Dais - The Sh!t No One Tells You

THE SH!T NO ONE TELLS YOU

The Sh!t No One Tells You

A Guide to Surviving Your Baby's First Year

Copyright 2013 Dawn Dais

Seal Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

1700 Fourth Street

Berkeley, California 94710

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Dais, Dawn.

The sh!t no one tells you : a 52-week guide to surviving your baby's first year/by Dawn Dais.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-58005-485-0

1. Motherhood--Humor. 2. Infants--Humor. 3. Child rearing--Humor. I. Title.

HQ759.D245 2013

808.87--dc23

2012046279

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Kimberly Glyder

Interior design by Megan Jones

Interior illustrations by Dawn Dais

Distributed by Publishers Group West

To Vivian, who has kicked my ass and stolen my heart

A T SOME POINT during the first few weeks with their new bundle of joy, every parent will most likely utter/scream/sigh/cry out into the night, I had no idea it was going to be this hard! This is because a vast conspiracy exists to hide the truth from all who have yet to bring home a baby, for fear that if the truth were to get out, people would (1) stop having babies, or (2) stop bringing them home. I am here to end that silence. And replace it with a lot of bitching.

Before I had a baby I would see those Johnson & Johnson commercials where a mom is gleefully giving her perfect and beautiful smiling baby a bath in the sink. Splashing and giggles ensue. The tagline for the commercial is Having a baby changes everything. I used to well up with emotion when I watched that commercial, knowing that when I had a baby she would change everything, too. And by changes everything, I thought they meant changes the things you clean in the sink. Turns out by everything, they actually mean everything, as in your entire lifewe are not joking.

Now that I have a child, I believe their point would have been better conveyed if the baby were screaming at the top of his lungs in the sink while a mom with alarmingly dark circles under her eyes stared off into the distance blankly, unaware that the water from the sink was being emptied onto the floor by her splash-happy child. I get welled up with emotion just thinking of that scenario.

Dont get me wrongI love my child deeper than I ever thought I had the capacity to, but its not all giggles and playful splashing. I actually think the most difficult part of new parenting is the conflicting emotions you feel, and your fear of even acknowledging those different emotions, let alone sharing them. I planned and prayed for my baby for years before she arrived. When I found out I was pregnant I was ecstatic. Holding her for the first time was unreal. But then we got her home and the day-to-day realities of caring for a newborn started to sink in. This is when I started thinking, I had no idea it was going to be this hard.

I felt guilty that I wasnt loving every second and that I didnt look or feel anything like I thought an ecstatic new mother should. Of course, I had expected it to be hard, but somehow not this hard. I blame my lack of information on my friends who had children before me. When I told them I was pregnant all I heard was Congrats! and Yippee!! Never did any of them say, Hold on to your fn hat. Shits about to get real. Sure, it would have been the first time any of them had ever said, Shits about to get real, but I feel like it would have been the perfect time to christen the phrase.

Instead, I went blindly into parenthood, with no idea of what was coming my way. It was months before I really talked to anyone about how overwhelmed I was. Up until that point I was a little ashamed that I would essentially be complaining about having the healthy baby I had dreamt of for so many years. But when I finally started talking to other moms, they all agreed without hesitation that having a new baby is ridiculously hard. They would then instantly start bombarding me with tales of their own struggles. This gave me comfort, but mostly it pissed me off. How come you didnt warn me about any of this??!!!

So that is what Ive set out to do with this book. Warn you about all the shit no one is telling you. My intention is not to frighten you or to scare you off having children. My hope is to give you what I didnt have: the ability to say, I am not the only parent in the history of the planet to have their asses handed to them by something they could fit in a purse. Knowing you are not alone actually helps a little. Trust me, misery does love company, especially during 3:00 am feeding sessions.

To add to your company, Ive enlisted the help of a few of my mom friends to share their stories as well. I call them my Moms on the Front Lines because they are reporting live from the battlefields of parenting. Theyve built up heavy armor over the years and gotten quick at dodging land mines. They have come here to share with you their inspiring tales of survival. (None of them have teenagers, however, so I can make no long-term guarantees for their well-being.)

Not long ago a series of web videos made the rounds giving encouragement to gay youth that It Gets Better. The Sh!t No One Tells You, with its honest advice and stories from the front lines, is an It Gets Better book for new parents. As you navigate the challenging first year with a new baby, we will be here to encourage you (and bitch with you, of course).

Go ahead. Stumble through the first year of sleepless nights and poop-filled days, and carry this book with you often (preferably keeping it a safe distance away from the poop, if at all , Remember Your Memory?, for more info on this subject), youll be able to read the book seven or eight times before actually realizing youre finished! So many good times ahead for you.

So lets head out on this parenting adventure together, shall we? There will be ups, downs, tears, and vomit. And thats just the childbirth. Because, as I warned you before, shits about to get real...

T HERE IS NO one right way to do anything when it comes to parenting, which is one of the most frustrating things about parenting. What works for your best friend and her child might not work for you (and honestly, probably works only about 75 percent of the time for your best friend). Although Im the one writing a book about parenting, with only one eighteen-monthold child to my credit by the time I finished it, I know there are a lot of other opinions and stories out there to be told.

Thats where my Moms on the Front Lines come in, referred to collectively throughout the book as my MOFLs. Ive known all these women for years and asked them if they would contribute to this book. I hoped to get a little insight into different parenting styles, struggles, and stories. They gave me more than I could have ever hoped for.

While all our families and situations are a little different, the MOFLs have a lot of things in common. We all love our kids to pieces, we have a sense of humor about life in general, and none of us have any idea how and when we became grown-ups who have been left responsible for small children. Its troubling, to say the least.

Before we get started, I wanted to introduce you to my moms, with some of their stats (age, age of kids, years married, plans for more kids), so you know who the players are.