Teasdale - The onion presents a book of jeans own!: all new wit, wisdom, and wackiness from the onions beloved humor columnist

You hold in your hands the first-ever humor-oriented offering of Onion Books, the publishing arm of Onion, Inc., the worlds largest media empire. Known for publishing volumes of reprints of its renowned newspaper parent, The Onion , and its venerable World Atlas, Onion Books is now making the plunge into fare of a more lighthearted sort. For its inaugural leap into the realm of rib-tickling, it has chosen, quite fittingly, Jean Teasdale, The Onions veteran humor and human-interest columnist.

What makes Jean so enchantingly unique is that, unlike most of us, she possesses a funny bone for a brain. And what a thick funny bone it is! For nearly two decades in The Onion s back pages, our resident comedienne has shown us that theres a lot to laugh at from everyday life, whether its being fired multiple times from minimum-wage jobs or being cursed with a cumbersomely huge body. Readers who love getting their regular Jean fix tell us that her columns are just the thing for when they need a reminder that their lives could be a lot worse.

Whether youre already a fan, or a first-time pilgrim to the Sage of Blossom Meadows Drive, we have no doubt that Jeans humorous adventures and observations will no doubt strike a chord amongst those who dont wish to have their existing worldview challenged.

To borrow Jeans personal motto, Keep smiling!

Judith Karst-Zweibel

President, Onion Books

Without crucial support and inspiration, the dream that was A Book of Jeans Own! would have never come true. I owe an enormous debt of gratitude to:

My two precious kitties, Priscilla and Garfield. You have given me countless hours of unconditional love and bottomless compassion. It is a great honor to be both your best friend and mommy.

My buddy Fulgencio, a longtime pal whose You go girl! exhortations of support have helped me in ways hell never know. He is literally an angel. No, really! Ive seen him wear a pair of angel wings when he goes on a night on the town with his male friends who like to wear dresses! Fulgencio is an F.O.J. (Friend of Jean!) of the highest order!

These following people and things, in no particular order: Kate Palmer, sunshine, Marc Resnick, chocolate!!, Dan Greenberg, bunnies noses, Julie Smith, love, David Reynolds, snuggles, Mike Loew, the smell of babies, Scott Dikkers, daisies, Joe Randazzo, the color pink, Carlos Yu, magic, Peter Serafinowicz, unicorns, Rick Martin, laughter, Rebecca Bengal, raw cookie dough, John Krewson, doilies, Dan Guterman, polyester (an essential building-block for stuffed animals), The Onion writing staff, bubbles, Jack Schneider, scented air fresheners, Danielle Gale, glitter, Andrew Block, and baby ducks. (By the way, dont read anything into the order. The color pink is not necessarily more important than Rebecca Bengal, for example!)

And I would be amiss if I didnt save the biggest thank-you of all to my Jeanketeers. I dont know your names, or just how many of you there are, but were it not for you, Id probably be stuck in some minimum-wage job somewhere. Actually, I still work in a minimum-wage job. I just wouldnt have my column, and my life would be much poorer for it. (Poorer in quality, not financially.)

Oh, all right, and I suppose I should thank my Hubby Rick Teasdale too, even though hes a great big grouch most of the time. But even I must admit that without the hubby, my column would lack a lot of spark. Then again, it would make more room for references to kitten whiskers!

Smoochies,

May 2010

Arent introductions awkward? Dont get me wrong; I love meeting people and making new friends. Im the type who will start up a conversation with a total stranger in a waiting room, a laundromat, an all-you-can-eat buffet, a movie theater, a juror roomyou name it! However, when it comes to written introductions, Im at a bit of a loss. For one thing, they stink! They sit there like bumps on a log and cry out to be skipped over. Intros just stall you from getting to all the fun action, the real meat of the book. Plus, they can be a real rhymes-with-witch to write! After all, how do I sum myself up in a few words, especially given the vast and colorful tapestry that has been my life?

Should I call myself an average, humble homemaker who lives at 1567 Blossom Meadows Drive, Apartment 4B? I could, but it would mean leaving so much out, because this homemaker has worn many hats in her day. Its true: If you live in my area, youve probably known me at various times as your supermarket cashier, your drugstore cashier, your liquor store cashier, your truck-stop waitress, your bowling-alley shoe booth clerk, your junior shampooist, your assistant florist-trainee, your soft-serve ice cream server, your advertising-flyer deliverer, your discount clothing-store sales associate, your indoor flea-market vendor, and your data-entry clerk. You may also know me as one of the Pamidas best customers. Or you may know me as the woman who dresses up in bunny ears every Easter and waves to cars from the balcony-porch of her apartment. For its true, I am all those things.

Im also known as the wife of a Mr. Richard Teasdale, better known to readers of my column as Hubby Rick. While I hold down the fort, Rick works full-time at a tire center. I guess you could call Rick my rock. Actually, Rolling Rock may be more accurate! Because he drinks a lot of beer, get it? (See how this is a humor book?) Rick and I have been together nearly twenty years, through thick and thin and good days and bad. I ask you, how many shotgun marriages can say the same? Sure, neither his dad nor my mom were thinking much about the long term when they caught us making whoopee in the back of Ricks rusted-out Chevy Luv in the Jewel parking lot all those years agothey just wanted to make an honest man out of him, at least until they could talk the church into an annulment. But I guess Rick and me are like two old shoesexcept Im a fuzzy slipper and Rick is a steel-toed boot! Whatever our differences, I cant imagine being with anyone else. It would take heaven and earth to pry this ring off my fingerwell, maybe just Dean Cain! (Hubba hubba!)

The hubby himself!

Sadly, I cant say that Im a Mommy Jean as well as a Wifey Jean. Personally, I think being a mother is the greatest job on earth (personal shopper is a close second). But somethings always been in the waynamely, our tummies!! Just kiddingwell, kind of. Ricks boys swim, theres no doubt about thatits just that they seem to prefer pickling in Coors than baking in my toasty little baby oven! Anyhow, never say nevertheres still plenty of ticking left in my biological clock!

The other grand passion of my life (it may be my only grand passion) is that delectably sweet, rich, brown food of the gods that has for so long served as my muse, savior, and midday snack: yep, none other than almighty chocolate! I shudder to think of a world without it. I love all kinds of yummy chocolate concoctions, many of my own invention! Ooey, Gooey Choco-Cocoa-Mocha-Mint Raspberry Cupcakes with Coconut-Caramel Icing, anyone? Then again, Im the type to get a contact high from a discarded Hersheys Kiss wrapper! With chocolate, who needs marijuana and cocaine? Actually, lots of people. Still, Ill take a chronic addiction to chocolate to a semi-truck full of OxyContin any day! (I am also extremely addicted to coffee.)