Jesse Watters - How I Saved the World

To Emma.

Timing is everything. I love you.

Im Watters and this is my book.

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter One: How I Saved the Great Outdoors

Chapter Two: How I Saved Hard Work

Chapter Three: How I Saved the Children

Chapter Four: How I Saved Journalism

Chapter Five: How I Saved Prime Time

Chapter Six: How I Saved the Internet

Chapter Seven: How I Saved DC Nightlife

Chapter Eight: How I Saved Nude Beaches

Chapter Nine: How I Saved Christmas

Chapter Ten: How I Saved Hollywood

Chapter Eleven: How I Saved Americas Cities

Chapter Twelve: How I Saved the Environment

Chapter Thirteen: How I Saved My Moms Texts

Chapter Fourteen: How I Saved the Primaries

Chapter Fifteen: How I Saved 2016

Chapter Sixteen: How I Saved the Election

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

I stepped onto the subway in midtown Manhattan and took a seat. Minding my business, I was sitting quietly, heading downtown to go home after work. At the next stop, a guy entered the car and sat down right next to me.

Arent you the guy from Fox? he asked.

These conversations only go two ways. The guy either loves me or hates me. I sized him up: white male, maybe late twenties, early thirties, semiprofessional attire. It was a toss-up. Here we go.

Yes, I responded.

His tone was accusatory. Youre the guy that... as he tells me things Ive said on the air. Except it wasnt me. He has me confused with another host on the channel. But he doesnt care when I tell him he has me pegged for the wrong dude. Hes angry. Its guilt by association. Typically, in a situation like this, I walk away. However, Im trapped on the subway, and hes sitting next to me, growing more animated now that hes come face-to-face with someone who symbolizes, in his mind, the destruction of the country. In fact, he tells me, Youre destroying the country.

Instead of staring straight ahead and ignoring him while he taunts me, I try a de-escalation tactic, and gently engage him in relaxed conversation. I crack a smile and banter slightly. This backfires. The guy only gets louder. People begin to notice.

Arent you Jesse Watters? a young woman sitting across from me asks. Im a big fan. Youre awesome.

Thank you, I say. Subtly, I roll my eyes at her, conveying, can you believe this guy next to me?

The subway rolls on while the guy gets cockier. Hes demanding to know my salary. Whatever Im making is way too much, he barks, and whatever Im paying in taxes isnt enough. Definitely a Bernie Bro.

The subway slows down into Union Square, and he stands up. This must be his stop. I see hes carrying a tallboy in a paper bag. Hes been drinking, which explains a lot. At least hes leaving. But not before this...

A steady stream of beer hits my body. All over my jacket, tie, and lap. It must have been a wide-mouth because it soaked me strong and fast before I realized what happened. Hed stood over me and poured his beer on me as he left.

I stood up and walked toward him. He was still just inside the subway, standing nonchalantly in the crowd as everyone was getting off. With my left hand, I grabbed him by his shirt and quickly maneuvered him out of the car while I hit him with a short, straight right to the face. He reeled back, stumbling onto the subway platform while startled onlookers scrambled to get out of the way. I must have looked ridiculous. At this moment, I was a little bewildered by my lack of knockout power. Shouldnt he be lying on the ground? I also realized Id left my bag on the subway and needed to make a decision. Ditch it and finish the fight on the platform, or dip back inside the subway and ride home with my belongings? The psycho was standing there, shocked, holding his face, glaring at me. I turned back inside the subway car and sat down next to my bag. People kept their distance from me, like I was some beast. Drenched in beer, I rode home, stunned at what had transpired. This must be why Greg Gutfeld insists on taking town cars home.

This isnt an isolated incident. In the span of just this last week, a man called me a Nazi in front of my children, another man screamed obscenities at me in front of his own children, and a college student confronted me for ruining our democracy while I was at the liquor store. Its a republic, I replied, as I left with my bourbon.

Personally, its unsettling when youre face-to-face with these people because they all have one thing in common. Unhinged rage. Ive noticed oftentimes theyre so angry that theyre literally shaking. The flash of anger comes so quickly that theyre unpredictable. Its like a switch goes off when theyve identified me. Its mostly upper-middle-class white males in their twenties to forties. Theyre usually thin, pale, and wouldnt strike anyone as particularly threatening, until they snap. Ill leave the demographic analysis there, before Im accused of reverse racism.

Are you Jesse Watters? theyll sometimes ask, or sometimes not. Theyll just start screaming racist! or scum! at the top of their lungs in public. Occasionally, they feel its their duty to warn people who I am. Thats Jesse Watters! He works for Fox! Hes a traitor! Theyll yell like progressive Paul Reveres while Im buying coffee, and make a huge commotion, confusing the strangers around us whove never heard of me or dont care, who just want to pay and leave without some maniac disturbing the peace. If a CNN anchor were in Starbucks, I doubt Id start screaming bloody murder while they ordered. Id probably do the right thing and pay for their coffee. Their fake news gives Fox so much free content for our shows its the least I can do.

What is it about Fox News that drives the Left so absolutely crazy? The truth hurts. Thats the easy answer. But its deeper than that, and so am I. Or at least Ill pretend to be.

Liberals who hate Fox with a passion dont actually watch Fox. Instead, they consume edited, cherry-picked clips on The Daily Show, on Twitter, or on cable competitors. These clips are editorialized to demonize the Fox host and inflame the liberal viewer. Jokes are made to look serious. Liberal hosts explain that we mean something even worse than the actual words that we said. Fox hosts, like myself, are on air for hours and hours each week, all month, for years. Our commentary is fact based and contextual. A loyal viewer will see our personalities and senses of humor, our compassion, and insight over the hour and over the long haul. But clips of Fox hosts are edited tightly, and spun in the same way, to make us look bad or bigoted. If you were to cut and disseminate clips of Tom Brady throwing interceptions, fumbling, and yelling at his teammates... attaching headlines like Tom Brady Sucks or Tom Brady is a terrible teammate, the people who only saw these clips, who didnt watch the whole game, would believe Tom Brady is a horrible quarterback. And yes, I just compared myself to Tom Brady. This isnt to say that I dont make mistakes on air, or occasionally misspeak, but the liberal media machine only accentuates the worst. You dont believe me? Google me. Id hate me, too, if I only saw myself through a liberal media prism.

Competitors to Fox, which is just about the entire media establishmentincluding newspapers, social media, magazines, late-night TVdo their best to dehumanize Fox hosts. Rarely does a Fox host have a puff piece written about them; rarely is there a balanced spread in a magazine; almost never is there a friendly interview or commercially tasteful package produced. Many of those opportunities are denied to Fox hosts, but if theyre given that kind of platform or exposure, its a hostile hit job with aggressive, partisan attacks, and unflattering photography. This treatment marginalizes Fox hosts out of the mainstream and makes them enemies in the eyes of millions. Personally, I see other people in the media just as other people. I see them as politically misguided, but respect their political beliefs as authentic, just very different than mine, and thats okay. But Fox personalities arent just deemed wrong, theyre deemed evil. Once youre convinced another human being is evil, that gives you license to take them out, by any means necessary. Many on the far left truly believe that Im evil, immoral, bigoted, and doing severe harm to the country. The media has radicalized them into hating me.* Therefore, they have every right to do whatever it takes to physically hurt me, get me fired, and break me down to the point where Im unable to speak freely and feed my family. And lets be honest, if I cant host a show, I cant put food on the table. Thats how unskilled I am.