Kalyani Gopal - Foster Parenting Step-by-Step: How to Nurture the Traumatized Child and Overcome Conflict

FOSTER
PARENTING
STEP-BY-STEP

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FOSTER
PARENTING
STEP-BY-STEP

How to Nurture the Traumatized Child and Overcome Conflict

DR. KALYANI GOPAL

Foreword by Irene Clements

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

First published in 2013

by Jessica Kingsley Publishers

116 Pentonville Road

London N1 9JB, UK

and

400 Market Street, Suite 400

Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

www.jkp.com

Copyright Kalyani Gopal 2013

Foreword copyright Irene Clements 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS. Applications for the copyright owners written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

Warning: The doing of an unauthorized act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 84905 937 4

eISBN 978 0 85700 751 3

Printed and bound in Great Britain

This book is dedicated to all those foster families I have had the privilege to treat, without whom I would not have learned what is shared in these pages.

I was very fortunate in having a wonderful childhood thanks to my parents unconditional love and my grandmother.

This book is especially dedicated to my children, who have trained me as only children can.

Foreword

How often over the last 30-seen years and now in my role as President of the National Foster Parent Association have I heard these words: If only I had known, I would have parented differently? How many times did I say that myself over the 27 years my husband and I fostered? We had so much to learn back in the 1970s about fostering and very little was available to assist us as we learned of the uniqueness of each child we welcomed into our home127 incredible children with more needs than we could begin to comprehend.

We did not have a clue as to how to parent so many diverse children with so many diverse needs. We talked with other foster parents when we could find them, we talked to doctors and teachers and social workers. It was frightening that there appeared to be neither an organized network to utilize for teaching/learning and information nor a network to provide supports and services to foster parents and the children in their care.

Where were the books, videos, tapes, trainings, support groups, etc. that we needed to help us even begin to feel equipped to meet such varying and often extreme needs? Sad to say, the selection was slim to none. So, people who opened their families and homes to other peoples children flew solo most of the time, often begging for insights and assistance from state workers who were ill prepared to help in any significant manner.

Over the years many things changed. Research was conducted on the needs and behaviors of children entering and in foster care and books and videos began to be published to assist caregivers. Organized training sessions and relevant curriculums were developed and published. Local and state foster parent associations were started to provide training and supports to foster parents. The National Foster Parent Association was organized to provide supports and services and to serve as the National Voice of Foster Parents.

When asked to read Dr. Gopals new book and provide this Foreword for the book, I did not hesitate. Dr. Gopal has been a lifeline for many children in foster care and their parents and foster parents for many years. Dr. Gopal is also a well-known speaker and has blessed the National Foster Parent Association with numerous workshop presentations at our annual education conferences. Her dedication to providing information that works is key and most appreciated by all who hear her or read her books.

In Foster Parenting Step-by-Step: How to Nurture the Traumatized Child and Overcome Conflict , Dr. Gopal uses a style of writing that is more conversational that formal. She writes as if she were sitting across the table from you and explaining the incredibly many aspects of foster care and foster parenting. My recommendation is to read the book from cover to cover, taking time to mark those areas that you know you will want to refer to time and time again as you welcome additional children into your home. This new book provides insights and recommendations that will be beneficial to all who choose to provide foster care and/or kinship care.

Irene Clements
President, National Foster Parent Association

Quotes from Foster Children

Dont take away my memories; they make me who I am.

Sometimes I dream that my mother is dead in some alley, and I will never see her again.

I cant sleep at night; there are buggy eyes watching me.

My mama, she is supposed to take care of me, that is her job, not you, I guess she just dont care.

My mama, she chooses her boyfriends over us, she says she loves us but she dontnot that much.

When I got taken from my mama, I hated everybody and did not care; I was real bad.

My mama, she tells me to steal checks from the neighbors mail then she gives me a dollar for candy.

I took care of my little brothers and sisters, my mama would wake me up at night when she left, I was six years old.

It is my fault my brother died in the closet, it should have been me who was tied and beat, Im older. I couldnt wake him up.