Susan Shapiro - The Forgiveness Tour

PRAISE FOR THE FORGIVENESS TOUR

Susan Shapiro mixes memoir, religion, psychology and journalism to tell amazing stories of forgiveness. The tales, ranging from uplifting to unsettling, are always riveting.

A.J. Jacobs, bestselling author of The Year of Living Biblically and Its All Relative

As a popular chronicler of bad habits and poor life decisions, Shapiro has found her best topic yet: how to confront the pain in your life caused by someone you believe owes you an apology. The Forgiveness Tours wide-ranging tales of true heartache and gripping confrontation show readers how to find what they need to finally heal from what has been hurting them. Smart, witty and inspirational.

Tom Reiss, Pulitzer Prize author of The Black Count

The Forgiveness Tour takes us on journeys to right unforgivable wrongs. Shapiro illuminates how we can heal from those who harmed us most. Powerful, intimate and profound.

Gabrielle Selz, author of Unstill Life

In her signature quick-witted, compulsively readable voice, Susan Shapiro explores forgiveness with honesty, humor and heart.

Erin Khar, author of Strung Out

Shapiro holds my eye and ear with urgency, compelling dialogue, and fresh insights into human behavior. I found The Forgiveness Tour hard to put down.

Grace Schulman, author of Strange Paradise and The Marble Bed

Copyright 2021 by Susan Shapiro

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Eyal Solomon

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-6271-8

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-6615-0

Printed in the United States of America

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Authors Note: Some names, dates, timelines, settings, and personal characteristics have been changed for literary cohesion and to protect privacy. In several cases, I went back to further interview subjects and added source material to elucidate the story.

Short excerpts of this work have appeared, in slightly different form, in The New York Times, Longreads, Salon, The Independent, Tablet, and The Revealer.

Dedication: To my father, Jack Shapiro

NOTE TO THE READER

My childhood rabbi once explained that on Yom Kippur, the saddest day of the Jewish calendar, sins made before God in the past year were mercifully erased, but not offenses committed against fellow humans. To come clean, we have to approach those weve wronged, confess our misdeeds, and beg forgiveness. And when someone offers a sincere apology, were required to forgive. Yet what if the one who hurt you refuses to express any regret?

This question haunted me after the person I trusted most lied to me repeatedly for months on end. Stunned by his betrayal, I could barely eat or sleep. When he wouldnt apologize or explain his ongoing deceit, I vowed wed never speak again. Yet ghosting him didnt end my distress. I found myself having screaming arguments with him in my mind, reliving our fight in panicked nightmares, even lighting a candle and chanting a secret Yiddish curse to exact revenge. I was losing my dignity and sanity. His inability to acknowledge his mistake or say Im sorry sent me into a tailspin. I couldnt just move on.

As I told friends and colleagues why I was so upset, they revealed their own wounds caused by those whod let them down without ever explaining or atoning for their sins. Listening to their struggles, often way worse than minethrough wars, alcoholism, divorce, sexual abuse, and deathput my fury into perspective.

But what happens if they never apologize? I kept asking. Is it possible to forgive someone anyway?

Self-proclaimed forgiveness authorities bombarded pages, screens, and airwaves, offering proof of the infinite benefits of embracing those whod offended you. They warned about the burdens of not forgiving. These so-called experts claimed that, for your health, you should grant mercy, even to someone completely remorseless. But honestly, how hard was saying two damn words after a major screw-up? Their broad advice to exonerate everyone for everything felt like bullshit.

Donning my reporters hat, I embarked on what I called The Forgiveness Tour, asking thirteen people I knew across the nation, Who owes you an apology? How do you reconnect with someone if they wont say Im sorry? Would hearing their remorse make it possible for you to forgive? Further researching the concept of forgiveness, I spoke with gurus from all faiths and backgrounds who painted a more nuanced picture of when someone should be pardoned, and when not.

My odyssey helped me understand how significant apologies were, and how small my saga was. I was intrigued to see that holding a grudge could actually be healthier and that spite could be inspiring. Also that reparations to repair the damage done might have a stronger effect than words of contrition. While Id never been kosher or kept the Sabbath, my resentment drove me to religious exploration. I became fascinated by ways that wise clergy and scholars from different beliefs decided whether benevolence was called for. What I learned gave me the strength to face the one whose inexplicable actions motivated my quest. Finally speaking with him, I uncovered a heartbreaking secret that blew the lid off all the theories of forgiving.

I hope sharing my story and those of others who suffered much more than I did will push you to pinpoint the most important apology you need and to ask for it directly. Or perhaps, if atonement is not forthcoming, it will help you find ways to healand dealwithout it. You might be as surprised as I was. Seeing the wreckage caused by unspoken apologies may even inspire you to say Im sorry to someone you hurt.

CHAPTER 1

A BETRAYAL EXPOSED

AUGUST 2010

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is letting go of the other persons throat.

novelist William Paul Young

Id always seen myself as someone compassionate who never held grudges, but that changed the night I turned the corner of West 9th Street and caught Haley leaving his brownstone. What the hell was she doing here? I prayed my eyes were playing tricks and the woman in skinny jeans, heels, and a pink blouse was another tall redhead, not my favorite student. Inching closer, it was her unmistakable auburn hair flapping down her back as she flounced away. I froze, so crushed I couldnt breathe.