Ward Steven - Invisible tears: the abuse, the rebellion, the survival despite all odds

Invisible Tears
Dedicated to my wonderful family and my amazing husband.
Chapter 1
12 November 1972 Sshhh, theyll hear you! An unfamiliar, female voice sounded angry as it wafted up the steps. There was a lot of whispering downstairs. I had no idea who she was, but from the edge in her voice, I knew she was frustrated.They probably thought we couldnt hear if they whispered, because we were supposed to be in our rooms not on the landing. Thirty or forty of them were crammed into our little two up two down semi-detached council house.I had no idea who these people were but they were dressed smartly. Most were wearing suits, some with flared trousers and long collars on flowery shirts, all very fashionable back in the 70s. There werent any children so I figured the party was for adults only.What about the kids? The same female voice rose above the rest. What kids? I wondered. She had a funny accent; it sang with tones going up and down the scales, a bit like Welsh or Irish. There was urgency in her voice that made me feel sorry for those unfortunate kids she was talking about.The familiar smell of tobacco floated upstairs. I loved that smell. It was mummys boyfriend who always smoked a pipe. He had been living here and taking care of us while mummy had been in hospital. I didnt hear his voice, just smelt him, so I knew he was there. I closed my eyes and breathed in that delicious aroma of cherry tobacco which permeated everything in the room.The party seemed in full flow downstairs with lots of food laid on and gentle music from Bobby Darin playing in the background. Mummy always liked his singing. She had most of his records and would often pick me up and swing me around while singing and dancing away to his songs.I was really annoyed we had to stay upstairs. Who are all these people, anyway? Anyone I know? I felt like I was missing out on the fun, hiding up here in my fluffy romper-suit pyjamas. I hoped we wouldnt get caught as we strained to see between the banisters.The brown and orange patterned wallpaper distracted me for a moment. I tried to remember how many patterns I had counted one night when I was sent to bed early. The loose bit of wallpaper low to the skirting board was too much to resist so I couldnt fight the urge. I had to pick away at it. The carpet was orange too, with a green swirly pattern going through. It was thick and fluffy and felt lovely between my toes. The curtains matched the green shades in the carpet but had a different pattern. I hated those curtains because they looked like someone vomited.Its not fair. Why dont us kids ever get to go to the parties? I asked my brother, Alex.Shut up Abbie, he chided. He was sulking too.Alex was eight, two years older than me, but he acted much older. The only other member of my immediate family was Pepsi, our black, pet miniature poodle. She was being a pain as usual, constantly bringing me her toy to throw and yipping until I did. I threw it into the bedroom in a hurry, because if the adults heard her, wed be in trouble.Shhhh. Pepsi. I cant hear.That same female voice shouted angrily, Then theyll have to come with me, for now.An older mans voice butted in, Theyll go into a kids home over my dead body! Theyre coming with me. And, by the way, where the hell is their father? Good point, I thought. Where the hell is my daddy? Havent seen him for weeks. I wouldnt have minded but he was only around the corner until a little while ago, and then he just disappeared. I heard someone say he had shacked up with mummys friend one street away. Alex and I had promised not to tell mummy, but we used to go and visit daddy there while we were playing with his friends kids. Molly, Debbie and Daniel were our friends, but now they had disappeared too.I had a really bad feeling in my tummy all day. I didnt know why, but I felt kind of sick and scared.When the adults argued, Alex started crying and ran to his bedroom. He never liked anyone to see him cry.I couldnt help but wonder who was going to look after me and my brother. I let go of the banister and ran after Alex to see what was wrong.He turned and asked, Do you think shes dead? He looked quite concerned with tears in his eyes.Its no good asking me, I shrugged. What on earth was he going on about? He was trying to talk to me, but it was difficult to understand him between sobs and gasps. I went back on the landing and strained to hear exactly what was going on. Then I ran back to Alexs room.Whos dead, Alex? Who? I was totally clueless while I stood in the doorway. I tried to listen to the soft voices from there but it was no use. What does dead mean? I knew mummy had been ill because we had visited her in hospital. She told me I was her Princess. Mummy loves you, I could still hear her say the words as her boyfriend took us out of the room. We never got to go back and see her again because we had been sent to spend a few nights with some friends. I guess Id never realised how ill she was.It means shes d-e-a-d, dead, stupid. Shes never, ever coming back. Alex snapped.Who, Alex? I was getting annoyed.The enormity of what he said slammed my brain when the realisation finally hit home. I remember that scream inside my head, like it was yesterday. Im not sure if the noise came out, but it was like a never ending wail. Muuummy? Does he mean Mummy? I panicked. I cried so hard I couldnt even see through my tears.I shouted over and over, Mummy! Mummy! throwing myself on the floor in a crumpled heap. I grabbed the banisters and cried, Mummy! through the bars.A lady came running up the stairs and pried my fingers from the bars. She pulled me away from the banisters and hugged me so tight. I didnt know her name but I didnt want her to let go.It will be okay, sweetheart, she said in a calm and caring way. It will be okay. She stroked my hair and held me to her breast while my tears and dribble soaked her dark blue flowery dress. She didnt seem to mind. Wiping my runny nose on my pyjama sleeve, I saw Pepsi bring me her toy. She stood there waiting and tilting her head side to side, listening as she pawed at her toy. At first I thought she was trying to cheer me up, but as usual, she just wanted to play.It was then that I realized the kids all the people downstairs were talking about were us, me and Alex. Oh my, I thought, Mummys been buried and the wake is at our house.

