Joe Rhatigan - Bizarre Crimes: Dastardly Deeds, Devious Schemes, Bumbling Burglars, & Other Foolish Felons

Bizarre
Crimes

DASTARDLY DEEDS, DEVIOUS
SCHEMES, BUMBLING BURGLARS,
& OTHER FOOLISH FELONS

JOE RHATIGAN

An Imagine Book
Published by Charlesbridge
85 Main Street, Watertown, MA 02472
(617) 926-0329
www.charlesbridge.com

Text and illustrations copyright 2011 by Charlesbridge Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in China, November 2011.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on request

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1

For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and corporate purchases, please contact Charlesbridge Publishing at

ISBN 978-1-60734-539-8

N one of us is perfect. That in itself is a major part of what makes us human. However, some are slightly less perfect than the rest of us, and thus more human. These more human people do bizarre and illegal things andbest of allthey get caught doing them. And then their exploits end up in newspapers, on television, and on YouTube. They urinate in stupid places. They discipline their children with car-wash hoses, or let their drunk children drive them home because they, themselves, are too drunk to drive. They call the cops, or dial 9-1-1 to ask where to buy drugs. Oh, the humanity!

Another part of our humanness is our innate ability to laugh at others; to chuckle, giggle, and guffaw at silly people doing stupid things. Why do we feel such joy at others all-too-human predicaments? This book wont try to answer that question, but it will certainly aid and abet you in the laughter department. Bizarre Crimes is chock-full of amazingly stupid crimes that people committed and then were caught doing. So, until you get snagged doing something bizarre and illegal, enjoy this book. Laugh at the silly criminals doing stupid things! Snicker at the bad Santas, the ego-driven celebrities and sports stars, the awful moms and dads, and more. Hey, youre only human.

W ith 24-7 news, Facebook, Twitter, and more, weve all become a bit obsessed with (and perhaps tired of) giggling babies, ticklish animals, celebrity wardrobe malfunctions, and oddballs committing stupid crimes. So consider yourself lucky that I spent days and days combing the interwebs for the ridiculous crime stories you havent heard a thousand times or heard about a thousand different criminals committing. Because really, how bizarre is it if everybodys doing it? So, cow tipping, which is so last century, is out. However, tipping fiberglass art cows is totally now.

A Covington, Louisiana, man arrived home one day to find three young children burglarizing his house. How young? Two of the suspects were six and the other was three. They made off with two hammers, a box of fudge, a Candy Land game, some money, cigarettes, and a jar of vegetables. Police officers arrived at the scene to find the children playing across the street. When they approached, one of the six-year-olds pulled out what looked like a handgun and placed it on the ground. (It turned out to be a BB gun, but still ) The boys were too young to be arrested; however, their mother could face charges. She wasnt home at the time of the crime. She was attending a parenting class. (Perhaps she can get a refund.)

If you decide on a life of crime, you should treat crime scenes the same way forest rangers ask us to leave forests. One of the tenets of good forest maintenance is to leave no trace. These days, the good guys can nab you if you lick a stamp or drop a skin cell on the way out the door after a robbery. However, you dont need to be as obvious as these clueless crooks youre about to meet. The CSI folks love taking out the big equipment, so dont ruin it for them by making it quite so easy to catch you.

A nineteen-year-old man forced his way into a home, intent on robbing it. One of the two occupants of the home punched the crook. He fled the scene without his gold teeth, which had fallen out after the punch. Minutes later, the crooks mother went to the home to pick up the teeth.

A twenty-five-year-old man and an accomplice broke into a home, struggled with the occupants, and made off with some jewelry and a wallet. However, as they made their hasty getaway, a vital piece of evidence fell out of their car: a black T-shirt with a picture of one of the crooks on it. The slogan on the shirt read, Making Money Is My Thang. He turned himself in two days later.

A man who held up someone in the parking lot of a Subway sandwich shop had just filled out a job application at the restaurant. The victim recognized the eighteen-year-old man from inside the Subway, and police used the application to obtain the suspects home address. The Homestead police chief said of the criminal, This isnt regular criminal behavior. Hes not a rocket scientist, but this one takes the cake.

A man in Gallatin, Tennessee, tried on a pair of jeans at the local Walmart and left without taking them off or paying for them. Luckily for police, the man left his old jeans behind in the dressing room, his wallet still in the back pocket. Police caught the man later on after running out of a LongHorn Steakhouse without paying the bill.

Three women in Springfield, Missouri, did the ol dine-and-dash at the local Waffle House, leaving behind the unpaid $39 check and their purses. One of the women returned and demanded the purses. The manager told her to waitthe cops would be there any minute.

A man was caught on video driving up to a gas station, breaking a window, and stealing cigarettes from the store. The video also shows the cars license plate falling off as the crook drove away.

A Calgary, Canada, thief left his rsum in the stolen car he abandoned. However, police have yet to find the man.

A man handed a note to a bank teller demanding $20, $50, and $100 bills. Unfortunately for the robber, he wrote the note on his pay stub. Sure, he took the time to cross out his address with a marker, but investigators could still read it when they held the paper under the light. The Philadelphia man was arrested shortly after the holdup.

In 2008, two Dutch teenagers were convicted of beating up a classmate and stealing items from him. They were both sentenced to more than 150 hours of community service. The catch here, though, is that the classmate was never touched, nor was anything physically taken from him. The three teens were playing the multiplayer online game RuneScape, and the internet bullies virtually roughed up their classmate and stole virtual stuff from him. Doesnt matter. The Dutch court ruled that virtual goods are goods (under Dutch law), so this is theft.