Magazine - The ultimate dos and donts

400 NEW JOKES FROM THE FUNNIEST MAGAZINE COLUMN TO EVER EXIST IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE

This digital edition first published by Canongate in 2011

Copyright Vice UK Ltd, 2011
The moral rights of the authors have been asserted

First published in Great Britain in 2011
by Canongate Books
14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and to obtain permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologises for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

Excerpts from the original Vice Guide to Everything originally published in v2n8, The DOs and DONTs Issue.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84767 970 3
eISBN 978 0 85786 043 9

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The first thing most people do when they pick up a copy of Vice is turn to the DOs & DONTs. Introduced into the magazine more than a decade ago as a way of fitting fashion into our pages, theyve become a mainstay of Vice, and one of our most popular reads.

By way of an introduction to this volume of the last five years of DOs & DONTs, two of Vices editors, Andy Capper and Thomas Morton, who between them have written many of the captions, discuss the enduring popularity of making fun of peoples clothes.

Andy Capper: How would you describe the DOs & DONTs to somebody whod never heard of them?

Thomas Morton: Pictures of people with funny captions about their pants, though I guess in the UK Id have to say trousers.

AC: Yeah, our reporters risk their lives venturing into some of the most dangerous places in the world, but all anyone cares about is when we make a joke about some unsuspecting persons tits.

TM: Its true, an insanely large number of people look at the DOs & DONTs. And there are definitely people out there who only know Vice through the DOs & DONTs and couldnt give a shit about what music we like or how Marina Abramovic prepared for her latest show.

They are immensely popular in spite of the standard charge of not being as good as they used to be, and mostly because pictures + caption is super-amenable to quick, cheap comedy. Plus its so easy to spend three hours just clicking through months of them online. At the same time, we try to put a little more effort into them than, Check out this twat in the sweater. What a loser, right?

AC: I always find I write the funnier ones when Im really hungover.

TM: I havent figured out when my funniest ones are. The ones I think are hilarious usually get pilloried in the comments. Then there are cast-offs that I put up for the weekend where people go ape-shit over a turn of phrase, or the fact that I called the person Carl. Its a mystery.

Having a tall friend is great in a fight, because he can come in and absorb all the punches. But having a tall friend whos also willing to absorb all the fag-bashing that leads to the punches is about as close as it gets to having your own personal stunt double.

G-Unit may have fallen off in record sales but at least theyre still out there hustling for that paper.

Isnt he supposed to have open sores on his face and a mongrel dog thats dying of starvation whimpering into a half empty bowl of cider? Hes like if Urban Outfitters did a line called Distressed Rancid.

Since the bogeyman retired, big sisters have been scaring their siblings with stories of the Sex Squad Man who is under your bed right now and cant wait to tickle you.

Oh, to be wheeled to the banks of the river Styx by an immaculately attired angel of death who smells like lilies and brimstone and softly murmurs songs of praise in a stately baritone.

We generally dont like twinks but this is kind of OK. Anyone who can mix Andrew Cunanan with My Own Private Idaho is at least worthy of a little...

What the fuck do these disgusting pieces of sugar-filled white garbage need Bluetooths for? So the TV can call them? HEY MOMWE R STILL IN PARKING LOTMARKS YAWNINGCAN WE GONEED TO GET BACK TO CONT. SHITTY LIVES.

Losing your leg at a Prodigy concert must be fucking harsh.

Your testicles have to get some fresh air once in a while. In fact, letting them run around the block in the snow is actually beneficial for sperm production. Dont forget to put a pair of sunglasses on them though. Balls have very sensitive eyes.