Dais - The sh!t no one tells you about toddlers: a guide to surviving the toddler years

THE SH!T NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT TODDLERS

Copyright 2015 Dawn Dais

Seal Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California

sealpress.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-58005-590-1

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Kimberly Glyder

Interior design by Megan Jones Design

Illustrations by Dawn Dais

Photo Vivian and Daniel on page v Dan Hood Photography

Printed in the United States of America

Distributed by Publishers Group West

To Vivian and Daniel, for always providing content

W ELCOME (BACK), DEAR readers! When we last spoke you were up to your eyeballs in the joys of new parenthood (joy smells a lot like spit-up and pureed peas, it turns out). In my last book, The Sh!t No One Tells You: A Guide to Surviving Your Babys First Year, I helped new parents through the first year with their babies. In that book I implied that kids got easier after their first year. Dear readers, that was a lie.

In my defense, when I wrote that book I was in possession of only one eighteen-month-old child, who had not yet fully embraced her Wrath of the Toddler. I had no idea what wonders still awaited me on this parenting adventure. I apologize that I didnt warn you sooner.

The Wrath of the Toddler is most commonly associated with the Terrible Twos but, and this is fantastic news, the actual terrible time can extend well before and after that one magical year. Im sorry to be the one to break this to you.

The word toddler is derived from how the child looks when he or she first enters this timetoddling away. It all starts so adorably, doesnt it? Most parents are excited when their kid starts toddling, because walking seems to mark an end of babyhood and the beginning of the exciting kid years. And those parents are right: it is exciting to see your little blob of baby slowly start to become a real live person.

But just as you are celebrating your survival of Baby Days by purging all things breastfeeding and binky, your sweet child is quietly becoming possessed by the devil. Or, as some like to call it, becoming a real live person. You forgot that most real live people are a-holes, didnt you? You really should have taken that into greater consideration before you went and acquired one of your own.

While this baby of yours spent those first months clinging to you with every tiny fiber of might, the toddler years are the beginning of the decades-long journey to independence. This can be hard on both children and parents because it marks such a change in your overall dynamic. I remember in the case of my son that he seemed to literally become a different kid right around the time he started walking. Which meant I all of a sudden had to recalibrate how to be his parent.

Like many a toddler who toddled before him, my Daniel was delighted to discover the joys of standing upright and couldnt wait to see how far this new skill could take him. Unfortunately for his poor bruised head, he had to learn the hard way that his body wasnt quite able to keep up with his ambition.

This is where I have found most of the Wrath of the Toddler occurs, in the frustration tots feel from not being able to expedite that independence as fast as their little brains want to. Theres frustration in store for the parent as well, because one minute youre marveling at how big your little baby is getting and the next minute youre wondering how it is scientifically possible for one (tiny) human being to access such a range of emotions in the span of thirty-five seconds. Holy mood swings, Batman.

Ive found a few things to be really helpful in trying to wrap my mind around the toddler years. The first and most important thing I constantly remind myself is that, although my toddlers are getting bigger, they are still essentially just monkeys in cute clothes (which also explains why they always want to take their clothes off). Until said children can speak rationally to me, wipe their own butts, and sit through an entire meal without feeling overcome with the urge to throw their plates, I do not consider them actual human children.

It may sound mean to compare children to monkeys (because monkeys seem really sweet), but I promise you this mindset will help bring everything into focus. It will help explain the childs lack of communication skills (pointing and screaming is textbook monkey) and baffling behavior (feral primates would also be endlessly entertained by sporting Tupperware on their heads). Most important, this truth keeps your reflexes sharp, as everyone knows it can get ugly when monkeys start throwing things.

If you ever get confused about where your child falls on the journey to becoming an Actual Human Child, Ive outlined the progression below:

Blob Smiling Blob Monkey Angry Monkey Actual Human Child

Its just science, really.

Once youve accepted that youre living with a monkey you can also implement my second helpful tip. This tip is to always treat your monkey as though it is armed and very dangerous. Make no sudden movements. Proceed with caution. And for the love of God, dont go cutting any food in any manner unless youve confirmed with the monkey at least seven times that the cut is indeed desired. Even then, always be on high alert following any and all food alteration.

My third tip for surviving the toddler years is to look for those handy carrying cases at the store that offer you a discount if you buy six bottles of wine at once. Thats part of the science as well.

My fourth tip is to find other moms who are dealing with their own moody monkeys. They will offer you support, humor, ideas, and most likely, some of their wine. Mom friends are the best.

To help you along with my fourth tip Ive once again enlisted the help of some of my mom friends to share their advice and stories about surviving the toddler years. They are my Moms on the Front Lines, and youll be hearing from them throughout the book. They are the soldiers out there fighting the good fight as we all try to somehow turn these little monkeys into respectable members of society. And by respectable members we mean members who dont regularly throw themselves onto the floor in public. We like to keep our missions attainable, you see.