Jeremy Greenberg - Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide

7. Showing Up Already Drunk or High
(When Is It a Good Idea, and When Is It Absolutely Necessary?)

The family is the association established by nature for the supply of mans everyday wants.

ARISTOTLE

J udging by the above quote, its clear that Aristotle didnt have to spend Thanksgiving listening to self-righteous Aunt Margaret tell him that giving kids tap water is equal to child abuse. He didnt have some stuck-up sister telling his wife that her kids would get a better education playing in a junkyard than attending Montessori school.

If Aristotle had a mother-in-law who spent every family gathering slurping Chardonnay until she felt comfortable enough to call her husband a bastard, he wouldve recognized that the only wants our families fulfill are those of wishing our mom would finally share her recipe for peanut butter-Valium cookiesor at least make some for herself. Sure, our families supply our wants, if we count wanting to fake our own death rather than sit through yet another cousins combination wedding/baby shower/high school graduation. Aristotle wouldve realized what many of us already know: seeing family sucks.

It doesnt mean we dont love our relatives. They just become annoying whenever we spend too much time with them. Holidays, weddings, family reunions, births, graduations and birthdays, Mothers and Fathers Day, and even funerals often become tests of endurance that would make climbing Everest seem like a walk in the park (provided that park is littered with fingertips and old ski goggles). Whats needed is a tool for laughing off these annoyances, dealing with these crazy people, and having fun in the process. Whats needed is Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide.

The Guide is a collection of tips, tricks, games, and other helpful stuff to help you get through your upcoming family gathering. In addition to surviving major events, youll learn how to move back in with your parents if youre no longer a kid, and how to kick your kids ass back out of the house if youre a parent. Youll learn how to deal with pubescent and menopausal relativeswithout the use of teargas. Youll discover the proper technique for a good Mothers Day or Fathers Day guilt trip. And for kids of the guilt dealers, youll find out how not to get suckered.

And just wait till you get to all the fun stuff in the divorce section, and the techniques for handling such insanities as fistfights and meltdowns! Unless you were born in a lab and then raised on the moon, youve got to read this book. Heres how:

1. Begin by procrastinating. After youve bought the book, dont read it. Set it next to all your other well-intentioned projects, like that half-knit baby blanket for the birth of your niece, whos now in seventh grade. Let the book sit somewhere and fester with the rest of your procrastinations, until you look up at the calendar and say, Oh my god! In three days, Ill be face-to-face with the uncle who always tells me that I remind him of a cheerleader he dated in high school. (If youre a guy, thats particularly alarming.) Youll know youre ready to read the book when you wake up in a cold sweat at the thought of having to politely refuse your stoner cousins plea to help him invest in a Quiznos franchise. Youll have a knot in your stomach the size of Grandma Hanfords benign leg tumor. This book, your new best friend, will untie that knot for good.

2. Determine how much time you have. If youre stuck in an airport or the waiting room of the free clinic, or youve just lost your job because of some new policy about hand washing, then you have time to read the entire book front to back.

   If you only have a few minutes before coming face-to-face with the reasons you moved to another part of the country, then go directly to the survival tips located at the end of each chapter. These are like inspirational quotes youd find in a self-help bookexcept the demons they help you face are probably waiting to be picked up at the airport.

   In addition to the survival tips, another great solution for those short on time is to turn directly to the chapter that addresses what you expect will be your greatest challenge. For example, if you shudder at the thought of seeing that professor brother-in-law who considers the family reunion the perfect opportunity to make your SUV-driving relatives feel like monsters, turn to the chapter called Red- and Blue-Staters (What to Do When the Two Americas Show Up at the Same Family Reunion). With just a quick read, youll have the tools and confidence to slide away from debates about tax incentives for people who keep their cholesterol down, and go eat a fifth hamburger instead. Or lets say youd like to know how to get through the holidays without having to wash a single dish. Turn to the chapter called Dish Dtente and find everything you need for peacefully passing the buck.

Here are a few particularly great times and places in which to read this book:

Read this book while breastfeeding. If you have breasts or know someone who does, reading this book while lactating will fortify your milk with knowledge. The child suckling your udder is guaranteed to grow up to become a prominent member of society like a doctor, lawyer, or gangster rapper.

Read this book while going to the bathroom. Putting something in your mind while removing something from your body maintains equilibrium.

Read this book while driving. Its very dangerous to be on a cell phone while driving, so pick up a book instead. And if you cause an accident, at least no one can call you an idiot. After all, you were reading.