Shirtliffe - Dont lick the minivan, and other things I never thought Id say to my kids

Leanne Shirtliffe is awesome and so is this book. Im bad at writing blurbs.

Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), New York Times bestselling author of Lets Pretend This Never Happened

Toddler diarrhea and newborn vomit arent all that entertaining, but somehow when Leanne Shirtliffe writes about it, its laugh-out-loud funny. I swear, shes living in my house and taking notes. Actually, I wish she werewed have a freaking blast together.

Jill Smokler, New York Times bestselling author of
Confessions of a Scary Mommy

When you become a parent, conversations start to sound more like a game of Mad Libs than anything actually sane. In the laugh=out-loud book Dont Lick the Minivan, Leanne Shirtliffe shares the funniest phrases she never thought shed say. Hands down, the best book with the phrase He looks like a human Pez dispenser Ive read all year!

Kristen Pomranz, Editor, Nickelodeons NickMom.com

Leanne Shirtliffe has a sharp eye for the little moments of insanity that make up the modern parenting experience. Also, shes super funny and the chapters are short enough to read in the four minutes youre allowed in the bathroom each day.

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, bestselling author of
Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay and
Naptime Is the New Happy Hour

Forget about the darndest things that kids say, its what comes out of our own mouths when we become parents thats the real shocker. Leanne has a way of making us see the humor in the exchanges we have with our kids, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. Her quick and witty writing style is the perfect antidote for all moms suffering through lifes most unfunny moments with our kids.

Kathy Buckworth, author of Shut Up and Eat and The
BlackBerry Diaries

Leanne Shirtliffe has written a side-splitting and thoughtful take on life with twins. As a humor writer, a parent, and a twin myself, this book had me laughing and thinking, then laughing again, long after I finished it. If youre into public fits of hysterics, try reading this book on a subway or bus, and prepare for strange looks from fellow passengers.

Terry Fallis, author of The Best Laid Plans and
winner of both The Stephen Leacock Award for
Humour and Canada Reads 2011

Leanne Shirtliffe provides a heartfelt, honest, and hilarious journey through parenthood in this high-flying family love letter, cautionary how-to, and whats-got-to-be-a-pro-vasectomy screed. After achieving Zen through laughter, youll wish you were her, be glad youre not, and order two more shots.

Jeff Kreisler, writer for Comedy Central and
author of the bestselling Get Rich Cheating

From forgetting your kids... um... name, to packing an eco-friendly lunch (by de-plasticizing the individually wrapped cheese sticks at home), this book had me realizing: All us parents are partners in absurdity. And thats a good thing!

Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe
Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)

AND O THER T HINGS I N EVER T HOUGHT
I D S AY TO M Y K IDS

LEANNE SHIRTLIFFE

SKYHORSE PUBLISHING

Parts of this book have been taken or adapted from the authors blog, IronicMom.com.

Copyright 2013 by Leanne Shirtliffe

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, educational purposes, or Colin Firth groupies. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com.

Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc., a Delaware corporation.

Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Shirtliffe, Leanne.

Dont lick the minivan, and other things I never thought Id say to my kids /

Leanne Shirtliffe.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-62087-526-1 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Parenting--Humor. I.

Title.

PN6231.P2S55 2013

818.607--dc23

2012047599

Printed in the United States of America

For C and VW,

You three make me laugh like no one else.
Thank you.

For my childrens future therapist(s),
Youre welcome.

Having a baby is like suddenly

getting the worlds worst roommate,

like having Janis Joplin

with a bad hangover and PMS

come to stay with you.

~Anne Lamott

There are two things in life

for which we are

never truly prepared:

twins.

~Josh Billings

Dont Lick the Minivan is a work of nonfiction that my brain believed to be true when I wrote it. Keep in mind that this same brain once believed that alligators lived in toilet bowls on the Canadian Prairies.

If characters in Dont Lick the Minivan bear any similarities to my husband or twins, its not a coincidence. Some names have been changed, mostly in the Acknowledgments.

A small portion (think the size of a Polly Pocket purse before youre about to vacuum it up) of the content of this book appeared on my blog back when my mom and that guy in California were the only ones who read it regularly. An even smaller portion appeared on a friends blog.

Many nonfiction books start with a section entitled How to Use This Book; so does this one. Here are Ten (+ 1) Ways How to Use Dont Lick the Minivan:

1. Read it, especially after your kids have licked or carved their names into your minivan.

2. Use it as a paperweight for either your childs art projects or your unpaid bills.

3. If you hate saccharine reflections on how changed women are because of motherhood, skip The Sappy Files at the end of each chapter.

4. If you like saccharine reflections on how changed women are because of motherhood, read only The Sappy Files (dont worryyoull be done in five minutes so you can get back to scrapbooking your childs first and second bowel movements).

5. Throw this book at your husband if he tells you that you have the stats of an NFL football player. (Note: If you bought the e-reader version, disregard.)

6. If you have anxiety, insomnia, or depression, put the book down. Call a friend and your doctor. Once you assemble your team, feel free to read this book. Or not. I understand.

7. If youre thinking of having kids, skim the book. You might as well have a sense of whats in store for you, including how hard it is to pee after a C-section.

8. If youre debating scheduling a vasectomy, you might as well be sure. Skim the book, and then make the call.