Ivana Murleau - The Best Of Drunk Texter

The Best Of Drunk Texter by Ivana Murleau Introduction: Friends dont let friends drive home drunk is so 1980s. Real friends will confiscate you PDA before you do something stupid like a drunk text. Youll be guaranteed that a drunk text, if its funny enough, will eventually wind up in this e-book. Lets face it, just because youre not actually slurring or stumbling your way through a drunken phone conversation that sending a text message on your PDA will make you appear less crazy. However, every now and again, a drunk text reveals an opportunity that sober you would never expect or dream would happen. - Ivana Murleau Txter: Why are all the homeless I see big and burly and not thin and frail? Reply txter: Cannibalism ------------------- After smoking pot and sitting by the river for 4 hours, I've learned only dead fish go with the flow. -------------------- Txter: Mom wasnt too happy that I got drunk and removed the adhesive strips from her maxi pads to mimic foot prints down our hallway Reply txter: WTF!!! Txter.yeah, I used a whole box of them. -------------------- Txter: Mom wasnt too happy that I got drunk and removed the adhesive strips from her maxi pads to mimic foot prints down our hallway Reply txter: WTF!!! Txter.yeah, I used a whole box of them.

There were only 12 to a box. So, I guess I put together a 12 step floor program. Reply Txter: Dude, you gotta quit drinking -------------------- txter: Houston, we have a problem Answer: where r u? txter: Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. who am i to call a slut? i do that every month. ------------------------- Txter Tom: My damn Mormon parent's booked me into str8 camp this summer to get me over my "silly" gay phase. ------------------------- Txter Tom: My damn Mormon parent's booked me into str8 camp this summer to get me over my "silly" gay phase.

The more important question is what to wear there and what accessories do I bring? __________________________ Thanks for the invite but i'll have to decline your request for a second date. It's just you forgot that I'm deaf and you invited me to a fucking music concert! ________________________ Wow, great cellphone reception, I could hear your eyes rolling as I explained to you why I needed to borrow the money! --------------------------------- She's so fat that when she lays down, it's called landscaping ________________________ Yeah, thanks for the date but your personality test results just came back.they were negative. ------------------------------- Texter: Hey Reply Texter: dude, it's 3 am, why u texting me? Texter: I know it's 3am but i'm riding ponies outside K-Mart...I need quarters ------------------------- I think the singer is black. Are these "chocolate flavoured milkshakes that brings all the boys to the yard? ------------------------------ Texter: I got thrown out of the hospital by security last night. Reply Texter: Dude why? Texter: I put my old halloween Grim Reaper Costume on and was roaming the halls, Who knew hospitals had dress codes! ------------------------- Texter: I just left the house and 2 hot girls are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

Reply Texter: I'm up, no shirt, no shoes, and staring at a breakfast omelettes. Who are these bitches? ------------------------- Txter: I have big boobies. Rules don't apply to me. ------------------------- Texter: WTF! I just got kicked out of the library for moving all the bibles to the fiction section. ------------------------- Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of kool-Aid Flavours. ------------------------- I am officially superior to you.

I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. ------------------------- Texter so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? REPLY texter: by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ ------------------------- God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and above average penises. ------------------------- I went out in the middle of the night to smoke some weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. ------------------------- Dude my mom's about to take away my ip ------------------------- Texter: Dude, Guess what? Im going to a gay bar. ------------------------- Dude my mom's about to take away my ip ------------------------- Texter: Dude, Guess what? Im going to a gay bar.

Reply Texter: Youre kidding, right? Texter: NO, they have dollar beer tonight! Reply Texter: Are you sure youre going to the dark side for beer? _____________ He wont put the video on xtube. I made sure I yelled Youre too small, I dont feel it a couple of times . _____________ Texter: Dont come home, mom is going off the rails on the crazy Reply Texter: Why? Texter: She saw your emails to her bf Reply Texter: OMFG! _____________ Brace yourself bitch, Im about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll _____________ Texter: Hey Remember me, you wrote you number on my ass. I thought Id call you before I washed it off. Reply Texter: Eeewww, I did that, like, two weeks ago! _____________ She asked me if I tweet. _____________ Texter: Um, M***, my sister is pregnant. _____________ Texter: Um, M***, my sister is pregnant.

She says its yours. Reply Texter: Dude, all I can say is that kids birth certificate is going to be on the back of the apology letter from the condom factory. _____________ So on a scale from zero to Chris Brown, how mad would you be if I accidentally cheated on you? _____________ Texter: Dude, hows the party? REPLY texter: sdfsaaf jgipsidfj gjsfkdfgpsfgs Texter: Awesome, Ill be there in 5 mintues _____________ I told the cop that I threw to clocks out the window to see if times really flies. _____________ Just discovered snails die when you pee on them. Dude, Im so sad for the little guy..THE SNAIL that is. Come out. Come out.

REPLY Texter: Um, its 3am, you woke me up. Texter: Yeah, now what are your other two wishes? _____________ Dont worry, Ill make you orgasm because I just google mapped your g-spot! _____________ Texter: you probably have like 9 voicemails from us, if Im singing my heart will go on and its sounds funny thats because his cock was in my mouth. REPLY Texter: Huh? Texter: Sorry, it was a dare! I was drunk! _____________ I heard you stumble in and about 2 minutes later I felt this warm liquid falling on my head. You peeing on me, is not how I want to wake up at 3am Asshole!!!! _____________ Texter: I just got myself invited to Chads Birthday party. REPLY Texter: How did you swing that? Texter: I just offered a blowjob for each years of his life. ------------------------- Texter: I woke up and pulled a glow stick that was sticking out of my vagina Reply Texter: This does not surprise me. ------------------------- Texter: I woke up and pulled a glow stick that was sticking out of my vagina Reply Texter: This does not surprise me.

That pussy has seen so much action, Im surprise a rave party wasnt thrown in there earlier. Texter: Oh hush. _____________ Had sex on a glass table, you know how THAT ended. Can you pick me up from ER? ------------------------- Texter: Dude, why are you mad at me? Reply Texter: Did you fuck my sister? Texter: Im not gonna lie. My answer rhymes with mess _____________ On a scale of McDonalds to Ramen Noodles, how broke are you? ------------------------- Texter: Oh god, Im so hungover. _____________ I woke up to find our cat died and my nipple ring was replaced by a paperclip. _____________ I woke up to find our cat died and my nipple ring was replaced by a paperclip.

Can you tell me what happened? ------------------------- Texter: Im so mean Reply texter: How so? Met this vegetarian chick at the bar. To her back to my place and got her so drunk that she passed out. Then, I went to the fridge and got a hot dog and stuck it in her pussy. Then, I hid it in her purse. Reply texter: Seriously, thats whacked. _____________ Texter: I didnt appreciate going to my car to drive to work only to find it filled with 200 lbs of dried dog food! Reply texter: Did you really weigh it? _____________ Texter: Dude, did you seriously go home drunk with that cougar bitch last night? Reply Texter: Yea, but she was hot Texter: Hot , yeah but too bad it comes in flashes _____________ OMFG, This guy just peed on me.