Cameron Tuttle - The Paranoids Pocket Guide

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS DECAF?

[A CUP OF COFFEE]

I used to think I was crazy be-cause I worried all the time about the most ridiculous things. (Is it just a coincidence that paranoia is right next to paranormal in the dictionary? I dont think so.) But then I started to research this book and talk to other people. Now I realize that I havent been worrying nearly enough.

There are so many marvelous things to obsess overloss of privacy, new diseases, technological dangers, dating, the environment, life on Marsits hard to know where to begin. So Ive highlighted sections to help you worry more efficiently: fears about work, home, food, airplanes, driving, and more. Hypochondriacs Alert links symptoms you probably have to possible and even horrible medical explanations. Fabulous Phobias lists old favorites as well as emerging phobias. Popping up everywhereand marked with a special warningare Fright Bites, shocking yet true statistics and facts. Photographs of seemingly harmless items help warn you about other hidden risks. And running across the bottom of every page youll find revealing intimate fears that people disclosed to me during my research.

If youre not paranoid about something, you will be after reading this book. (Is this printed on acid-free paper? Is someone reading over your shoulder? Will your purchase of this book be added to a computer profile of you?) You might want to keep this handy guide with you at all times since you never know when youll get stuck in traffic or trapped in an elevator. For best results, enjoy The Paranoids Pocket Guide late at night, with a flashlight under the covers, alone. And remember, just because youre paranoid doesnt mean that someone isnt out to get you.

I forgot to lock my car. My frequent-flyer miles will expire before I can use them. I have a hole in my pocket and my money and keys will fall out. People will think Im a tourist. The glue on envelopes is spreading a fatal disease. My neighbors hear everything that goes on in my bathroom. If I pluck a hair, it will grow back darker and coarser than before. Ill panic if I have to call 911 and Ill dial 411 by mistake. The dry cleaner smells my clothes. Ill spit out my gum in a winning lottery ticket. Ill arrive at the airport two hours before my flight on the wrong day. If I swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in my stomach. Ill call in sick and run into my boss at a movie. I wont be able to remember to whom I lied and to whom I told the truth. Ill call a teacher Mom in front of the whole class. Ill buy 6,000 AAA batteries at a warehouse club just because they are such a bargain. I unintentionally put something in my pocket and will be arrested for shoplifting. I wont notice until after lunch that Im wearing two different shoes. I left the iron on. People are just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me. The toilet-paper roll will be empty. Ill be pushed in front of a subway train. No matter where I am, theres something better going on somewhere else. Someone put LSD in the drinking water. Antiperspirants cause cancer. Someone watched me come into my apartment building, so I cant turn on any lights for 10 minutes or they will know which apartment is mine. Snakes will come out of the faucet when Im running a bath. Bugs will crawl in my ears when I sleep. Everyone will be abducted by aliens but me. Someone will peel the subscription label off my magazine and send in a change of address. My hairstylist will have a burst of creative inspiration while cutting my hair. I will grow up and have children just like me. People know what Im thinking. I go away for two weeks without telling anyone and no one notices Im gone. The bathtub will fall through to the apartment below with me sitting in it naked. Someone steals my phobias, puts them in a book, and it becomes a best-seller. My teeth will fall out. Ill find a phone number Ive been searching for all day on a Post-it stuck to my butt. I will get cancer from walking through metal detectors. The grocery store checker will make me put the ice cream back because Im too fat. The guy Im going out with tonight wont call me tomorrow because he thinks Im ugly / he hates me / his friends hate me / I didnt sleep with him / I slept with him / he already has another relationship. If Im too strict, my kids will hate me; If Im not strict enough, Ill hate my kids. An angry adolescent working in the back of a fast-food restaurant has spit in my food. The FBI has a copy of every petition Ive ever signed. I will show up at a party wearing the same outfit my stepmother is wearing. Plucking nose hairs will cause a brain aneurysm. Ill never be able to afford getting my clothes back from the dry cleaner. My therapist is crazier than I am. Someone will have a heart attack right in front of me, and Ill completely forget CPR. I will get stuck on an airplane suction toilet when I flush. If I spill bleach on my hand, all of my skin will burn off. I will unexpectedly end up in bed with someone Im really attracted to and discover that Im wearing my last clean pair of underwear, which is too small, filled with holes, and tie-dyed. The day after I write out a will, Ill die. I think its Friday when its really only Thursday and I am the only person at work wearing shorts. If I have a one-night stand, the condom will break, shell get pregnant, and want to keep the baby, well end up having triplets, and my life will be over. I will realize too late that I didnt lock the bathroom door. I will be left at the altar. I will pass gas when alone in an elevator and someone will get in before I can get out. My barber is nodding and smiling because he doesnt speak English and has no idea what Im saying. My epitaph will say, He had great potential. Im so skinny because I have a tapeworm, and Ive had it all my life. Theres something really dangerous about being around computers, but the damage wont show up for 30 years. I will drop the baby on his head. Ill be caught in the shower during a major earthquake. The phone will stop ringing when I get inside the front door. The bank is siphoning money from my account. Ill get a disease that no one has ever had before, and every doctor I see will think Im just a hypochondriac. The hood on my car will fly off and smash the windshield. If I squeeze a pimple above eyebrow level, Ill get permanent brain damage. The tickets will be sold out when I get there. My neighbors will see my recycling and think Im a drunk. The hotel hasnt washed the blankets all year. Ill see my gynecologist out dancing at a club. I feel so good I must have a brain tumor. Someone has a list of all the library books Ive checked out and the videos Ive rented. My house will rotate on its foundation in the night. I will be allergic to something I dont know about and suffer anaphylactic shock. My marriage counselor is divorced and unable to sustain a relationship. Microwave ovens leak radiation that is slowly cooking my brain. Ill die when my house is a mess and Ill be remembered forever as an inadequate homemaker. The person Im dating will stop calling me because my belly button is too big. Ill set off the airport metal detector with my underwire bra. I will get my finger stuck in the drain at the bottom of the pool and drown while everyone watches, thinking that Im holding my breath. I suggest to a date that we go out to a tapas bar, but he hears topless bar. If I lean back in a movie theater, Ill catch some scalp disease and all of my hair will fall out. Getting a message on my pager that says Youre fired. Ill meet my future spouse at a Learn to Flirt! adult education class and, for the rest of my life, Ill have to tell people where we met. The mail Id like to receive is being delivered to other people. Ill catch my skirt in my pantyhose and walk around with my underwear showing. Everyone else on the airplane paid less for their ticket than I did. Someone with a runny nose sniffed this melon before me. It wasnt really decaf.