Rob Scheer - A Forever Family: Fostering Change One Child at a Time

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Gallery Books / Jeter Publishing

An Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2018 by Scheer Focus, LLC

Photograph on courtesy of American Girl. All other photographs courtesy of the author.

All the names in the book have been changed, except my own and those of most of my immediate family and my friends Ricky and Rodger. Dialogue is re-created from memory.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Gallery Books hardcover edition November 2018

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Interior design by Bryden Spevak

Jacket design by Emma A. Van Deun

Jacket photographs by Ivette Ivens

Author photograph by Elizabeth Chomas

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Scheer, Rob, author. | Sternfeld, Jon, author. Title: A forever family : fostering change one child at a time / Rob Scheer with Jon Sternfeld. Description: New York, NY : Gallery Books, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references. Identifiers: LCCN 2018022910 | ISBN 9781501196638 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781501196645 (trade paper) | ISBN 9781501196652 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Scheer, Rob. | Foster parentsBiography. | Foster childrenBiography. | AdopteesBiography. Classification: LCC HQ759.7 .S33 2018 | DDC 306.874dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018022910

ISBN 978-1-5011-9663-8

ISBN 978-1-5011-9665-2 (ebook)

For all the children in foster care, those who are entering the system, and those who are aging out

I always wanted a traditional family. This didnt necessarily mean we all looked alike, or had the same blood, or even the same name. Just that we were a family bonded through love. That vision I carried seemed like something that so many others had, through no doing of their own. But for me, a family remained out of reach for a long time. It took work. It took a choice.

I grew up never feeling safe, never thinking of a single place as home, carrying the few things I could call my own in a trash bag. I suffered abuse at the hands of my biological parents, my stepfather, my foster father, neighbors, cousins, boyfriends, and strangers. It all took a toll, making me feel worthless, like I deserved to be treated poorly. As I grew up and struggled through depression, homelessness, and battles with drug addiction, I never felt anything resembling love. I dated men who were abusive because I thought thats what love was. I hadnt learned any other way.

Despite my longing for a family, I was certain Id never find love, positive I would never be married or be able to become a father. My path seemed clearly laid out for me: dropout, convict, addict, forgotten, homeless, and alone. A tragic story, a life ended too soon, not even worth covering in the newspaper.

I spent decades carrying demons, baggage from my past that weighed me down and never let me be free. I am fifty-one years old now, and I still feel them.

But something in my spirit refused to die, refused to give up hope. I had no evidence, but something more like faith that life had very different plans for me.

Though I was kicked out of my foster home soon after my eighteenth birthday, forced to sleep in my car and public bathrooms, I made it through high school. From there I went into the military and then into a series of office jobs. I diligently worked my way up and found a measure of stability, but I never shared what happened to me. I kept my story wrapped up tight and to myself. A feeling latched onto me that I couldnt shake, of fear, of shame, of low self-worth.

Then I met Reece. I fell in love with him, and we decided to start a family. We adopted our four children and made a home. I changed my story. I became something else: not a victim, not a statistic, not a cautionary tale, not a pity case. I became a loving husband and father and someone who was able toand wanted togive back.

Though I was the product of a broken family and a shattered system, love changed the course of my life. It is my hope that in telling my story I might be able to help others.

I had first been set on adopting overseas, not willing to again face the system that broke me, but Reece convinced me it was my duty to seek out those kids who were experiencing what I had. To change their story.

We took in four foster kids from the DC systemwho all showed up with their minimal things in trash bags. The sight of those trash bags brought back all the pain of my childhood and my time in the system. I never wanted the children to go back in there, so we petitioned to adopt them. The system and courts felt that because Reece and I were white, we couldnt be suitable parents to African American children and because we were gay we shouldnt be allowed to be parents at all.

But our children just wanted love. I just wanted love. We needed each other.

All of us are constantly reinventing ourselves. We have that opportunity each and every day.

We are a combination of all our choices in life, and I made the choice to never let a horrific childhood become a tragic adulthood. I can do nothing about my past; but every day, I make a point of living as best as I can, as kindly as I can, and with as much grace as I can.

I cant teach anyone how to be gay, or how to be a white father to black children. Were all made of a different cloth; it is our love that binds us all together.

In 2013 I started Comfort Cases, an organization that makes sure that foster children never have to suffer the indignity and inhumanity of living out of trash bags. We pack backpacks for these children that let them know that we, as a community, love them and we want them. Its a message I would have given anything to hear during my difficult years growing up.

My hope is that A Forever Family will inspire all those out there who feel stuck or as though no one cares for them. If you are out there, I assure you that you are not alone. I am here. We are here. Maybe this book can also empower all the others who want to help but feel like they cant or dont know how. And of course, I would love to live in a world where our storythe story of my family and meis no longer rare.