* * *

It was a dark and scary journey through the night, and it seemed to go on forever. Travelling from Norfolk to somewhere up north in the early 70s was torture for a six-year-old, but losing my mother made me numb. All the way to Uncle Trevors house we sat in silence, not speaking for the entire journey. What do you say to complete strangers? I wondered. Thats who the people in the front of the car were to me, until they introduced themselves as relatives. We also didnt have a clue where they were taking us.We arrived at Uncle Trevors house somewhere in Manchester. I was relieved they had kids of their own. I will never forget walking into their living room. After all these years, it seems like yesterday. It looked very cosy and had a coal fire which lit the entire room with a warm orange glow. I could feel the heat from it standing in the doorway, but I thought it smelt awful. The smoke stayed in my throat when I breathed. Id rather have our old electric heater, I thought. It didnt smell so bad. I looked across the room and saw four kids, one boy, all of them wearing white night-dresses. I thought, Thats weird , and smiled and giggled to myself. We were offered a cup of Horlicks as the kids welcomed us into their home.We lived with them for several weeks. I have no real memories of the time we spent with them but Im sure they were kind to us. Actually Im not sure how long it was before daddy came. Its all a distant blur.People were saying our daddy had buggered off, not giving a toss about his kids. I didnt believe a word because daddy would never leave us. These people obviously didnt know my daddy, or they were from mummys side. Otherwise, they wouldnt be saying stuff like that.One day his long awaited arrival was announced with a shout at my Uncle, They are my kids and there is nothing you can do about it!I had the urge to run up and hug him because I hadnt seen my daddy for ages. But they both looked mad and the arguing held me back. I heard daddy explain that he had re-married and, as it later turned out, to my mummys friend, the one who lived one street away. She was the one who we had agreed to keep secret.You try and stop me! Daddy warned.The next thing I knew I was sitting in the back of his old Austin. I could smell the exhaust fumes coming in the back while I watched the world go by. Little did I know we were going to live with him and his new family, forever. Somehow, even though things were tough, knowing we were going to live with our old friends that had disappeared was really exciting.I waddled in a cradle of naivety. Daddy loves me, I thought. He came back, didnt he? I sat in the car feeling scared again. W here are we going? I was chuffed to bits that daddy finally found us, even if it had taken awhile. I lost my mummy, but at least I had my daddy back.Alex was always the daddys boy, and he was so happy for the first time in what seemed like years. But of course, it had only been weeks. Whatever happened to Pepsi? I wondered. She just disappeared a bit like we did. I asked daddy where Pepsi was several times, but it only annoyed him.We have a new dog now, daddy said sounding impatient. Its a Rough-Collie called Sunny.I want Pepsi, I said. Shes my dog. All of a sudden I was in tears again. Where is Pepsi? I wondered. Where is my dog, mummys dog? I thought daddy coming to get us would make everything all right again. I was so pleased to see him, nothing else should have mattered, but Pepsi was the only thing I remembered that mummy had loved.I didnt know why, but my tummy had a bad feeling.