Dan Greenburg - Attack of the Evil Elvises

For Judith and Zack. The truth is out there.

D.G.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Ploo felt like shed been driven between Area 51 and Las Vegas about a million times already. She studied her face in the cars mirror.

Could there be a prettier skin color in the entire universe than my lovely shade of gray? she wondered. Hardly. Could there be anything prettier growing out of anyones head than my curly antenna? Never.

Ploo was an alien from the planet Loogl. A few days ago, she and her two brothers had crash-landed their spaceship in the Nevada desert. Now they were all in their human friend Jo-Jos pink Cadillac. And they were going back to Las Vegas. Again.

I am not at all worried, said Klatu, Ploos older brother. He looked outside at the desert. The sun had just set and the cactuses stood black against the pink and tan sky.

What are you not worried about? Ploo spoke directly to her brothers mind using E.S.P

About the Great Ones, said Klatu out loud. They promised to send back a spaceship to pick us up. I believe them.

Why do you believe them? esped Ploo.

They have never failed us yet, said Klatu.

But, Klatu, theyve never had a chance to fail you yet, darlin, said Jo-Jo. You just met them. Jo-Jo was a blond woman from Texas who sounded as though she had never left there.

I am still not worried, said Klatu.

Well, I am, said Lek. Lek was Klatus brother. He was younger and smaller than Klatu but older and larger than Ploo. Although the Great Ones are Looglings like us, and great, I do not trust them at all. I do not even like them.

If and when they do contact yall, said Jo-Jo, Ill take you back to the desert to meet the spaceship. Till then, Ill try to keep yall out of trouble.

Jo-Jo had been a mechanic at the Area 51 army base. Shed repaired crashed UFOs there for years. She quit when she got tired of taking orders.

What if they never come for us? Lek asked.

Then I might have to build yall a spaceship from scratch, said Jo-Jo.

Klatu was impressed. If I have an itch and I scratch it, you could build a spaceship from this? he said.

Suddenly they heard a mysterious knocking noise in the trunk.

What is that knocking noise? said Klatu.

Jo-Jo frowned. I dont hardly know, hon. It doesnt sound mechanical, she said.

Lek was worried. It might be a monster, he said.

The knocking noise came again. A series of dull thuds. It sounded as though some living thing was trapped inside. Lek shuddered. Jo-Jo stopped the car. Lets go see whats makin that noise, she said.

Good, said Klatu. I shall stay here and protect the car.

And I shall stay here and protect Klatu, said Lek.

Jo-Jo and Ploo got out of the car to take a look. The desert was quiet except for the creeking of crickets. Jo-Jo walked back to the trunk and opened it.

A small girl with curly blond hair poked her head out. It was Lily, the daughter of Major Paine. Major Paine was the commander of the Area 51 army base they had just left.

Hi, guys, said Lily.

Child, said Jo-Jo, frowning, what in tarnation are you doin in my trunk?

I wanted to spend a few more days with Ploo, said Lily. And I always wanted to see Las Vegas.

Ill bet you didnt tell your mommy or daddy you planned to come with us, did you, darlin?

Of course not, said Lily. They never would have let me.

But, sugar, your mom and dad will be all riled up to find you gone. And you cant just skip out on school.

Oh, Aunt Jo-Jo, said Lily. Its Friday night and Mondays a holiday. Whats the big deal?

Jo-Jo and the girls got back in the car. Jo-Jo took out her cell phone and dialed Major Paine. Major, this is Jo-Jo. Were almost all the way back to Vegas and we just found Lily stowed away in the trunk of my car. Im callin to tell yall shes okay.

Lily, Ploo, Lek, and Klatu heard yelling come out of the phone. Jo-Jo held it away from her ear. At last the yelling stopped. Jo-Jo nodded.

Ill tell her, Major, said Jo-Jo. She flipped the phone shut. Lily, your dad says youre grounded for a week when you come home.

Does that mean she will not be allowed to fly? asked Klatu.

No, hon, its an Earth saying. It means she wont be allowed to leave the house except for school, said Jo-Jo.

Jo-Jo put the car back in gear. Soon they were speeding along the highway again. It was already dark.

Ahead of them in the distance was a tight jumble of twinkling lights. A small, brightly lit city seemed to sprout out of the flat black desert.

Well be in Vegas in about ten minutes, Jo-Jo warned. Yall better start morphin into human shape right about now. And you might want to chew up some more of that good English gum. When Klatu, Lek, and Ploo chewed English gum, Earthlings could understand them. At least till the flavor faded.

Ploo handed out the little green gum balls. They began chewing.

All right, time to morph, said Klatu.

With a soft sound, the three alien children grew upward and outward. Arms and legs grew thicker. Heads grew smaller. Eyes shrank down to the beady little things that Earthlings had.

Theyd been on Earth for days now. But all three of them had picked clothes and haircuts from their Earthling Studies textbooks. They still didnt know how old the textbooks were. They had chosen old-fashioned sailor suits. On their feet were button-up shoes. And on their heads sat straw hats with ribbons.

Their new shapes wouldnt last more than an arp. One arp of Loogl time was close to one hour of Earth time. There were fifty mynts in an arp. In fifty mynts, theyd look like aliens again.

Okay, I forgot to tell you, theres been a slight change of plans, said Jo-Jo. Were movin to the new rock-and-roll hotel, the Shoobee-Doo-Wah.

What was wrong with the Titanic? asked Ploo. The last time they were in Las Vegas, Klatu, Lek, and Ploo had stayed at the Titanic Hotel.

Well, the floors were so tilted, I was always slidin to the other side of the room, said Jo-Jo. I felt like we were goin to sink any minute. But I got us much cheaper rooms at the Shoobee-Doo-Wah. Besides, its a really cool place. All the rock stars stay here. See? There it is.

The Cadillac pulled up in the driveway of a strange-looking pink and black hotel. A huge pink electric guitar stuck up out of the ground at the front of the hotel. Its neck was three stories high, and the door was through the sound hole. The giant guitar was outlined in tubes of neon that flashed red, blue, and green.