Go - Things Drunk People Say

For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 W. 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com . Skyhorse and Skyhorse Publishing are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. , a Delaware corporation. www.skyhorsepublishing.com 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Paperback ISBN: 978-1-62087-637-4 Things drunk people say / edited by Kathleen Go. cm. cm.

ISBN 978-1-60239-642-5 (alk. paper) 1. Drinking of alcoholic beverages--Humor. 2. Alcoholics--Humor. 3.

Conduct of life--Humor. I. Go, Kathleen. PN6231.D7T47 2009 394.1'30207--dc22 2009013958 Printed in India Skyhorse Publishing does not endorse or condone the statements made in this book. These quotes are actual, unedited, unltered comments overheard at bars and similar locations across the United States.

Or so Ive heard. And drunk, talking people Ive definitely heard. I can only remember a few times in my life when Ive regretted the things Ive saidthe moments in anger, in passion, out of spite, carelessly, insensitively. All those other times, Id been sober. Suffice it to say that my own quotable drunk moments have wisely been repressed. But I have to say it: Talking under the inuence is a pretty effective method of communication.

Slurring and lisping aside, Id argue that it helps improve projection and candor. It makes friends and it lightens moods. It shows that you can be in touch with your emotions, albeit briey and tumultuously. Most important, its fucking hilarious. There is little bar-goers love to hate (or just plain hate) more than an intoxicated train wreck , especially if the train wreck wont stop talking. Case in point: One time I stumbled into a twenty-minute conversation with a girl who couldnt stop crying over how badly her shoes hurt her feet.

In between her sobs and my laughter, she went off on some boisterous tangent about how I dont know how it looks to be her, that people have a lot more things going on on top of the surface, and that not everyone can handle the life [she] never got to have. Yeah, it didnt make any sense to me either, but Im glad I got front row seats to that freak show because it kept me laughing for the rest of the night. You see? While drunk talk has its ups and downs, sober talk can never beat drunk talks entertainment value. Drunk talk lets you finally get that nagging peeve off your chest in a sloshed, overdue scream out; say I love you for the fist time (sigh, guilty); bask in a surge of bravery and break up with that asshole of a boyfriend or girlfriend; smother someone who doesnt care with your dark family history; make a best friend in someone who agrees that the line to the bathroom is totally long; or generally dive into inappropriate, obnoxious, yet fun, random pleasantries. Frankly, sober talk is drunk talks bitch. Try huddling up with your boys to tell them you love them and wouldnt be the person you are without them.

Cry on the sidewalk because everyone left you alone again for being your rowdy, dance-on-the-bar-while-wearing-a-skirt the-way-you-did-when-you-were-eighteen self. Tell a colleague what you really think about your boss. Tell your boss. Break it to your roommate that youre pretty sure she has multiple personalities and theyre all psycho. Can you really do it sober? Id commend you if you truly could, but this isnt that kind of book. Drunk talk has no limitssomething you will learn in the coming pages, and, if you should be so lucky, in life.

But it does have stages that range from mistakenly sober to unmistakably wasted. These drunk quotes begin relatively tame, gradually get progressively absurd, and eventually, finish as delightfully offensive. The quotes youre about to encounter were conceived in the vulnerable brains of drunk people, overheard by bystanders, passed on to me, shoved into a very pretty box, and re-gifted to you. Youre welcome .

The Getting There stage is the only stage in which trite, pseudo-accusations wont anger you. Moving forward, however, your defensiveness against people who rightly accuse you of being drunk will triple. And thats because theres an enormous stage between tipsy and obliterated in which you become too aware of your intoxication, and begin to border on paranoid. But Im getting one stage ahead of myself.) So youre smiling goofily. You generally have control over your basic motor skills ... but hold that thought.

For some reason, its important that you comment on a bystanders similar taste in shoes, to laugh over it until your interaction fizzles into awkward silence because youre still sober enough to know neither of you really gives a shit. And then for some reason, you must know said bystanders alma mater. And maybe share your weekly cigarette with this person. (See: I only smoke when I drink .) For some alcohol-fueled reason... Those are salmonella candles. Oh yeah, I used to put the salmonella spray on all the time.

Jager bomb? Oh, no thanks, I moved out of my parents house years ago. I should have
stopped drinking at 2. You should have
stopped drinking
when you were
nineteen. she says, joely! you were sposed to say YES. and im like, what? no blowjob for 6 months and youre sposed to get a YES?! HOW OLD IS KELLY RIPA? I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. DONT HER LIPS GET ALL MUSHY WHEN SHE
STARTS TO GET DRUNK? Yeah, dude.