Posehn - Forever nerdy: living my dorky dreams and staying metal

Hello reader, how are you? I bet no one has ever asked you that from a thing you were reading. I am different. Im nice. I was raised right. Mostly. You have questions: Hey Brian Posehn, why are you writing a book? and Hey Brian Posehn, who the fuck are you? Okay, maybe you should have flipped those questions. Lets start with Who the fuck are you? And by the way, are you always so rude to writers? Who am I? What am I known for? You ask a lot of questions maybe you dont have to be a dick about it or if youre a lady, the lady version of a dick.

Im a mildly successful, not so widely known stand-up comic, writer, and actor and full-blown nerd. And by full-blown nerd, I mean Im obsessed with a bunch of cool stuff that dumb people think is uncool, like comics, Dungeons & Dragons, action and horror movies, and HEAVY FUCKING METAL. Ive been doing stand-up most of my life. Ive written movies, TV, comic books, and a classic underground sketch show twice. Im mostly known for playing weirdos and half-wits in sitcoms. In my stand-up act Im known for talking about nerdiness, heavy metal, and my penis. And my balls. I think Ive written way more jokes about my balls than my penis. But whos counting?

To answer your second question: Why a book? Um. Easy. Every comedian writes a book now. Comics with way less stage time than me are cobbling their stories and Twitter musings into books all over the Kindle versethats a thing, right? And if you must know, I recently received a message from the President of Showbiz telling me it was actually my turn to write a book. A lot of people dont know that the President of Showbiz is Tori Spelling. You would think it was someone with a better career or a grizzled old producer or ex-studio head who has seen everything. But nope, thats not how showbiz works.

Anyway, TI call her Tanyway, T said, Posehnshe calls me Posehnshe said, Posehn, pull your giant bird-faced noggin out of your old, stretched-out butthole and write a fucking book, you stupid, sad dick-knob. I hope that didnt shock your delicate sensibilities. I wasnt offended at allits how T and I talk to each other. I said, Fuck you, you lucky, lizard-face dullard, and then, Yes, I will write a book and pay one of your ex-nannies to cram it up your cob-webbed you-know-where. She typed back, LOL, fuck you That was a year ago. And now you have my first book in your hands.

The other reason Im writing a book is I like them. Actually, I love them. I know, what a weirdo. Thats me, a fucking book-loving weirdo. Ive always been entertained by autobiographies. I love reading about the details of a performer or artists life in their voice and in their own words.

And thirdly, over the years, whenever Ive known someone well and long enough to talk about our childhoods (after five minutes if whiskey is involved), people have reacted with shock and laughs at some of the shit Ive been through during my fifty-plus years as a metal nerd. Yeah, I did see a ton of car accidents on my paper route when I was twelve, and maybe I did think I was the son of Satan.

And Yes, my sophomore year of high school was the saddest eighties movie ever. I got beaten up by a girl, a special-ed kid and a fellow nerd who used to be my friend. Oh, and Yep, I lost my virginity at twenty-one to a twenty-eight-year-old woman I met at a comedy open-mic in a basement bar in Old Sacramento. Yep. Old Sac. Again, with the balls.

Plus, if youre actually reading this, you at least like books enough to be checking out a book from that guy from that show or that thing. At the very least, youre in a struggling Barnes and Noble perusing my book on the new nonfiction shelf. Now, put my book back and go use the shitter because we both know that is why youre really here. Back to my deflowering storywe did it in my shitty apartment because she still lived with her ex-husband. Oh yeah, ex-husband.

More about him in . Anyway, thats how the night ended. It started in the comedy club, but it really got started in the parking lot of a cop bar downtown an hour later. You always remember your first time, especially when your first time is with a divorced rocker chick who, while we were making out against a car, she yelled at a homeless guy to Get the fuck away from us, dude! Or is it divorced rocker chick whom? Either way, super classy. Not sure why I didnt marry her in Reno that night. My wife has heard some of these stories multiple times. Actually, that last story had some details missing when I told my wife. Those details will be revealed later, and Ill tell you a secret: it rhymes with premature ejaculation.