Wendy Marston - The Hypochondriacs Handbook

At least you have your health. My relatives never missed a chance to say this, and for years, I thought nothing of it. But one day, the words took on an ominous ring: how long would I have my health? The fact that I had never been really sick, never spent a night in the hospital or broken a bone or even had a lingering cough only indicated that my good fortune couldnt last. Something was going to get me; the only questions were what and when? I became more and more cautious, more and more aware, and, eventually, totally gripped by FEAR.

The world is full of dangers, and disease can begin with a handshake, a vacation, a single cough, a barely noticeable twinge, an inexplicable headache. Hypochondria, I realized, is an unkind euphemism for vigi-lance and deserves much more respect.

Even if you seem perfectly healthy at this moment, most likely you are already sick but the symptoms may have not yet surfaced. You just need to know what to look for and what to do while youre waiting for the really serious stuff to show up. Sure that rash on your wrist could be from an aging watchband, but it could also be PSORIASIS or flesh-eating bacteria. How should you respond when your podiatrist offers to treat your plantar wart but says it would be painful, expensive, and unnecessary? Who can you trust to listen to your health concerns if your mother hangs up on you?

To reassure you that youre not crazy, youre not making up your symptomsand that youre probably not worrying enoughIve compiled this helpful handbook. Every page has enough information to keep you awake for a week, so to be sure you dont miss anything Ive provided easy-to-spot Symptom Checks and concise but breath-taking statistics labeled Fright Bites. Special pages are devoted to in-depth explorations of side effects for medications, lice, public bathrooms, baldness, and other key troublemakers, while photographs help dramatize the everyday dangers we look at but dont really see.

The following is a list of important things you should always door never do.

DO NOT DRINK WARM WATER FROM THE SINK: Older hot water pipes are made of lead, which leeches into the water.

DO NOT GET A BIOPSY OR OTHER MEDICAL TEST ON FRIDAY: Labs are usually closed over the weekend and you will have to wait till Monday for the results.

ALWAYS DRY YOUR FEET LAST AFTER TAKING A SHOWER: Bacteria from the floor of the shower will be on your feet, and, if dried first, will be on the towel and can be wiped on the rest of your body.

DO NOT BREATHE WHILE USING AN AEROSOL SPRAY: Inhaling aerosol sprays or powders can cause lung damage.

DO NOT HANG LAUNDRY TO DRY ON A CLOTHESLINE IF YOU HAVE ALLERGIES: The clothes will collect pollen.

ALWAYS REMOVE THE FOIL ON WINE BOTTLES BEFORE REMOVING THE CORK: Until recently, the foil on many bottles was made with lead.

DO NOT DRIVE TO A HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM: You will get more attention if you arrive in an ambulance.

DO NOT SHAKE HANDS WITH ANYONE: Hands are covered with bacteria, including Staphylococcus aureus; viruses, including Hepatitis A; and other microorganisms (from here on referred to collectively as germs).

DO NOT SOAK IN A BUBBLE BATH: The bubbles can irritate your skin and urinary tract.

ALWAYS WASH NEW CLOTHING BEFORE YOU WEAR IT: The material may contain abrasive chemicals from manufacturingand you dont know who else has tried on the garment before you bought it.

DO NOT WEAR SHOES WITHOUT SOCKS: You will get blisters, be vulnerable to fungal infections, and have sweaty, smelly feet.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE COOKING: Germs on your hands spread easily to foods, especially fruits and vegetables that will be eaten uncooked.

ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER COOKING: Germs from foods, especially uncooked meat and chicken, spread easily to your hands.

DO NOT EAT COOKIE DOUGH OR BATTER IF IT CONTAINS RAW EGGS: Uncooked eggs contain new strains of deadly Salmonella.

DO NOT TALK ON A CELLULAR TELEPHONE WHILE DRIVING A CAR: Your chance of having an accident increases fourfold.

ALWAYS PLACE FOOD ON TOP OF A FULLY FLEXED HAND WHEN FEEDING A HORSE: The horse is less likely to bite off your fingers by mistake.

DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR EAR SMALLER THAN YOUR ELBOW: Sharp objects can puncture an eardrum, and cotton swabs just push the wax in deeper.

DO NOT PUT ON A SHIRT OR JACKET WHILE GOING DOWNSTAIRS: If you trip, you wont have your hands available to brace yourself.

DO NOT LET ANYONE USE YOUR SHOWER OR BATH: The bacteria in your own bathroom are yours and wont hurt you, but introducing microbial fauna from others can give you infections.

DO NOT RELY ON WEARING SANDALS TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF ATHLETES FOOT: The fungus can still spread, so keeping feet dry and using antifungal powders are more effective.

DO NOT USE HAIR SPRAY AFTER PUTTING IN CONTACT LENSES: The spray can coat the lenses and cause irritation and infection.

DO NOT ALLOW YOUR TOOTHBRUSH TO TOUCH ANOTHER TOOTHBRUSH: Germs spread.

ALWAYS WEAR A BANDAGE ON A CUT, NO MATTER HOW SMALL: Tetanus germs, as well as others, can enter the body through a wound.

DO NOT USE THE SAME CUTTING BOARD FOR UNCOOKED MEAT AND CHICKEN THAT YOU USE FOR OTHER FOODS: Bacteria, including Salmonella, from raw meats thrive in and on cutting boards, especially plastic ones.

ALWAYS USE A FRESHLY LAUNDERED DISH TOWEL EVERY DAY: Bacteria begin to grow on the towel the first time you use it, especially after you dry your hands, and they multiply significantly overnight.

WHEN ENTERING A PUBLIC BATHROOM, DO NOT TOUCH THE DOOR HANDLE, THE LATCH ON THE STALL DOOR, THE TOILET SEAT, THE FLUSHER HANDLE, THE FAUCET, THE SOAP DISPENSER, THE HOT-AIR BLOWER, OR THE DOOR HANDLE: Germs.

DO NOT RELY ON SUNBLOCK TO GIVE YOU COMPLETE PROTECTION: Even high sun-protection factor (SPF) blocks do not shield you from dangerous ultraviolet rays that can cause skin cancers.

DO NOT EAT COOKED CHICKEN OR TURKEY KEPT ON THE BONE FOR MORE THAN THREE DAYS, AND DO NOT EAT AT ALL AFTER FIVE DAYS: Bacteria grows quickly and poultry spoils soon, even when refrigerated.

DO NOT SCRATCH A SCAB: You may open the wound to new infection.

DO NOT EAT A BIG MEAL RIGHT BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP: It is harder to digest food lying down, and more difficult to get to sleep.

ALWAYS WIPE OFF THE TOP OF A CAN OF SODA BEFORE DRINKING, ESPECIALLY IF YOU DRINK FROM THE CAN: Soda cans have a long and varied history before they make their way to your lips, and they carry a particularly wide assortment of germs.

DO NOT USE A KITCHEN SPONGE TO WIPE PLATES OR SILVERWARE: Sponges are the petri-dishes-with-holes of the household, serving as excellent breeding grounds for bacteria.

ALWAYS LAUGH, EAT SPICY FOOD, AND EXERCISE AEROBICALLY: Each activity releases endorphins, which lift your spirits.

DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL ON AN AIRPLANE: Alcohol, like caffeine, increases the chances of a pulmonary embolism.

ALWAYS LET TAP WATER RUN FOR AT LEAST 15 SECONDS BEFORE DRINKING: Bacteria and other germs that accumulate in the pipes and faucet need to be flushed out.

DO NOT USE SOMEONE ELSES KEYBOARD OR MOUSE: Germs.

DO NOT USE HEADPHONES ON AN AIRPLANE OR IN A THEATER OR A MUSIC STORE: Germs.

DO NOT TOUCH THE METAL OF A TURNSTILE: Germs.

DO NOT LIE NAKED ON HOTEL BLANKETS OR BEDSPREADS: Germs.

DO NOT WEAR OTHER PEOPLES BOWLING SHOES: Germs.