Chris Ramsey - Sh**ged. Married. Annoyed.

Chris & Rosie Ramsey

SH**GED. MARRIED. ANNOYED.

Contents

About the Authors

Chris Ramsey is a critically acclaimed stand-up comedian and regular face on TV. He has hosted two series of his own show The Chris Ramsey Show on Comedy Central, as well as Chris Ramseys Stand-Up Central and the panel show Virtually Famous on E4. He hosts the podcast Sh**ged. Married. Annoyed. with his wife Rosie, and appeared on Strictly Come Dancing in 2019.

Rosie Ramsey is an actor, presenter, Radio DJ, event host, singer, and influencer. On screen, she has appeared on shows such as Married to a Celebrity: A Survival Guide and Parenting for Idiots for Channel 4. She currently co-hosts the hugely popular Sh**ged. Married. Annoyed. podcast with her husband Chris.

Introduction

Hello,

Youre listening to READING Sh**ged. Married. Annoyed. With BY Chris and Rosie Ramsey.

And were so happy that youre here!

This book is all about the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the highs and lows of life, relationships, families and everything in-between. This is not a self-help book. It contains no advice that you should follow yourself. We, like everyone else out there, have absolutely no idea what were doing when it comes to life we dont have the answers. But what we do have is the ability to talk about life and take the piss out of it. And that is what this is.

Its a piss-take.

The fact that Rosie Ramsey (formerly Rosie Winter) and Chris Ramsey (always Chris Ramsey) are even writing a book is a piss-take in itself. Our respective English teachers at school will be flabbergasted that this is happening. And we are too.

We started our podcast of the same name to have a laugh, vent at each other and at the world. We wanted to talk about the things we found interesting. The things we found funny. The things we found disgusting. We had no agenda or plan, but its spiralled into something we couldnt have imagined.

Millions of downloads and entertained ears later, we have a book. And youre reading it right now.

So welcome to the SMA gang. Youre in now!

If you havent heard the podcast, dont worry about it. You dont need to you can still enjoy this book. (A bit weird that you would BUY this book and not bother listening to the FREE podcast, but hey ho, thanks anyway!)

So lets start at the top for all the new kids at the back

We are a 33-year-old married couple with a child. We live in the North East of England and (among other things) we co-host a podcast just as we have co-written this book.

Those other things include:

Rosie: Instagrammer, singer, actor, presenter jack of all trades, master of about four.

Chris: Stand-up comic, presenter, Lego builder and best celebrity dancer north of Wetherby Services.

And obviously both: Podcasters and best-selling authors. (Best-selling not actually confirmed yet, so maybe quickly buy another copy of this for your mate or something? Thanks.)

We will each take the lead on different subjects and chapters in this book and the other will butt in whenever they feel like it. Just like real life.

Chris will be in THIS font Hi!

And Rosie is in THIS font Hello!

Hopefully it will make sense as you go and you know for a fact youll all be reading it in our accents in your head as we argue in print form so have fun with that!

So, whoever you are, wherever you are, we hope you enjoy this book.

Whether you are Shagged, Married, Annoyed or all three, thanks for coming.

Have fun.

SHAGGED

Saturday Nights: Getting Ready

This chapter is called Saturday Nights: Getting Ready, but I feel it should be renamed Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Sometimes Even a Wednesday at the Beginning of the Month Nights: Getting Ready.

In my late teens and early twenties I could easily bash out four nights on the lash, EASY. I could and more often than not, did function quite happily on less than four hours sleep a night. How did I do that?

Fast-forward to 33 years old and I struggle to go on one night out a month, let alone four a week. Not only because I cant deal with the hangover the next day, but its so bloody difficult trying to get all my friends together on one night. Plus, theres always someones fucking kid whos ill.

Im going to take you back to the good old days right now. Its a Saturday night in 2003. Youre in my bedroom which I share with my older sister Kate. Its in my mam and dads three-bed semi in South Shields.

The room is an average double-sized room at the front of the house. The walls are painted in a magnolia-type colour. We werent old enough to understand the lushness of a lamp just yet so we lived in big-light hell most of the time. My sister has put a rope across the floor of the room to divide us as much as possible. I say rope, its more of a really thick piece of string. Like something you would tie around a Christmas present if you wanted to show off. I have no idea where she got it from.

Her side of the room is pristine, as per. My side of the room is a mess, as per.

Genuinely considering employing this in our house now

There are two single beds. Hers is neatly made with a crocheted blanket covering the bottom half; there are three little floral-patterned pillows on her actual sleeping pillow, and Charlie her stuffed monkey sits on top. Pretty weird considering shes 20 and has a full-blown, real-life, grown-up boyfriend with a car who she SPOILER ALERT ends up marrying and having kids with two years later.

The beds used to be bunk beds but due to one of us graffitiing and writing vulgar things about the other on the underneath slats of the bottom bunk, Sandra (my mam) and Kate both decided it would be better to separate them, thus saving themselves from any further graffitiing incidents.

The culprit is still unknown to this very day.

(It was me!! Ssshhhhh )

Another reason for the necessary bed separation is there was this one night when one of us drank a little too much and accidentally vomited over the side of the top bunk, missing the other one who was sleeping peacefully below by mere inches.

It was just a little bit of splashback, honestly not that big of a deal, but anyway, they were separated soon after.

Hold on Your dad (or lets be honest, it was probably Sandra) sawed the bunk beds in two and made two separate single beds?! Were they safe? Were they the same height from the floor? OR were they originally two single beds and the craftsmanship actually came when someone put them on top of each other like the sofa Emmet makes in The Lego Movie ?! Then they were just separated again to make two singles?! I NEED TO KNOW, ROSIE!

Most bunk beds can be separated. Sandra and Derek were obviously having a flush month and decided to splash out on decent beds, or they bought them on credit. You would never have to know this as you were an extremely lucky lonely child and never had to share a room, let alone a bunk bed. Our beds were separated into single beds and put back together as bunks on several occasions over many years.

Above my now single bed are hundreds of Polaroid pictures of me and my friends. Some old cinema tickets (no idea why) and a calendar which my nana bought me for Christmas and I had yet to write a single entry in. It was also three months behind, much to my sisters annoyance.

Above my sisters bed is a poster of a foot. I know that sounds really ridiculous, but it wasnt a picture of some random persons foot; it was in fact a medical drawing of the sole of a foot, with explanations of each area and how it connected to a part of the human body. Kate was studying to be a reflexologist at the time, so every day I would find myself staring at this picture of a foot above my sisters bed and wonder how the hell we were even related.