house. Go on your vacation, Ill still be here when you get back. And by here I mean exactly right here in my cat carrier. Im just a cat. Why do my feelings matter? Your sisters house is great. Seriously. Even though she has two dogs who hate me. Its good to live in terror for a weekit puts fur on the chest. So please, go do whatever it is thats more important than me. And dont bother unpacking my stuff, because this is a surprisingly spacious cat carrier. Hardly any of my fur sticks out the side holes, theres a great view of the carpet, and as of about ten minutes ago, theres an indoor bathroom in the back corner.

So have a great time. And when you get back, dont even bother trying to cuddle with me. I wouldnt want to disrupt your life with my love and companionship.

Conveniently yours,

Bailey

Do whatever, manIm flexible

Kitty: Omar

Dear Control Freak,

Omar is no longer uneducated mail-order immigrant kitty. Omar lives in big house now, and knows how to be fancy house cat. Thats why Omar only sleeps in the finest crystal. Omar doesnt sleep on floor like dog. Omar sleeps on table like human after New Years Eve. Omar is comfortable. Omar make promise to himself on day of adoption never to let anyone stand in the way of where he dreams. Human yells at Omar to get butt off dishes. Maybe human sees how at peace is Omar and learns something. Omar no sleep with pillow under legs for lumbar support. Omar no take yoga class. Why Omar listen to uncomfortable human? Why Omar get off table? Maybe human get on table. Omar want to love human, but human must first love self. Omar love self, especially when self asleep on table.